Out of the Blue…

I’d been thinking about writing this blog for a while and have decided that now is the time.  In the job that I do I get calls all day long so inexorably someone will volunteer personal information about their situations without prompting of any kind from me.  I have always been a listener so perhaps they either sense that or I have a voice that invites Aunt Agony confessions.  Either way there was a man who called for other purposes but then began to explain that he was flustered, after 26 years of marriage his wife divorced him ‘out of the blue’.  I have tons of compassion because I realize that he was in the middle of a major life changing event, that he couldn’t possibly predict all the consequences that were going to result from the incident.  But just because things were different, requiring him to make adjustments didn’t mean it was inevitably or conclusively going to be a negative in his life.  Different doesn’t equate to bad.  Even with all that empathy I couldn’t help feeling a bit annoyed because there is one thing I do know without a doubt; it did NOT happen ‘out of the blue.’  He may not have been paying attention, a possible root to the problem in the first place; he may have played ostrich sticking his head in the sand to deny that it was worse than he wanted to acknowledge that it was or perhaps he just took for granted.  Supposing that things had rolled along as they had for all that time so that momentum would invariably carry them through, but, it didn’t get there over night or happen ‘out of the blue.’  Please don’t think I’m singling men out here either.  Women play the same unrealistic mental mind fuck games with themselves as well.  Ah, the story teller syndrome…  More on that at another time.

I’ve decided, being that I’m living the situation now, to inform you of some facts based in reality, at least through my perception of it.  Isn’t that all any of us have anyway?

This did NOT happen out of the blue!!!  Paper is thin but it still has two sides.  There can be entirely different perspectives written on either side, sharing nothing in common but depending on the situation of the emotional instrument being used in writing, one side will make an impression and/or bleed onto the other side and it WILL be seen!  Acknowledgment is an entirely different beastie that most choose not to heed.  It’s more than just having blinders on, the only way it’s unexpected is if they’re totally dead to reality.  Did you know there is an employment test for awareness?  My husband has failed it.  There’s a shock!  I think there are some who need to be given that test BEFORE they get married and have to renew it every few years like a license!  Hmm, perhaps it should be posed as a course that starts in high school and advanced courses could be offered in college.  Just a thought…  *grins*

It actually starts to go wrong far BEFORE we get into those committed relationships.  No one gives us a guide on how to choose the person who will be our best relationship match when we first begin to dream of the person that we hope will share our life.  Those little ‘compatibility’ games we played in writing down each name with our own, crossing out the duplicate letters then doing the ‘love, hate, friendship, marriage’ thing with the remaining letters just don’t flippin work!  Even if we had a crystal ball we wouldn’t pay it any mind.  Our hearts and hormones have little to do with long term relationship forecasting!  If they did then they’d be about as accurate as weathermen!  The choices we make are based on a lot of factors; few that will carry over into the long haul. 

Attractiveness – Hey, we’re going sleep with them, maybe even reproduce with them, so we want them to be appealing, right?   What I’ve found here on the other side of youth is that those who are gorgeous young don’t usually stay that way.  Gee, imagine that!  Of course, those who weren’t so hot when they were young can turn into knock outs later on!  Gotta love the late bloomers!  But beauty is in the eye of the beholder isn’t it.  There are some fabulous physical beauties that are malignantly ugly to the core as there are precious stunning souls who are as ordinary as a blade of grass.  Where beauty is concerned, it’s something you really don’t find fact in as early as one might assume.  Real beauty is something that presents it’s self over time and has depth.  But when we’re young we don’t always know that. 

Compatibility – ok, so we think we know what we want when we’re young and know how to go about getting it.  What idiots we were!  Most of the time we didn’t have a clue other than we had our hearts set to that one person and one damned way or another we were going to have them!  God forbid it happened to be someone that our family didn’t approve of!  Again, from my own personal experience, let someone tell a teen what they can’t have and that’s just what they want.  Too many young couples have been driven into each others arms by way of ‘good intentions.’  Often the relationship is an escape; one preferable to what they’re moving away from - real or perceived.  We feed ourselves the fiction of what we want our life to be and then expect it to happen.  Some of us clumsily stagger along; little wonder the foundation was sandy rather than firm.  If goals are set and direction is employed then we find momentum but life is no perpetual motion machine.  Falling backwards is a hazard if efforts aren’t made to keep it going forward.  We can’t just love them, we have to really like the person we’re with; as they are rather than what we want them to be or plan to shape them into.  So much time and effort is wasted on power plays in the beginning.  I understand it stems from learning to live in new conditions with a person you are still getting to know but believe when I tell you that here is where patterns are set.  The scars to come are first cut.  Insidious shadows first creep.  Also be aware that when choosing someone you are subconsciously selecting someone who allows you to be what you think your role should be in that relationship.  A strong willed person is going to select a mild mannered person so that their own character can dominate.  Understand that well.  Somewhere down the line when you want to complain that your partner is weak or too pushy, remember that we teach people how to treat us as well as we pick our poisons.  We have just as much hand in our misery as our joys.  I also think that we tend to see others potential possibly more than they might see it themselves.  Just remember that potential is what they are capable of being, not necessarily what they want to or will be; attaining more is up to them, not you.  When relationships go bad we tend to beat ourselves up doubting our ability to judge character.  We turn it in on ourselves and get angry at the other who didn’t live up to our judgment.  Perhaps we aren’t wrong, perhaps we just hope for more than they are able to be for us.  The fit isn’t what it should have been for the best outcome.  As a general rule I have also noticed that there are those I call short termers and those who are long termers.  Short termers never stay in a relationship for more than a few years at the most at a time and usually they are shorter than that.  They sort of have relationship A.D.D.  These folks generally have unrealistic ideals of what a relationship should be as well as what the role the other person in it with them should be.  They tend to be a bit more self involved.  But to their favor they aren’t willing to waste time to put up with all the idiocy that some people can bring into the mix.  Long termers are in it for the long haul.  They work at it; they are too stubborn or stupid to give up.  They’re short fall is that they tend to tolerate a lot more than perhaps they should over time and usually invest far more than they can afford to lose should it fail.  They also tend to slant to the side of martyrdom.  The one thing for certain is that never the two shall mix successfully.  Next category to be aware of are those who are of words, those who are of action and the rare breed who can do both.  The ‘word’ person is going to talk a lot but not follow through often.  The ‘action’ person is going to do what needs doing for the most part but as they want because they aren’t willing to talk to get any other input but their own.  The magic equation is the one who can do both. 

Love – all we need is love…  Bullshit!  That fantasy works for teenagers and those in their early 20’s ONLY.  Ask anyone, male or female past the age of 35, whose real brain cells have kicked in if love is enough and they’ll laugh in your face.  A relationship is the fabric a couple weaves together.  It’s only as strong, as rich as what’s put into it.  Even the strongest and richest can become tattered if its not cared for properly.  Also know that there is no one in your life ever that you can love enough, cajole enough, push enough, wish enough, drag enough into doing or being anything more than they want to be.  The pain you might feel on their behalf is only going to be yours.  It won’t move them to your way of thinking, doing or being.

In the beginning it’s the little things, like a cancer cell, one mutation at a time.  Example:  She’s cleans the house but everyday you throw your dirty clothes on the floor rather than in the laundry hamper.  ‘Cleaning up in the home is her job!’ you might be thinking.  (There are a lot of stupid sexism ideals that rear their ugly heads in the beginning of relationships on both sides of the x/y fence)  Well let’s see, switch places here…  If you are working all day, every day and on call all the other hours you weren’t actually out there doing your thing and someone came behind you who intentionally countermines everything you’ve put your efforts into doing how might you feel?  Wouldn’t that feel like a personal attack to you?  Then why would you do this to someone you claim to love?  Have you ever noticed we tolerate more from strangers and extend more courtesy to them than we do to those we profess to care about?  How the hell does that possibly work to anything other than disaster in the end?  First thing that usually breaks in a relationship is that each person’s efforts get undermined and underappreciated by the other.  Besides, you’re an adult!  You are capable thus you have NO excuse.  You should want a clean home, money in the bank, a secure future, each others happiness too and be willing to invest small efforts to have those things.  Your life, your family and your home are where you showcase all the efforts you invest your time working towards.  Your home is your trophy case, illustrating what and whom you care for.  Taking care of things means you don’t have to replace them as often so that what you work so hard to earn can be used for other things you enjoy.  Having to continuously repeat an action that you’ve already done that is not part of routine maintenance is bad time management.  The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  Put the damn dirty clothes where they belong and she doesn’t bitch and you both get more time to do things you enjoy!  Why is that such a hard concept?  Again, ladies, you’re not off the hook either.  My biggest pet peeve about women is that they go into a relationship with the attitude that she really doesn’t like everything about him but she can mold him into what she wants him to be once they’re in a committed relationship.  If they have a track record of a particular behavior why the hell do you think you’re the magic key that turns it around?  Yep, in you’re mind you just that SPECIAL!!  I’ll call the short bus for ya…  Honey, if you don’t like him now or some of the things he does, you’re going to like him a hell of a lot less later because those things are going to drive you nuts as well as consistently get worse!  No matter how much you want him to do it like you would if you are stupid enough to forget he is NOT you, not like you and never will be then you only get what you deserve.  I’m not saying that you BOTH shouldn’t set a high standard but make it realistic with attainable steps in between, just realize that you each have priorities and they don’t always mesh.  Find his strengths, not his weaknesses and set him on those paths where he’ll find success and praise him so that he gets used to those ego strokes.  We all enjoy them and will go out of our way to earn them, even attempting things that may be out of our comfort zones!  Imagine that!  Never discourage him when he makes the effort even if it’s not to your liking because as soon as you do he’ll never try again and even more will be left to you to do.  And lastly, most importantly – never forget this is a man you are with.  If you want someone who acts like you then heterosexuality is not the right game for you.  Don’t try so hard to neuter him; you won’t like what you end up with in the end.  If you do when you need your man to stand up on his own two feet you’re going to find bit by bit you’ve removed everything from his waist down; crippling him to be what he should have been.  And stop trying to erase the evidence of him in the home!  So he has an ugly chair, picture, trophy that you think is tacky and you hate it!  Too bad!  He lives there too!  This is a good place to learn compromise and negotiation.  Look them up.  These are much better life skills to have over spoiled brat syndrome always wanting your way.  Besides, if you plan on having children you might as well introduce yourself to chaos slowly, what better way then through him!  *wink*  Let him have his friends and you keep yours.  You’re both going to need that network of support in your life.  Just because you are a couple doesn’t mean that you cease to be individuals.  You have to have experiences together as well as apart so that when you are together you’re able to bring things that are fresh, new and interesting to the unit.  As I’ve said in previous blogs, some of the best teachers we ever have in life are those who do it wrong because we get to see the results without having to experience them first hand.  Pay attention to what works and doesn’t work for others in your social circles.  Besides, isolating yourselves may be fun at first but in the end it’s another thing you’ll regret that will bite you in the ass later in your life together.

After the beginning, kids come along, work demands and life has settled into a pattern.  Things seem fine, alls going well and you’re content…  Not likely.  You’re just too distracted to deal with the gnawing annoyances.  You’ve stopped making time for yourself.  You start to examine your life.  You had plans, dreams and desires.  How does what you have compare to what you thought you’d have by this point?  It’s usually not very well.  It’s easier to adjust your ideals here at the midway point than it will be later on.  You’ve stopped making time for each other.  Sex is something you get through or just do to get out of the way more often than not.  It’s never as often or all that it should be.  Another thing I know for certain is that no one person can be all things to another person at all times and no matter how much you might want it to be different no one can will it into being otherwise.  That knowledge isn’t going to take away the feeling of isolation you’re beginning to feel in the relationship.  This is a dangerous time.  When couples stop reaching for each other to fulfill their needs yet if they aren’t fulfilled they will start to reach out to others.  At first it’s just support, some innocent flirtations, an ear, a shoulder, someone to make them feel desirable and allows them some bit of self indulgence.  In the beginning these things generally come from a variety of people.  They’re harmless then because there’s no ‘re-coupling’ going on.  It’s when the isolation goes deeper and the chasm between the two feels insurmountable that the unconscious search begins.  The connection is unraveling.  We tend to either feel vulnerable to re-coupling or a great desire to break away to independence.  We seek what’s missing.  If it’s gotten to this point it’s very likely communication is sporadic at best.  The things that really matter are being buried, internalized.  Again, this didn’t happen ‘out of the blue.’  She’s talked and he’s ignored her.  He’s struggled and she’s given him no credit.  He can’t understand why such things bother her; she can’t understand why those things don’t bother him.  If a relationship doesn’t progress and evolve as it goes along it can have no hope of survival.  Patterns and routine will kill any relationship regardless of who’s stuck in them.  So the cancer grows and goes deeper…

There’s a common complaint I hear from men, who have always loved talking to me about anything and everything but especially about their sexual prowess.  Surprise, surprise!  ‘We don’t have sex like we used to anymore.  She never wants it and if she does it’s boring.’  Now this is an area that varies from couple to couple but one thing that I have noticed that I find amazing is that people are willing to do things with and to each other that they’re terrified to talk about.  How strange is that?  My belief is that if you can’t say it out loud then you damned well shouldn’t be doing it!  You’re not mature enough yet!  When we’re younger its new, fun and something to explore together but even then we rarely ask for what we really want or need physically.  Then as we get older she’s wrapped up in everything except him because she’s managing the family, as is her nature, and he still wants the highly physical stimulation, as is his nature, they condemn each other for it!  He may have had or still has an interest in adult magazines or movies but some women feel personally offended by it.  I don’t get it.  (I happen to own and look at far more adult content than my husband does.  He’s not a prude but he’s also not as sensually oriented as I am.  It is what it is.)  Do you see guys bitching over the books that women read, the shows they like to watch, and all the distractions that they use for escapism?  Not usually huh.  She whines, ‘but I don’t look like those women, it gives them a false idea of what women should look like or want.’  It’s a fantasy babe.  I know you love your man but really, in most cases do you think if your guy walked up to a woman like that she’s going to just drop to her knees and worship him?  Yes guys, I know that’s how your best wet dream goes but even you know you’re not Hugh Hefner.  Then again, isn’t it flattering that your lady thinks so much of you that she believes the bombshell type couldn’t help but want you as much as she does?  Think about it, she may not say it but her actions are screaming that you’re a rock star in her eyes.  *winks*  Oh and ah, guys, women are very sexual, especially as she gets older.  Just think of yourself at 18 and how dynamic that awareness was for you.  It’s the same for her later on and if she doesn’t want sex that much it’s not that she isn’t sexual anymore, as you often tell yourself, it’s just very likely she doesn’t want sex with YOU!  There IS a difference.  The thing to remember about woman is that they don’t differentiate between what goes on outside the bedroom from what goes on in it.  The physical and the emotional are one and the same.  If there are issues in other parts of the relationship it’s going to affect the way she relates to you sexually as well.  If she’s gotten to that point then sadly, there is little a man can do to reverse that sentence.  Although, from my own conversations with some men there do seem to be those men who see sex as little more than a bodily function; something to be done casually at any time, anywhere with the currently available vessel that is little more than receptacle of the release. It may be more pleasurable than taking a piss but for some men it’s of little more impact to them than just that.  Ah the conquering male!  Those who subscribe to that kind of behavior don’t seem to realize that it’s equivalent to a small dog running around the neighborhood trying to mark territory.  It’s rather mindless and pathetic.  He loves the pursuit but after that…?  Yes, I know that sounds rather crass and base but there’s no other way of putting it to make it any prettier than what it is.  Not to say this is every man, it certainly isn’t but if by chance your woman feels any inkling that this same attitude is manifesting in your relationship it will wedge you apart permanently.  There’s plenty of blame to be spread to both men and women.  Even though he’s not the raging hormonal teen he is still a guy.  They are visual & physical.  Both men & women tend to get lazy as far as their creativity goes with each other in the bedroom.  Not surprising.  If they aren’t talking about it then they aren’t doing it!  Viagra – whoopee, you can pop a pill and get hard and she’s supposed to just fall all over you because you’ve got wood!  Right!  You’re so proud of that appendage, it’s what defines you as male, always has; at least in your mind.  Such a noble accomplishment that your body should function as it was meant to or that there’s a pill that can aid it to do so when the plumbing gets a kink.  Man logic - A hard cock equates to virility & power.  Sure caveman.  Mister, you better be packing more between your ears as between your legs if you’re going to stand a snowballs chance in hell.  I can tell you it’s not working for her and you’re going to be out of the game if that’s all you come swinging with.  Most of the Viagra, or other ED drugs being used, are being popped by guys who are too lazy to be creative.  Nothings wrong with the plumbing other than lack of enthusiasm.  Routine is death to anything that should be exciting!  Another point on Viagra…  The mere fact that this was the first drug of its kind to come out and that it came out for men tells you plenty right there!  Men can be sexually selfish at times, even before the advent of Viagra!  A really smart man would have invented the drug for women first, that is if women were yet allowed by society to be sexual beings in the first place…  Anyway, think about it guys, how hot would it be if your woman could take a pill that had her so hot she’d be all over you?  Talk about the gift that keeps on giving!  The pharmaceutical companies would make huge money because both men and women would be buying it up like tic tacs!  There are a lot of reasons why women lose interest.  It’s not because someone else has necessarily caught their fancy but more likely the relationship has taken enough of a toll that she’s finding her pleasure for herself either with a little bean time or maybe some hot sexting.  See, she’s going to be a sexual being whether you like it or not and with or without you.  Hey, being a long time writer of erotically explicit materials both publicly and privately I can tell you women love reading or writing some naughty prose and likely invented sexting!  (That and the hand held shower massage! *grins*)  You do notice that it goes on a lot but it’s just the guys who keep getting busted doing it?  She’s much cleverer in her pursuits I can guarantee you!  Oh and for the record.  I do NOT think sexting is cheating although it can be used as a gateway to that end obviously if it’s taken into reality.  Generally it’s just one of the many ways men and women interact socially.  It’s exciting, its fun, it’s also very eye opening.  You find out things about people you might not have guessed, including yourself!  Sexting is used differently by each person.  Though for me personally, it’s not something I neither do casually nor am I open to doing it with anyone just for the fun of it.  It’s private territory.  I have to have a hell of a connection with someone, which has taken place over time and is far more complex than just the physical attraction.  I require my muse.  *smiles*  But even this can be a painful reminder of what’s missing in your relationship/life, therefore adding to the feelings of frustration and isolation.  Yet another thing to want and not be able to have.

Mid-life crisis…  I hate this term.  If by chance you’ve managed to make it through all the rest to this point without having fixed the problems or baled sooner then I feel your pain.  The kids are grown; on their own or at least of an age where they damned well ought to be but might not be.  You’re finding yourself in the same house with what may be just short of a stranger; behaving more as room mates than a couple.  Living together but separated emotionally.  Not that you don’t care about one another, you’ve just come to the knowledge that it’s time to focus on yourself again.  Time is running out.  Maybe you’ve had some health concerns and are really beginning to feel your mortality.  You’ve done the family life, some of it was good, and some of it wasn’t.  Life isn’t a dress rehearsal, it’s here and now and there’s no more time to put things off for later because later may not come.  I don’t see this point in life as a crisis except to those who have become complacent and want no more than they have settled for.  Just how long and to what point do you sacrifice your desires, dreams and ideals to give someone else theirs?  How much is the ransom for self worth?  I suppose the question to pose over the whole of it is if you could go back and do it again, would you?  If the answer is no then it’s time to walk away.  If by chance you say that you would to a point but you’d change things so that they would be different then change them now.  If they can’t be changed then again you’re at a stalemate.  This is the place where I currently struggle, the questions I ponder most at the moment.  I think if I could change things I’d personally start my own cult, be the goddess of it and collect my own personal harem of men.  But that’s just me…  And what kind of person wants to be in a relationship where both are not living to their authentic self?  Who is this who’s closing their eyes to your needs and only allowing for their own?  These are the people who think divorces ‘come out of the blue.’  Again, they forget that there was more than one person in the relationship and perhaps the other wasn’t content, happy or fulfilled.  Come to think of it, it really is a statement of selfishness.  I was perfectly content to settle with things as they were but during the time when I really didn’t want to acknowledge anyone else or consider their part in this ‘shared experience’ someone else wasn’t any of the things they thought they were going to be by this point in their life.  So that must be the gist of the phrase ‘out of the blue.’ 

Listening to:  I Am Only One - We Are The Fallen