Out of the Blue…

I’d been thinking about writing this blog for a while and have decided that now is the time.  In the job that I do I get calls all day long so inexorably someone will volunteer personal information about their situations without prompting of any kind from me.  I have always been a listener so perhaps they either sense that or I have a voice that invites Aunt Agony confessions.  Either way there was a man who called for other purposes but then began to explain that he was flustered, after 26 years of marriage his wife divorced him ‘out of the blue’.  I have tons of compassion because I realize that he was in the middle of a major life changing event, that he couldn’t possibly predict all the consequences that were going to result from the incident.  But just because things were different, requiring him to make adjustments didn’t mean it was inevitably or conclusively going to be a negative in his life.  Different doesn’t equate to bad.  Even with all that empathy I couldn’t help feeling a bit annoyed because there is one thing I do know without a doubt; it did NOT happen ‘out of the blue.’  He may not have been paying attention, a possible root to the problem in the first place; he may have played ostrich sticking his head in the sand to deny that it was worse than he wanted to acknowledge that it was or perhaps he just took for granted.  Supposing that things had rolled along as they had for all that time so that momentum would invariably carry them through, but, it didn’t get there over night or happen ‘out of the blue.’  Please don’t think I’m singling men out here either.  Women play the same unrealistic mental mind fuck games with themselves as well.  Ah, the story teller syndrome…  More on that at another time.

I’ve decided, being that I’m living the situation now, to inform you of some facts based in reality, at least through my perception of it.  Isn’t that all any of us have anyway?

This did NOT happen out of the blue!!!  Paper is thin but it still has two sides.  There can be entirely different perspectives written on either side, sharing nothing in common but depending on the situation of the emotional instrument being used in writing, one side will make an impression and/or bleed onto the other side and it WILL be seen!  Acknowledgment is an entirely different beastie that most choose not to heed.  It’s more than just having blinders on, the only way it’s unexpected is if they’re totally dead to reality.  Did you know there is an employment test for awareness?  My husband has failed it.  There’s a shock!  I think there are some who need to be given that test BEFORE they get married and have to renew it every few years like a license!  Hmm, perhaps it should be posed as a course that starts in high school and advanced courses could be offered in college.  Just a thought…  *grins*

It actually starts to go wrong far BEFORE we get into those committed relationships.  No one gives us a guide on how to choose the person who will be our best relationship match when we first begin to dream of the person that we hope will share our life.  Those little ‘compatibility’ games we played in writing down each name with our own, crossing out the duplicate letters then doing the ‘love, hate, friendship, marriage’ thing with the remaining letters just don’t flippin work!  Even if we had a crystal ball we wouldn’t pay it any mind.  Our hearts and hormones have little to do with long term relationship forecasting!  If they did then they’d be about as accurate as weathermen!  The choices we make are based on a lot of factors; few that will carry over into the long haul. 

Attractiveness – Hey, we’re going sleep with them, maybe even reproduce with them, so we want them to be appealing, right?   What I’ve found here on the other side of youth is that those who are gorgeous young don’t usually stay that way.  Gee, imagine that!  Of course, those who weren’t so hot when they were young can turn into knock outs later on!  Gotta love the late bloomers!  But beauty is in the eye of the beholder isn’t it.  There are some fabulous physical beauties that are malignantly ugly to the core as there are precious stunning souls who are as ordinary as a blade of grass.  Where beauty is concerned, it’s something you really don’t find fact in as early as one might assume.  Real beauty is something that presents it’s self over time and has depth.  But when we’re young we don’t always know that. 

Compatibility – ok, so we think we know what we want when we’re young and know how to go about getting it.  What idiots we were!  Most of the time we didn’t have a clue other than we had our hearts set to that one person and one damned way or another we were going to have them!  God forbid it happened to be someone that our family didn’t approve of!  Again, from my own personal experience, let someone tell a teen what they can’t have and that’s just what they want.  Too many young couples have been driven into each others arms by way of ‘good intentions.’  Often the relationship is an escape; one preferable to what they’re moving away from - real or perceived.  We feed ourselves the fiction of what we want our life to be and then expect it to happen.  Some of us clumsily stagger along; little wonder the foundation was sandy rather than firm.  If goals are set and direction is employed then we find momentum but life is no perpetual motion machine.  Falling backwards is a hazard if efforts aren’t made to keep it going forward.  We can’t just love them, we have to really like the person we’re with; as they are rather than what we want them to be or plan to shape them into.  So much time and effort is wasted on power plays in the beginning.  I understand it stems from learning to live in new conditions with a person you are still getting to know but believe when I tell you that here is where patterns are set.  The scars to come are first cut.  Insidious shadows first creep.  Also be aware that when choosing someone you are subconsciously selecting someone who allows you to be what you think your role should be in that relationship.  A strong willed person is going to select a mild mannered person so that their own character can dominate.  Understand that well.  Somewhere down the line when you want to complain that your partner is weak or too pushy, remember that we teach people how to treat us as well as we pick our poisons.  We have just as much hand in our misery as our joys.  I also think that we tend to see others potential possibly more than they might see it themselves.  Just remember that potential is what they are capable of being, not necessarily what they want to or will be; attaining more is up to them, not you.  When relationships go bad we tend to beat ourselves up doubting our ability to judge character.  We turn it in on ourselves and get angry at the other who didn’t live up to our judgment.  Perhaps we aren’t wrong, perhaps we just hope for more than they are able to be for us.  The fit isn’t what it should have been for the best outcome.  As a general rule I have also noticed that there are those I call short termers and those who are long termers.  Short termers never stay in a relationship for more than a few years at the most at a time and usually they are shorter than that.  They sort of have relationship A.D.D.  These folks generally have unrealistic ideals of what a relationship should be as well as what the role the other person in it with them should be.  They tend to be a bit more self involved.  But to their favor they aren’t willing to waste time to put up with all the idiocy that some people can bring into the mix.  Long termers are in it for the long haul.  They work at it; they are too stubborn or stupid to give up.  They’re short fall is that they tend to tolerate a lot more than perhaps they should over time and usually invest far more than they can afford to lose should it fail.  They also tend to slant to the side of martyrdom.  The one thing for certain is that never the two shall mix successfully.  Next category to be aware of are those who are of words, those who are of action and the rare breed who can do both.  The ‘word’ person is going to talk a lot but not follow through often.  The ‘action’ person is going to do what needs doing for the most part but as they want because they aren’t willing to talk to get any other input but their own.  The magic equation is the one who can do both. 

Love – all we need is love…  Bullshit!  That fantasy works for teenagers and those in their early 20’s ONLY.  Ask anyone, male or female past the age of 35, whose real brain cells have kicked in if love is enough and they’ll laugh in your face.  A relationship is the fabric a couple weaves together.  It’s only as strong, as rich as what’s put into it.  Even the strongest and richest can become tattered if its not cared for properly.  Also know that there is no one in your life ever that you can love enough, cajole enough, push enough, wish enough, drag enough into doing or being anything more than they want to be.  The pain you might feel on their behalf is only going to be yours.  It won’t move them to your way of thinking, doing or being.

In the beginning it’s the little things, like a cancer cell, one mutation at a time.  Example:  She’s cleans the house but everyday you throw your dirty clothes on the floor rather than in the laundry hamper.  ‘Cleaning up in the home is her job!’ you might be thinking.  (There are a lot of stupid sexism ideals that rear their ugly heads in the beginning of relationships on both sides of the x/y fence)  Well let’s see, switch places here…  If you are working all day, every day and on call all the other hours you weren’t actually out there doing your thing and someone came behind you who intentionally countermines everything you’ve put your efforts into doing how might you feel?  Wouldn’t that feel like a personal attack to you?  Then why would you do this to someone you claim to love?  Have you ever noticed we tolerate more from strangers and extend more courtesy to them than we do to those we profess to care about?  How the hell does that possibly work to anything other than disaster in the end?  First thing that usually breaks in a relationship is that each person’s efforts get undermined and underappreciated by the other.  Besides, you’re an adult!  You are capable thus you have NO excuse.  You should want a clean home, money in the bank, a secure future, each others happiness too and be willing to invest small efforts to have those things.  Your life, your family and your home are where you showcase all the efforts you invest your time working towards.  Your home is your trophy case, illustrating what and whom you care for.  Taking care of things means you don’t have to replace them as often so that what you work so hard to earn can be used for other things you enjoy.  Having to continuously repeat an action that you’ve already done that is not part of routine maintenance is bad time management.  The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  Put the damn dirty clothes where they belong and she doesn’t bitch and you both get more time to do things you enjoy!  Why is that such a hard concept?  Again, ladies, you’re not off the hook either.  My biggest pet peeve about women is that they go into a relationship with the attitude that she really doesn’t like everything about him but she can mold him into what she wants him to be once they’re in a committed relationship.  If they have a track record of a particular behavior why the hell do you think you’re the magic key that turns it around?  Yep, in you’re mind you just that SPECIAL!!  I’ll call the short bus for ya…  Honey, if you don’t like him now or some of the things he does, you’re going to like him a hell of a lot less later because those things are going to drive you nuts as well as consistently get worse!  No matter how much you want him to do it like you would if you are stupid enough to forget he is NOT you, not like you and never will be then you only get what you deserve.  I’m not saying that you BOTH shouldn’t set a high standard but make it realistic with attainable steps in between, just realize that you each have priorities and they don’t always mesh.  Find his strengths, not his weaknesses and set him on those paths where he’ll find success and praise him so that he gets used to those ego strokes.  We all enjoy them and will go out of our way to earn them, even attempting things that may be out of our comfort zones!  Imagine that!  Never discourage him when he makes the effort even if it’s not to your liking because as soon as you do he’ll never try again and even more will be left to you to do.  And lastly, most importantly – never forget this is a man you are with.  If you want someone who acts like you then heterosexuality is not the right game for you.  Don’t try so hard to neuter him; you won’t like what you end up with in the end.  If you do when you need your man to stand up on his own two feet you’re going to find bit by bit you’ve removed everything from his waist down; crippling him to be what he should have been.  And stop trying to erase the evidence of him in the home!  So he has an ugly chair, picture, trophy that you think is tacky and you hate it!  Too bad!  He lives there too!  This is a good place to learn compromise and negotiation.  Look them up.  These are much better life skills to have over spoiled brat syndrome always wanting your way.  Besides, if you plan on having children you might as well introduce yourself to chaos slowly, what better way then through him!  *wink*  Let him have his friends and you keep yours.  You’re both going to need that network of support in your life.  Just because you are a couple doesn’t mean that you cease to be individuals.  You have to have experiences together as well as apart so that when you are together you’re able to bring things that are fresh, new and interesting to the unit.  As I’ve said in previous blogs, some of the best teachers we ever have in life are those who do it wrong because we get to see the results without having to experience them first hand.  Pay attention to what works and doesn’t work for others in your social circles.  Besides, isolating yourselves may be fun at first but in the end it’s another thing you’ll regret that will bite you in the ass later in your life together.

After the beginning, kids come along, work demands and life has settled into a pattern.  Things seem fine, alls going well and you’re content…  Not likely.  You’re just too distracted to deal with the gnawing annoyances.  You’ve stopped making time for yourself.  You start to examine your life.  You had plans, dreams and desires.  How does what you have compare to what you thought you’d have by this point?  It’s usually not very well.  It’s easier to adjust your ideals here at the midway point than it will be later on.  You’ve stopped making time for each other.  Sex is something you get through or just do to get out of the way more often than not.  It’s never as often or all that it should be.  Another thing I know for certain is that no one person can be all things to another person at all times and no matter how much you might want it to be different no one can will it into being otherwise.  That knowledge isn’t going to take away the feeling of isolation you’re beginning to feel in the relationship.  This is a dangerous time.  When couples stop reaching for each other to fulfill their needs yet if they aren’t fulfilled they will start to reach out to others.  At first it’s just support, some innocent flirtations, an ear, a shoulder, someone to make them feel desirable and allows them some bit of self indulgence.  In the beginning these things generally come from a variety of people.  They’re harmless then because there’s no ‘re-coupling’ going on.  It’s when the isolation goes deeper and the chasm between the two feels insurmountable that the unconscious search begins.  The connection is unraveling.  We tend to either feel vulnerable to re-coupling or a great desire to break away to independence.  We seek what’s missing.  If it’s gotten to this point it’s very likely communication is sporadic at best.  The things that really matter are being buried, internalized.  Again, this didn’t happen ‘out of the blue.’  She’s talked and he’s ignored her.  He’s struggled and she’s given him no credit.  He can’t understand why such things bother her; she can’t understand why those things don’t bother him.  If a relationship doesn’t progress and evolve as it goes along it can have no hope of survival.  Patterns and routine will kill any relationship regardless of who’s stuck in them.  So the cancer grows and goes deeper…

There’s a common complaint I hear from men, who have always loved talking to me about anything and everything but especially about their sexual prowess.  Surprise, surprise!  ‘We don’t have sex like we used to anymore.  She never wants it and if she does it’s boring.’  Now this is an area that varies from couple to couple but one thing that I have noticed that I find amazing is that people are willing to do things with and to each other that they’re terrified to talk about.  How strange is that?  My belief is that if you can’t say it out loud then you damned well shouldn’t be doing it!  You’re not mature enough yet!  When we’re younger its new, fun and something to explore together but even then we rarely ask for what we really want or need physically.  Then as we get older she’s wrapped up in everything except him because she’s managing the family, as is her nature, and he still wants the highly physical stimulation, as is his nature, they condemn each other for it!  He may have had or still has an interest in adult magazines or movies but some women feel personally offended by it.  I don’t get it.  (I happen to own and look at far more adult content than my husband does.  He’s not a prude but he’s also not as sensually oriented as I am.  It is what it is.)  Do you see guys bitching over the books that women read, the shows they like to watch, and all the distractions that they use for escapism?  Not usually huh.  She whines, ‘but I don’t look like those women, it gives them a false idea of what women should look like or want.’  It’s a fantasy babe.  I know you love your man but really, in most cases do you think if your guy walked up to a woman like that she’s going to just drop to her knees and worship him?  Yes guys, I know that’s how your best wet dream goes but even you know you’re not Hugh Hefner.  Then again, isn’t it flattering that your lady thinks so much of you that she believes the bombshell type couldn’t help but want you as much as she does?  Think about it, she may not say it but her actions are screaming that you’re a rock star in her eyes.  *winks*  Oh and ah, guys, women are very sexual, especially as she gets older.  Just think of yourself at 18 and how dynamic that awareness was for you.  It’s the same for her later on and if she doesn’t want sex that much it’s not that she isn’t sexual anymore, as you often tell yourself, it’s just very likely she doesn’t want sex with YOU!  There IS a difference.  The thing to remember about woman is that they don’t differentiate between what goes on outside the bedroom from what goes on in it.  The physical and the emotional are one and the same.  If there are issues in other parts of the relationship it’s going to affect the way she relates to you sexually as well.  If she’s gotten to that point then sadly, there is little a man can do to reverse that sentence.  Although, from my own conversations with some men there do seem to be those men who see sex as little more than a bodily function; something to be done casually at any time, anywhere with the currently available vessel that is little more than receptacle of the release. It may be more pleasurable than taking a piss but for some men it’s of little more impact to them than just that.  Ah the conquering male!  Those who subscribe to that kind of behavior don’t seem to realize that it’s equivalent to a small dog running around the neighborhood trying to mark territory.  It’s rather mindless and pathetic.  He loves the pursuit but after that…?  Yes, I know that sounds rather crass and base but there’s no other way of putting it to make it any prettier than what it is.  Not to say this is every man, it certainly isn’t but if by chance your woman feels any inkling that this same attitude is manifesting in your relationship it will wedge you apart permanently.  There’s plenty of blame to be spread to both men and women.  Even though he’s not the raging hormonal teen he is still a guy.  They are visual & physical.  Both men & women tend to get lazy as far as their creativity goes with each other in the bedroom.  Not surprising.  If they aren’t talking about it then they aren’t doing it!  Viagra – whoopee, you can pop a pill and get hard and she’s supposed to just fall all over you because you’ve got wood!  Right!  You’re so proud of that appendage, it’s what defines you as male, always has; at least in your mind.  Such a noble accomplishment that your body should function as it was meant to or that there’s a pill that can aid it to do so when the plumbing gets a kink.  Man logic - A hard cock equates to virility & power.  Sure caveman.  Mister, you better be packing more between your ears as between your legs if you’re going to stand a snowballs chance in hell.  I can tell you it’s not working for her and you’re going to be out of the game if that’s all you come swinging with.  Most of the Viagra, or other ED drugs being used, are being popped by guys who are too lazy to be creative.  Nothings wrong with the plumbing other than lack of enthusiasm.  Routine is death to anything that should be exciting!  Another point on Viagra…  The mere fact that this was the first drug of its kind to come out and that it came out for men tells you plenty right there!  Men can be sexually selfish at times, even before the advent of Viagra!  A really smart man would have invented the drug for women first, that is if women were yet allowed by society to be sexual beings in the first place…  Anyway, think about it guys, how hot would it be if your woman could take a pill that had her so hot she’d be all over you?  Talk about the gift that keeps on giving!  The pharmaceutical companies would make huge money because both men and women would be buying it up like tic tacs!  There are a lot of reasons why women lose interest.  It’s not because someone else has necessarily caught their fancy but more likely the relationship has taken enough of a toll that she’s finding her pleasure for herself either with a little bean time or maybe some hot sexting.  See, she’s going to be a sexual being whether you like it or not and with or without you.  Hey, being a long time writer of erotically explicit materials both publicly and privately I can tell you women love reading or writing some naughty prose and likely invented sexting!  (That and the hand held shower massage! *grins*)  You do notice that it goes on a lot but it’s just the guys who keep getting busted doing it?  She’s much cleverer in her pursuits I can guarantee you!  Oh and for the record.  I do NOT think sexting is cheating although it can be used as a gateway to that end obviously if it’s taken into reality.  Generally it’s just one of the many ways men and women interact socially.  It’s exciting, its fun, it’s also very eye opening.  You find out things about people you might not have guessed, including yourself!  Sexting is used differently by each person.  Though for me personally, it’s not something I neither do casually nor am I open to doing it with anyone just for the fun of it.  It’s private territory.  I have to have a hell of a connection with someone, which has taken place over time and is far more complex than just the physical attraction.  I require my muse.  *smiles*  But even this can be a painful reminder of what’s missing in your relationship/life, therefore adding to the feelings of frustration and isolation.  Yet another thing to want and not be able to have.

Mid-life crisis…  I hate this term.  If by chance you’ve managed to make it through all the rest to this point without having fixed the problems or baled sooner then I feel your pain.  The kids are grown; on their own or at least of an age where they damned well ought to be but might not be.  You’re finding yourself in the same house with what may be just short of a stranger; behaving more as room mates than a couple.  Living together but separated emotionally.  Not that you don’t care about one another, you’ve just come to the knowledge that it’s time to focus on yourself again.  Time is running out.  Maybe you’ve had some health concerns and are really beginning to feel your mortality.  You’ve done the family life, some of it was good, and some of it wasn’t.  Life isn’t a dress rehearsal, it’s here and now and there’s no more time to put things off for later because later may not come.  I don’t see this point in life as a crisis except to those who have become complacent and want no more than they have settled for.  Just how long and to what point do you sacrifice your desires, dreams and ideals to give someone else theirs?  How much is the ransom for self worth?  I suppose the question to pose over the whole of it is if you could go back and do it again, would you?  If the answer is no then it’s time to walk away.  If by chance you say that you would to a point but you’d change things so that they would be different then change them now.  If they can’t be changed then again you’re at a stalemate.  This is the place where I currently struggle, the questions I ponder most at the moment.  I think if I could change things I’d personally start my own cult, be the goddess of it and collect my own personal harem of men.  But that’s just me…  And what kind of person wants to be in a relationship where both are not living to their authentic self?  Who is this who’s closing their eyes to your needs and only allowing for their own?  These are the people who think divorces ‘come out of the blue.’  Again, they forget that there was more than one person in the relationship and perhaps the other wasn’t content, happy or fulfilled.  Come to think of it, it really is a statement of selfishness.  I was perfectly content to settle with things as they were but during the time when I really didn’t want to acknowledge anyone else or consider their part in this ‘shared experience’ someone else wasn’t any of the things they thought they were going to be by this point in their life.  So that must be the gist of the phrase ‘out of the blue.’ 

Listening to:  I Am Only One - We Are The Fallen

Hiding...

I’ve come to appreciate this site over the other where I maintain a blog because of it’s anonymity.  In a way there’s a comfort in having the ability to hide myself & my thoughts here where it doesn’t get the traffic that the other may receive.  I get to post my truest self and should my mental amblings one day be read then it won’t likely be by anyone who encountered me in any other way but via this virtual medium.  Yes, there is a sort of purity to what I leave on the pages here.  All writers face the reality that when they write they may or may not reach the masses.  Some write just to that purpose.  Others write in hopes that one day, amongst all the possibilities that exist for others to read, that someone might pick up what we have penned & find something that touches them, that illusive realm of immortality that brings us to life in their minds if even for only a moment.  Perhaps that’s what I find here among the multitude.  I’ve always thought of myself as being a treasure found.  A treasure, you say, pretty damned arrogant aren’t you?  But don’t we all think or hope we’re something unique?  Some special illuminated element that only exists within us; some precious pearl that our frame of reference has shaped & polished?  Isn’t our worth based on our own opinion along side the value that another person places in us?  I think a true treasure has a balance of those two elements.  They never think too highly of themselves nor rely too heavily on the opinions of others to feel their worthiness.  From my own observations, treasures that are sought rarely live up to the expectations of those looking for them.  Those which are found without expectation are all the more highly prized simply because there was no preconceived notion of their value in the first place.  That’s who I’ve felt I have attempted to be, admittedly often fighting to balance that scale of self worth versus outside influence, more often than not feeling the heaviness of the doubt of value from either.  In living that struggle I trust the same wisdom has been gleaned, some difficult path has been forged and sentiments may present themselves in what I might write that bring the reader along with me on an exploration of life.  My hope is that for someone it can be a treasure found; a place where the joys and pains are shared empathically across time and distance.

My life is not all it could or should be.  Of course I take responsibility for my part in that though I also know I am not the sole influence to the good or bad of it all together, but It is my own, thus what I make it.  I lay in bed at night with a man beside me, never touching with the layers of bedding between us, who I feel no passion for.  Certainly I care for him but it is now out of habit rather than out of desire to be together.  He’s been a part of my life for nearly three quarters of the time I have existed.  My son still lives at home, at 25 still not equipped to live his life on his own.  It’s a pattern that we are living, not life.  I lay there at night often weeping into my pillow silent tears of longing.  For the life I’d hoped for, for what I’ve allowed myself to accept.  For futility I see in my existence; past, present & future.  For all that will never be mine and mourning the ideals I held that have not bourn but rare fruits, too few and far between to sustain a fulfilled life.  I weep with the realization that in my fifty one years of life I have never truly been cared for or loved in return with the passion and conviction that I have given.  I’m crushed under the knowledge, the harsh awareness of it all.  In a life where there aren’t second chances I have been given more than my fair share, trying desperately to shift the tide, finding that I may be past the point of having enough momentum to alter the current.  Each time I have done so thus far I have been left feeling my survival has brought additional punishment rather than reward.  I examine my circumstance and acknowledge that through it all, I am the common denominator.  I struggle to name the cause so that I have a place to start to focus my attentions for change but always finding that there are too many threads in too many directions and a proper tapestry can’t be woven from any of it.  I have attempted not to fall into the pattern we often tend to; that we trust in what we tell ourselves far more often than we deserve to trust in any one person, let alone ourselves.  But it seems to me that if my life is derailed then as it’s conductor I am the one at fault, I have trusted too much in my own navigation when it was clearly in error but I don’t know how to return to the track.  I feel utterly lost.  I have put forth gigantic efforts so that others would be more at ease in their role within my life; they have eagerly taken it and happily let me lead the way, learning by my instruction of example that there is no need to make their own efforts.  Is it little wondered then that when I do need them to finally be supportive they don’t know how.  I have created and trained the beast.  Oh how cruel the fates that the one thing I have to rely on those closest to me for is the one thing I hate having to need from others the most - basic mobility.  I have sabotaged my own life; my own happiness and my own success within it.  Most of all I sacrifice myself so that others are spared.  I’ve heard that we all do what we do because we get a payoff for it that we enjoy or we’d do something different.  Sometimes it’s in response to an event in our life but after a while it may continue simply out of habit.  Again, that word.  So what was/is my payoff.  I get to sacrifice myself on the altar of emotional superiority in that I have not caused others the pain that they have caused me.  I made that promise to myself when I was 15 and have kept it up to the point that I have done more harm to myself than anyone else possibly could have done.  OK, perhaps given some of the people in my life, maybe not quite as much… 

In that vein of self sacrifice the one thing I am absolutely consistent at is evasion.  Should anyone ask me how I am or what’s going on in my life I will spare them the grizzly details.  I suppose I follow the adage, “I could complain but who would care.”  I learned that people ask you how you are generally for one of three reasons.  The first being politeness.  Not that they really want to know but it’s a nice thing to act like they do in the preface of an impersonal conversation.  The second is comparison, to see if you might be doing better or worse than they are.  This is often to the negative where they hope to get information that makes them superior in their situation to yours.  They don’t really care how you are other than to make sure you’re in your place beneath them.  The third is out of genuine concern.  I can tell you that this is the one that is used the very least.  Even if I am in a venting frame of mind and feel that the question was posed sincerely you can bet that what I tell you is going to be merely a scratch of the surface.  The reality is going to be a hundred times worse than what I let on.  Of course, those who push for the facts are even more rare, almost mythical.  How many times have we heard of something happening to someone, a person living under conditions that were surprising to even those who were supposed to be close to them in their life but ‘had no idea it was so bad!’  I can tell you that they didn’t want to know.  They only asked for one of the first two reasons, never the last or they would have made a point to know.

So with that in mind; good, bad or otherwise, I am going to tell the raw truth of my existence here.  When I was younger, writing was much easier to do.  I think it’s because then, the emotions I was wrestling with were just below the surface.  Churning, boiling and erupting through the only real vent I allowed them.  Now, I’ve had a lifetime of stuffing them down, pretending they could be controlled and trying to become numb to the intensity of how much more deeply they cut.  If the psychological scars of life could be seen as physical ones are then my soul would be crisscrossed like a multidimensional road map with a topography that rarely ever lay smooth.  A friend told me I should write about what I go through but upon thinking about it I realized that doing so is not the release and restructuring it once was for me.  Then it had all been an internal business, sole proprietorship.  Now, all that I do impacts me and all those around me who I’ve let lean far too hard on my shoulders.  Writing about the current events just turns into a rehashing of all the things I’ve already lived that I am working hard to get through.  I’ve already lived them once, repeating them just to write about them is just too depressing.  Still, there are times when I do want to write, to find the way back to myself again, back to knowing the purpose of my life, finding a direction rather than whirling in this endless vortex of uncertainty.  Life doesn’t have a structured outline but I sure as hell wish it did, so I don’t know how this is all going to transpire but the only way it starts is to begin.  This post is just a step in many along that journey.

A Family Christmas

Well the worst of the holidays are over! Only new years to get through & that's not that hard. Christmas was a definite mixed bag this year. The events leading up to it have certainly shifted my relationship with my sister irrevocably. When we all first started off & Rodney & I got our house first we had everyone over for both Thanksgiving and then again for Christmas Eve & Christmas day dinner. We did that for years! Then once Debbie got herself together & decided she wanted to add to things we would switch off Thanksgiving & Christmas dinners. But for the last few years with all the financial stuff going on with us for a while we did Thanksgiving at home then Christmas at her house. For some reason or other, I think it may have been because Scott came up early one year, we started having both Thanksgiving & Christmas at Debbie's. Of course she was never put upon to do all the cooking. I certainly brought my fair share plus since I notoriously overdue when it comes to cooking though it was eaten less & less by them. Seems Debbie was always gearing the meals to what her kids would or wouldn't eat. I like the tried & true but I like to try new things too. Since they are both adults and there are others at the meal I don't see why that was supposed to continue. This past Thanksgiving about the only thing that I brought that they ate, and Debbie squirreled a lot away for Trevor as usual, were my rolls. So here Christmas is coming & I notice Debbie isn't saying anything about what she plans to make, what she wants me to bring or anything. Unusual. Of course she's not obligated to do the meal, she never has been, and if at any time she would have said, 'Hey, I'm just not up to it.' it would have been all good. I mean it's not like I can't do our own, I did it for years & still do a lot of our meals weekly and the majority are home made not from box stuff too so I am & always have been more capable of it than even she is. What pissed me off & has changed my feelings for my sister is that she said nothing. Not a word. Not that she didn't feel up to it, not that I might think of making my own plans or anything. Had I not just had this nagging feeling that something was off I would have assumed it was business as usual & only gotten what I needed to make the dishes that I planned on taking and would have been left without the meat for the meal. But as I said, I had a suspicion so I bought a roast. Just to check my suspicions I called my sister on Christmas Eve & talked to her about nothing in particular for almost two hours to see if she'd say anything. Again, no invitation, no mention of the meal at all. Now how damned sad is it to not even say anything to give the person the chance to cover their own meal. That's just sorry behavior from anyone, no less from someone who is supposed to care about you, your own sister. I suppose, as usual, it's my own fault for feeling hurt simply because I expected her to behave as I would have & I forgot again that she might not because she's not me. I could never do that to another person, especially not someone I care for. We all hold others to our standard either of what we might do or what we expect others to do for us so it's little wonder that people disappoint us so often simply because they are NOT us. They don't have to be. The thing we have to do is remind ourselves that it's likely we have disappointed people with our behavior sometimes too. But anyway, I went about making my meal & baking & things to give to my sister & her family just the same. I have to answer to myself so I won't allow her to change my sense of right & wrong. I don't play the retribution games that some others might. If I don't like a behavior I don't partake in it myself. Serves nothing to spread that kind of negativity. The next day she called for something & I flat asked her if we were invited for dinner or not. She said that if we wanted to come she could feed us but that she didn't have much. She just didn't feel up to doing a lot because of all the stress she'd been under this year... I'm thinking, really? Let's see, was it her who almost died a couple months ago? Was it her mother in law who just died a month ago? Has she been fighting to stay afloat financially? Was her relationship as unsustaining as mine is? The answer to all of those is a resounding NO!!! Why my sister does the things that she does has always been a mystery but make no mistake, it's never accidental hurt that she causes, never has been. She took the worst qualities of our mother and somehow managed to intensify them to a whole new level. Where she's nice & generous she's ridiculously over the top. (I've never been privy to that stage) When she views you as less than desirable the only time she can tolerate you is if you can do something for her. (This is where I live in her heart & mind) Anything that I do for her is owed to her because she thinks its her due, not because I genuinely care for her, which I have always & still do in spite of herself. Back to the conversation... I told her that I had plenty of food to bring if she wanted me to. She said that we could do whatever we wanted but she then added the addendum to the statement by going on about how sometime that day she was going to have to get to a lady she works with house to drop off all the gifts that she got for her kids. (That person is on Debbie's highly generous level, at least for the moment) Which was just another way of saying; I'd rather be around you & yours as little as possible thank you. So I said that we'd eat our meals at our own homes & we'd drop their gifts off later. From this point on I will make my own holiday meals & we will drop off their gift on Christmas Eve and that will be the end of it. Needless to say, it was a bit tense; at least it was for me, when we did get over to her house. I kept prodding them to open the gifts so that we could be on our way out. Kind of hard to feel comfortable where you don't exactly feel welcome. When I was in the hospital I was talking to my brother & he got upset with me that when I needed help, such as to borrow money for a short time, why I didn't come to him. I explained to him that I come to him every time I need the important stuff. Someone to listen, someone to disagree with & still be sure that they loved me & I love them when we don't see eye to eye, someone to just be easy & bs with. He's my best friend so he always is there to help in all the important ways. I only go to Debbie when I have no choice, no other options because she's always made the cost of asking too high. Seems the cost is always a chunk of my dignity. She's very practiced at looking down her nose at people & she doesn't exclude family. I know the psychological edict that says what she is doing is called leveling. That the way to elevate herself by putting others down. That being the case then she should be one of the most conceited things walking the planet - which I think she often comes too close to being. I could also suggest that my medical run in with death yet again might have frightened her to the point where she is acting out of self preservation, a common emotional trick that we play when we know that we are in danger of losing something or someone important to us so we protect ourselves by moving away from it before the loss because we fool ourselves into believing that when the loss came it would hurt less if we weren't as close to it. But of course you also see what I'm doing, what I always do. Trying to not only figure out the puzzle but why the pieces are shaped the way they are. Making excuses for behavior that is inexcusable. It's not bad to do that for the occasional oddity but when the actions are habitual there does come a point where it is no longer something to be tolerated. Given the situation then I have to exercise my own preservation. If I can't physically be away from her all the time then I can move myself emotionally away & not engage her or the behavior when I can avoid it. As it was with my mother it is the same with my sister. It's not that I don't love her a great deal, I do & always will; I just don't like her very much. My mother & sister both needed help & support that I can't provide. I'm simply not trained to do so. There has been & still are many things that I offer to those in my life who want it but I don't force it nor will I again tolerate being abused for having an open heart like I did with my mother. Far too many scars there to subject myself to more filleting if I can avoid it. Still, it strikes me how sad it is that she has cut herself away from the relationship we could have. But I suppose there is no forcing someone to value us as we hope that we might be valued by them. All we can do is decide whether or not we allow the relationship to go on as it is, change it or end it. In the end we are the ones with all the choices as well as the consequences.

But other than this one issue it wasn't a bad day. Still happy that it's over with for another year all the same. Everyone got almost all that they wanted and then some. I start back to work full time tomorrow so there will be a bright new shiny computer somewhere in my future. Bring on spring!

Fathers

Fathers




I had an event reminder pop up on my calendar for the week that brought about a bit of reflection so I decided to sit down & write about something that I’ve meant to for some time – fathers. For some reason in today’s world we don’t put as much emphasis on the importance of fathers in a child’s life. Now I’m not saying that just any man will do. He may or may not be the biological sire in fact though if you’re going to create them you should be there for them. Being that the times are what they are today there is very little excuse to creating a life by accident. No one is ignorant of how children get here of how to prevent it. It seems laziness or irresponsibility is the main culprits these days. Anyway… I am talking about one who is plugged in & active with his child’s life. Having grown up without mine around I can tell you that even if they say you never truly miss what you never had I absolutely missed not having my father there. Yes, it’s likely I missed more the ideal of what I thought a father should be more so than the actual man who sired me was. The real person was flawed. We’re all flawed to one degree or another but some are more so than others. My father chose not to be a part of my life. Now I can make excuses for him… He & my mother had gotten married far too young & he hadn’t been ready for the responsibilities of parenting or marriage for that matter. (And no, my mother actually wasn’t pregnant prior to their getting married, they were just the tragic teen age loves who thought that love had only ever really existed until they came together) My mother became such a pain in the ass that he decided he didn’t want to deal with her anymore. His mother never liked my mom & he was such a momma’s boy that eventually heeded his mother telling him that my mom was trapping him, holding him back. He had other things he wanted from his life & somehow through the course of living he just lost touch. It was too daunting a task so he fled. All of the above are true, the cumulative list relevant to varying degrees as to why he wasn’t there. What it comes down to is that they really don’t matter; he still decided NOT to be there, ever. There were no calls, no visitation, no cards, and no contact whatsoever. Not from him or his family.



I can also say that perhaps if he let these things separate him from my life then it’s also very likely I am a better person for him having NOT been there. I’ll never know though will I. I was never given a choice. All I knew of what a father might be like came when I was 6 years old from one of my mother’s boyfriends made a habit of walking me to school, listening to me, answering my questions & loving me - proud to have been seen as my father even if he wasn’t when my father wasn’t there. Unfortunately that relationship didn’t last with my mother either so he left my life as well. He’d been a Marine & I still have the Marine amulet that had been his that he gave me to remember him by. It broke my heart even more when just a couple years after their break up we learned he’d been accidentally killed while hunting. He’d been the closest thing I’d ever had to a father in my life, even if it had only been for too short a period of time.



The only memory I have of my father was during his father’s funeral when I was about 3 or 4 years old. I don’t remember his face, only that I was happy to see him. He picked me up, said “There’s my girl” & held me. I remember hugging him & that he cried. I don’t know if it was for me or for his father dying. I also remember going home with my mother afterwards where my grandmother had asked if we’d seen him there. I very clearly remember Mom replying in a disgusted voice, “Yes, the bastard had the nerve to pick her up & cry.” That inflammatory statement has lingered in my head all my life. Even if she wasn’t the happiest person I think to some degree she had the right to her bitterness against him because he didn’t step up to be a father to his child regardless of his relationship with her. I’m sure some of her disdain came from the disappointment in her self for being wrong in the choice she had made in the man she had wanted in her life who she had hoped would be more than what he was. Not that it’s ever an easy pill to swallow but it must be especially bitter to one who is still only a teenager. Let me tell you that my mother was no saint either. Growing up with her I could see why someone would want to be away from her. She often made a point, though it’s only me who’s old enough to remember, that if she’d been given the choice she might not have stayed with her children either.



I missed my father even more as my mother & I failed to bond & even more so in my teen years when we outright clashed. I longed to be rescued from that misery. I could see why he hadn’t wanted to be with her but in escaping for him self he’d left me to fend for myself & I was only a child. I couldn’t leave nor did I have the assurance that at least one parent loved me when the other didn’t, which felt like most of the time… I mourned his absence most during these years. I wondered if he ever thought of me, remembered my birthday, and imagined what my life might be like, what he might be missing by not being a part of it. It was during this time that I did try to find him. I managed to find a distant cousin who was very much into the genealogy of the family, even collecting information so that our particular branch could be traced back to the original immigrant ancestor who came here from Germany in 1756. (Was interesting to find our family’s genealogy in a book at our local library & now online) It was also at that time that I found that there was a common trait amongst some of the men of my fathers immediate branch of the family, uncles in particular, the trait of fathers who leave their families. How sad. His father, my grandfather, had never left so I couldn’t understand why he thought it was ok. Anyway, I did manage to contact a couple of my father’s sisters & even his mother, my grandmother. Even though I talked to them a couple times via the phone I’d not been a regular part of their life as I’d grown up so it wasn’t hard for me to slip back into obscurity. What I’d found out was that I wasn’t alone. My father had disappeared & not had contact with the rest of his family as well. Or at least that’s what I was told. I couldn’t help think that they owed me no loyalty so I had to take what I was being told with a grain of doubt. Besides, just as they with me, I had no reason to blindly trust these people. He’d last been known to be in Colorado but that was decades ago so I’ve no idea if he’s dead or alive now.



It was more than apparent to me that he had no desire to be connected with me. My family had stayed in the same area all my life so it’s not like I couldn’t have been found had he wanted to. I think all children have an idealistic idea of what parents should be. They believe the fairytales & since they have no other experience of life outside that of their own they can’t fathom adult behavior. Even as adults we have difficulty with that. The only thing they know is that if they are happy then it must be good & if they aren’t then there must be something wrong, usually with them. As children we base our own self worth on how we are treated by those who are supposed to love us best. I wanted desperately to have a father like David Goldman, the father who fought with everything he was & had to bring his son home from Brazil. We want to believe that we are the most precious things in the world to our parents. The sad reality is that David Goldman is the fairytale. I grew up hearing my mother tell me that she had done the best for us that she could. What I realized later, as I finally put the reality against the fantasy, was that it wasn’t true. Sometimes we as parents we do all we can, other times we do just what gets us by. Other times we don’t do enough or all we should. Sometimes we fail & do nothing at all. And then there are the times that we go above & beyond what is expected. Hopefully somewhere in there is a balance. But then there’s another variable, some people should be parents & some shouldn’t. This tips the balance considerably. At least with two parents one often compensates for the other. Again, there are exceptions to either side. I’m not negating the role the child’s personality plays but it’s the parents who write on the blank slate of who & what a child is & will become. (That last is a Dr. Phil-ism for those who have heard it before & for those who haven’t but should)



I guess I wonder why it is so easy for so many fathers to walk away from their children. I’ve seen so many stories in the news over the years where a child turns up missing and/or ends up dead. Too often the culprit is the live in boyfriend. Somewhere along the line you’ll hear the father in the reports talking about how his ex should have not let the guy near his kids. How he never liked the men his ex had in her life around his kids. Funny thing is that these same ‘fathers’ were never there for the kids. If they had been & some jerk that he didn’t trust came around his kids he would have found a way to take them in himself. Usually the woman hooks up with the guy to help pay the bills & support her & her kids because ‘daddy’ isn’t there to do it or he is nearby but won’t help. What an incredibly sad & tragic irony that turns out being. Again, that isn’t always the case. There are some men out there who step up and become the very best fathers to children who become theirs solely out of love alone.



A while back my cousin, who I mentioned before that is into all the genealogy stuff, emailed me. He told me that he had found the address of a man who might be my father who was living in CO. Decades have passed since I’d last tried to find my father. Over that time I’d made peace that he was never going to be a part of my life. Not only because he’d removed himself but by now I’d decided he had no right to benefit from a life he’d never been a part of – mine. I told my cousin thank you but no thanks. He said that perhaps I might have questions that I wanted to ask my father if I could. I thought about that & again I decided no, his answered meant nothing to me now. My cousin went on to tell me that when he’d found his absent father he’d had a lot to ask & felt better for having had the chance to do so. Again I thought about it & realized that son’s seem to have that need more than daughters do. Understandable since a child bases what they should be from the same sex parent. Funny how sometimes they end up just like them when they admire that parent or the total opposite concerning the things they felt they failed at most. Example, a man who didn’t have a father around can decide to be the father to his children that he never had. Since he knew what was missing he’d know best what was needed. Another lesson I’ve learned is that more often than not those who make the wrong choices in life are some of the best teachers we can ever have. They show us first hand the consequences of bad choices… I believe that had it been my mother who had not been around I would have wanted to ask questions, to try & resolve for myself how a person could do something that I could never have considered. Although I’ve seen enough on talk shows to know that any time a mom leaves both sons & daughters need the answers to why. That’s because women aren’t expected to be the ones who leave, not that they don’t, just not to the degree that men do. Whereas, men are. Again, isn’t that a sad commentary on our society today. As a daughter I was supposed to learn from my father how a man should be expected to treat a woman by example of how he treated my mother & me. I would have based what qualities I deemed desirable from the rest of the men who entered my life on those that I loved best in my own father. Without that all I had to go on was a hope & a prayer that I had a clue to win the crap shoot & got it right. I guess what I learned best was what I didn’t want in a man rather than what I did. Let me say right here that there are fathers out there who are amazing! They are incredible with their son’s & their daughters are their treasures. The relationships they have with their children are rich & full even if they aren’t always perfect. It’s ok not to be perfect, again that’s something we teach by example to our children. I give those men all the credit & kudos that I’m sure they never get enough of. Thank you for choosing fatherhood!



Now, for those who aren’t in their children’s life for whatever reason that may be. There is still hope. Circumstances are unpredictable in life so perhaps you can’t control how much you are in that child’s life but it is up to you to do all you can to try to be. Stop making bullshit excuses about the ex, it doesn’t wash. If she won’t let you see your child or makes it hard then you have a choice. Set it up so that you are with a neutral third party. You DO have rights to your child if make the effort to exercise them rather than puss out & use her as a convenient excuse to bail on your responsibilities. Even if you’re not a part of that child’s daily routine make them part of yours! I have a friend who was getting ready to go into the military & he was going to be away from his two year old little girl. He was afraid that by the time he got back she wouldn’t know who he was. So I told him to do something I’d told a friend of mine who was a grandmother & who’s daughter had suddenly disappeared with her grand daughter to do so that one day when she did come back she’d know that she’d never been forgotten. Keep a journal for the child. Write in it regularly. Tell them what you’re doing in your life. How you’ve thought of them, what you hope for them, what you imagine they might be doing & how what you’d do if you could be there. Let them know, even if you can’t in any other way, that even if they weren’t there physically that you held them always in your heart. What does this cost you but time & it’s still less than what would have been required had you actually been there. Instead of pissing & moaning about the gifts, cards & letters that aren’t getting through, if you’re actually sending something that is, start a bank account on their behalf. The birthday money, Christmas gift money that you might have spent should go in there to help them out one day when they do come to you. And they will if you make sure you always let someone close to them know where you are. Again, that’s a choice you make that costs nothing but the effort but to that child – it will mean the world.



Oh, and the event – my father’s birthday is tomorrow. At least one of us remembers….

Friends

A lot has been going on in my life lately but I've told few exactly what it's been that's kept me quiet.  Earlier today a friend of mine caught me at a time when I felt like talking.  Of course he also made it easy by being so understanding.  There are a few things that we share in our individual life right now so perhaps that's why I was more open to talking to him about it.  We are only friends, no overtones of anything else to cloud or pollute this entirely honest & very revealing conversation.  I thought it was important to post this not only as a way of letting others who care about me know what is going on but also because its a true piece of reality that we all can relate to.  Haven't we all thought or even shared these very things, especially those of us in long term relationships.  If you ever want to know why things go astray, read the hearts of two on the edges of their own turning points...

Friend

I want to live somewhere warm!

Friend:

You ok mo?

♥Mo♥:

Just tired Friend, how are you?

Friend:

Ok thanks mo

Worst month of the year

And it's dragging

lol

♥Mo♥:

Amen Friend, I could sure use some sun therapy!

Friend:

Yes, a ll seems better when under the sun eh mo

♥Mo♥:

See, know I would be better able to deal with life if I lived where I had plenty of sun & heat. Must be a tropical person inside, don't do well in colder climate. Sorta like a plant I guess

Friend:

i am the same mo, i am really a positive person, but in winter, January mainly, my whole outlook is different, everything seems so damned pointless hehe

sun sun sun!!

♥Mo♥:

I think it's that during the winter there's just no release Friend, no way to escape all the bs like in the summer

Friend:

Agreed

♥Mo♥:

In the winter you're boxed in with it all, too close for comfort

No diversions

Dangerous place to be, alone with your thoughts too much

Friend:

Yes darlin, and i think people that feel and think a lot, can think themselves into darkness

♥Mo♥:

It’s always there Friend, perhaps those of us who live with it lurking crave the light even more

Friend:

yes mo, you are right, the trouble with me is, i promise myself I am going to do something about the misery of january, but then the sun arrives, and i forget how miserable i was,,until it's gone again, hehe.

but February is a short month mo,,,then spring is in the air

♥Mo♥:

Oh but Friend, think of what it must be like to live where the dark days of winter never really exist!

Wouldn’t that be awesome!

Friend:

Mo,, i would love it, and i would love it for you too

In Cyprus the sun shines nearly every day all year

♥Mo♥:

At this point though, think I might like doing that living thing on my own, that would be a new set of trials but that would have to be better than what I have right now

In New Mexico they say they have over 279 days of sun per year... oh how I'd love that

Friend:

Yes, and the water in the gulf is warm even in January, you would thrive mo

♥Mo♥:

Not Mexico Friend, New Mexico, the state next to Arizona, not quite as desserty in NM

I prefer to avoid hurricanes that hit in the gulf

Friend:

How far is that from where you are now mo?

lol, yes, hurricanes are BAD news

♥Mo♥:

Somewhere around 1500+ miles I think

Friend:

Wow! that's a trek

♥Mo♥:

Yes, it's in the SW portion of the US where as where I am now is NE

Friend:

So things aren't any better for you at home mo? you are not alone, lol.

♥Mo♥:

So it'd be a bishop move, nice diagonal

Friend:

lol!

♥Mo♥:

No Friend, not better at home & the man I've grown fond of is very busy with his job so I don't have that comfort either. Not that I'd ask

Have friends telling me I need to write about it, vent, but there are times when words just aren't the healing a soul needs you know

Friend:

Yes, i agree, words are powerful, but it has to lead to eventual actions, otherwise they become empty

Sometimes one needs something warm and real to cling to

♥Mo♥:

Its also bad when those that are there offer no comfort, only more emptiness

Friend:

It is, it feels like a type of punishment doesn't it mo

♥Mo♥:

Yes it does

Makes you question your choices as to why you remain
Friend:

Yes, i have those thoughts every day

It’s not living, more like existing at the moment

♥Mo♥:

Or trying to trudge through it... Not good when most feels like a struggle with little to no reward

We start to lose momentum

Friend:

Yes, and then get lost, and sink.

♥Mo♥:

Somehow Friend, we keep moving though, don't know why we keep hoping for more but somehow we do. Think we'll ever find it?

Friend:

Well, my friend is coming over March 17th mo, i will tell you how that goes when it happens, i am tired of going without affection, it ruins me.

Friend:

i am not sex mad by any standards, but there has to be some degree of physical contact and passion, life is empty without it

♥Mo♥:

I understand entirely & I hope it brings you what you need

I do hope that your path gets better lighting

Friend:

lol

lol!

♥Mo♥:

Just be prepared Friend, you risk a lot. I think that's why we both chose people at a distance, they were safer

but if they get close, we know where it must go and what we might lose

Friend:

I know, you are right, and i am worried

♥Mo♥:

You’d be insane not to be as well as a fool. I don't think you're either but I know your dilemma, I've thought of it too

Friend:

She has said to me she has no expectations other than to meet me, and be shown around and have fun

But who knows

Could be the worst, or best thing i have ever done

♥Mo♥:

Well, we're human Friend, not perfect. Never know what life is meant to bring us, all we can do is hope we get it right most of the time & learn when we get it wrong

Friend:

that’s about it mo, i cant help but wonder though, should we always settle for being discontent, just to avoid hurting others, should pursuit of ones own happiness always be last, i don't know.

♥Mo♥:

My special friend asked me the same question Friend. How often do we sacrifice our own happiness on behalf of others? When should we not & dare to think of ourselves. As I told him, that feels like the question I live asking myself every moment of my life & I've yet to come up with the answer but I still struggle with it

Friend:

I know that if i get to 80 years old, and I stay in the situating I am in right now until that day, I will be very sad and empty

♥Mo♥:

Then you're choice is already made Friend. The question is then how you walk away from that relationship.

♥Mo♥:

If you can truly say there is no chance that anything can be done to make it better then be done with it in more than just thought. That's where I am now. Working out how to move on if that is what I am going to do

As it stands is not acceptable

Friend:

that’s how i feel mo, but it is difficult isn't it

♥Mo♥:

Yes it is. very much so

♥Mo♥:

But then we weren't the ones who moved out of the relationship first were we

We just aren't content to live half a life

Friend:

That is exactly it mo x

Friend:

It was bearable going without contact for a long time, until I stopped trying myself, then something in me died

My mind is elsewhere now

I feel terrible that I have given up trying

But we can only all put so much in can't we mo

♥Mo♥:

Very true Friend, when all the effort is being made only on one side it wears us down

Friend:

Yes, and constant rejection, for whatever reason damned hurts, lol.

Then resentment sets in

♥Mo♥:

Yes, the rift grows till you only exist rather than living

Friend:

yes, you know mo as well, I’m the type that wants to be needed in a physical way, i am not interested in sex for self gratification just for the sake of it, if sex is offered out of duty, or it seems to be a chore, don't bother.

I work hard to be wanted, and I am all out, I am sure you know what I mean

♥Mo♥:

Yep, have shown hubby vids, dressed to be wanted, behaved to be wanted, shown him erotica & written it as well. Tried to get him involved where he could bring his own creativity but he is stuck in routine

Friend:

life sux mo,,lol,,i would so spoil and look after a woman like you, you would have everything i had to give, why on earth does this type of thing happen, why is my wife as cold as ice? why is your husband numb to what he has in you? I really want to know what it's all about, lol.

♥Mo♥:

Me too Friend, since I've been working my ass off to try & get ahead while my husband is content to do next to nothing. Just as I get something growing along comes some trouble to wipe it & me out. Literally! Example. I've been grabbing all the hours I can in a job that plays hell on my body & my eyes. My husband barely works 6 hours a week maybe. His pension covers just the basics

♥Mo♥:

He’s not motivated to do more & I can't live where everything is literally falling down around my head & be happy about it, especially when some is getting to be a hazard

♥Mo♥:

Just put a nice fat deposit in the bank & suddenly yesterday the truck needs a new battery cable, this morning the pilots are out on my furnace & water heater so I don't know what the hell is going on there....

it never ends & it really does feel like I'm being punished for living

Friend:

Baby,,,you deserve better, but you know that, you are being taken for granted, and it's very unfair.

♥Mo♥:

Life isn't fair Friend but it shouldn't be this damned hard either

♥Mo♥:

And it shouldn't be made harder by those who are supposed to love you

Friend:

Totally agree mo, the age we are now, it should be easier not harder than when we were younger, and in truth, that is part of my life that is ok, it makes it harder to leave for sure lol.

But to stay for a comfortable life isn't everything either I suppose, I don't know.

But what you have seems a bad deal all around mo

♥Mo♥:

Maybe I stay because somewhere I don't believe I deserve better. Maybe I haven't grown much from the child I was after all

Friend:

mo, what you deserve at the very least, is someone that puts you above all else, money comes and goes, we all know that, but if hubby has no work sometimes, then your home should be perfect and comfortable for you, that’s what i do, when i don’t earn, i work in the house, it's only right

♥Mo♥:

It may be what’s right Friend but it's not what I'm experiencing

Friend:

And to think you were still prepared to show love, even whilst struggling in other ways, you are an angel mo, i am sorry you are having things so hard

♥Mo♥:

Somewhere I guess I got this stupid idea that if you put out good things they come back to you... guess I forgot the one about bad things happening to good people none the less...

All I know is this is crushing me

Friend:

I can see why you feel crushed, you are being pushed and pulled in all ways, physically and emotionally you are not being looked after, and financially and comfort wise you are not being looked after, you are having to put far too much in, and getting very little out.

♥Mo♥:

& with my vision as it is, I can't even escape whether for a little bit or for good. So I feel caged with it

Little wonder I don't write about it, just another way of reliving what I don't want to be living in the first place

Friend:

yes, it's only therapy writing about something if it's behind you, certainly not whilst still living it.

♥Mo♥:

Besides, never cared for those who wrote to piss & moan, don't care to wallow in the negativity when all I want is a positive way to cope

Friend:

I agree, and your writing is always filled with optimism, you are a joy person really, just not experiencing much joy yourself at the moment.

♥Mo♥:

I definitely agree with that! You've been a dear, let me bend your ear for so long & cry on your shoulder. I do truly appreciate it more than you know

Friend:

i have told you before mo, anytime, you are welcome, drop me an e mail, and i will find you.

And you help me too, don't forget that

You are a voice of reason to me

♥Mo♥:

LOL, wish I was as good at being so with my own life hon. Funny how that works isn't it

Friend:

Yes, it is, lol.

♥Mo♥:

Well you are a blessed friend Friend, if I can help in any way I am more than happy to be there for you

Friend:

same mo, I had better go get some firewood before it's pitch dark, take care, and see you soon mo x x

♥Mo♥:

hugs & kisses back Friend, take care!

Friend:

xx

*EEB - Life Synops - Part Two (12-16-2008)

Before we'd moved from Grandma's house I'd started high school. I was so painfully shy and introverted then… (Yes, hard to believe huh... *wink*) I had a few friends who quite honestly if it weren't for them I don't know how I would have made it through that time in my life. It's probably why those who I choose to call my friends are so valuable to me to this day. But still I had no self worth so I'd often ask them why they were my friends because I saw no value in myself. How much could you have if your parent is always telling you how worthless you are or how I was a waste of time and effort. It was during this time that I had a wonderful teacher who found that I had a knack for writing and encouraged me to do so. He also made me smile and took great pleasure in making me blush so I'd turn that lovely magenta shade a few may have seen on occasion. (Yes, I still blush rather easily – comes from being a born redhead I think.) It was also during this time that I met Rodney. He was two years ahead of me and flirted with me outrageously. Something that took me by great surprise because I just didn't get that kind of attention from guys ever! Looking back I can also see that I was so incredibly vulnerable; that I was starved for any positive attention. We became very good friends and we were strictly that for the first five years that we knew each other. Ah but he was a huge bone of contention between me and my mother… She'd been sadly influenced by her father, my grandfather, who had been an official card carrying member of the KKK. But even through my own lack of self worth I started to recognize that my mother wasn't the ultimate authority on all things right and wrong despite her attitude to the contrary. I think we all start our own evolution when we begin to question those who've had authority in our life. There are also times when we realize that those same people are somehow stunted in their development and we recognize when we have surpassed all they are able to be. There's a sense of freedom in that knowledge, that somehow we've cut at least one of the major invisible threads that tethers us to the burden of their limitations...

We moved to the small isolated town of ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />New Carlisle. Did you know that Carlisle means city within walls? Well it sure felt like that to me to be sure! I felt imprisoned there. Not only because it was so small but because now I didn't have that circle of supportive friends. As I said, I was expected and did give up my teen age years to raise my brother and sister while mom worked. She was a master manipulator and made me feel guilty for wanting more than what I had in my "duty to the family." (Another ideal that was engrained into me that I can't manage to extricate myself from to this day) My escape was writing and I filled volumes with my journals. Writing was my reasoning tool, my exorcist, my sanity and my best friend. Through it I tore myself to pieces and restructured myself, finding not only value but real worth and I'll also admit to a bit of arrogance in my own ability for tolerance. For all that I was discovering about myself I still had a long way to go… Even now, decades later, I find that sometimes when I'm feeling out of control and vulnerable I feel like that same lost girl, doubting myself all over again. But in understanding myself I became even more intuitive to others. Some said that I had an uncanny ability to know what was going on in others minds, which was why they came to me when they wanted advice or were trying to understand a situation and to make sense of the actions of others.
With time I made friends, both male and female, (I've always had friends of both sexes, believe they can be such and actually prefer male friends to female, I just seem to be able to relate to them more easily) But I was always the one they came to with their troubles. I wanted my friends to be happy so I did my best to be there for them. I look back now though and see how one sided some of those tended to be but I really don't mind. I only have my self to answer for in life ultimately so as long as I am being the person I feel I need to be then that's all I can do but it did teach me another lesson on people, not everyone defines things the same as you might. What I considered was my role as a friend may not be the same as what someone else sees it as being. That was a concept that took some adjusting to as well and I think we all struggle with it even more as we get older and less tolerant of differences. But anyway… the guys only saw me as a friend, (I didn't mature in my attitude or my physical appearance until more recent years. Oh my breasts were always there, wore a size 36C in as early as fifth grade, but it was a bit annoying to me then that guys seemed to be so attracted to only that aspect of me so I dressed to cover that up and was very plain in my appearance) This left me always on the outside of the social interactions of teen life. Again, that might not be a very bad thing since it meant that I wasn't out doing the things my other friends were doing and finding themselves in trouble for because they weren't making the best choices for their life at that time. Please don't think though that I'm under any delusion that I was immune to making bad choices. I had my share although a vast majority of them were squeezed into my 'late rebellion.' More on that later… Anyway, not being overly social gave me more of a chance to watch and study the interactions of my friends and others. So with my own mistakes and paying close attention to others I learned that ultimately the best way to learn a lesson in what choices not to make is to see those who have chosen wrong and are living with the consequences. Ah, and yes there was the RP… I can look on it now and see that it probably kept me from doing some of the more foolish things that my friends did and most likely kept me safer because I wasn't able to be out running around like they could. It also isolated me even more. Well, there was that and my mom keeping me under a leash to my 'obligations.' But the RP also made me again choose friends that I could literally put my life in their hands and trust to look out for me. My visual fields were pretty normal then but I've always been night-blind so I never drove at night, though my night vision then wasn't nearly as bad as now, but I did have to have friends who didn't mind looking out for me, guiding me around if I needed it.

Now onto that late rebellion… I was about 19 when it happened and Lord knows how I managed to make it through in one piece! It began when mom finally got her way and Rodney caved to the pressure… We had started seeing each other more seriously, by then I was 18 but she was still determined to protect me from the ills of facing the wrath of society by being entangled with a black man. (Right, like that was the only reason I ever heard…) Rodney called for me one night and mom took the call, explaining to him that if he didn't stop seeing me she would disown me and put me out on the street. He knew that she'd been threatening to put me out for one reason or another most of my life as a means of controlling me so I knew that it had just been easier for him to cut all ties than keep dealing with her drama. Gee, that made me feel great knowing I'd not been worth fighting for with him. But it was not bloody likely she was ever going to follow through since I was keeping her home intact but Rodney wasn't as steadfast in our relationship as I was so he bailed. Oh I remember that night, the night my mother dug the knife so deep I thought I'd never stop bleeding from the pain of it. Rebellion exploded in me as I told her how much I hated her and walked out the door to die inside. The sad part is that I was tied to my family, I couldn't leave. My absolute knowledge of what my mother truly was made me stay for the sake of my brother and sister. I stayed because as I saw it I was all they had even if I didn't believe that was much, it was still more than mom could be for them. I still looked out for my brother and sister; we had realized that we only had each other to rely on so we'd grown together for the most part. Anyway, I started running around more with friends, sneaking out to run around in fast cars, spending as much time as I could away from home, hiking around state parks where I couldn't see an inch in front of my face at night trusting friends not to get me killed, partying and generally making up for lost time. As I said, I was very lucky. A particular incident comes to mind… Including one night where I'd gone out with a couple of my guy 'friends' who picked up more guy friends and bought a bunch of alcohol... Beer and early male testosterone brain lock doesn't improve any situation. After a bit they thought I was to be their treat for the night. That idea was squashed right quick when I forcefully informed them that the first idiot willing to risk his life was going to get a beer bottle smashed upside his head and the rest I would beat the hell out of if they tried to touch me. Thankfully this all occurred while we were all still sitting in the car so none of them had any leverage and I was in the middle of the front seat so I had a definite advantage. They were to take me home and never darken my step again. There is a definite advantage to not being a small woman. They knew I was serious so they took me home and the next time I saw any of them they apologized. Just the same I put distance between myself and them. Make no mistake, it scared the hell out of me and I never made the mistake of allowing myself to get into a similar situation again.
Oh and driving… One of my all time favorite freedoms… It ranked right up there with water and sun for me. And baby was I ever a lead foot! One of my best claims to fame was that Scott had gone to a vocational high school where he'd taken auto mechanics. (He had a natural talent with anything mechanical and fast) So most of his friends were big motor heads. He would brag that his sister, me, could outdrive any of them anytime and I could too! I loved driving and I loved driving fast! (I did slow down a bit when I flipped and rolled one car into a 6 foot ditch off the side of a country road and managed to walk away with nothing more than some very nasty bruises and minor stitches. Those kinds of things happen pretty easily when you're driving a Vega wagon with may pops and you hit fresh tar and gravel on a country road doing almost 70mph and the front right tire blows! Nose in first, flipped it back over front and then rolled it sideways three times. No seat belt and during one roll my head went out the side passenger window into the only damned mud puddle in the ditch but bounced back in before the roof of the car rolled down to crush my head… Yes, life wasn't ready to let me go just yet…
) The partying was limited. I never acquired a taste for beer or the hard stuff, though I did get quit wasted a couple times on it, made me horribly sick but five cent whiskey and cokes, even if they are weak, will do that after about 14 of them... YUCK! What a horrid night and whole next day that had been! My saving grace was since I'd never been able to see of drive at night I always had someone else who had to be the designated driver! It's still that way today. I found that I was allergic to pot, never really liked the feeling anyway. (It was a control thing I guess, I always have to be aware of what's going on around me and be able to remember it the next day) Discovered wine and dancing the night away at clubs. My friends and I had a system for letting me know, since I could see very little in those dark clubs, who I should and shouldn't dance with when they asked. (Can you even imagine the hilarity of it to have a guy walk up and tell you that he's noticed you watching him during the evening when you're in a place where every one just looks like a black silhouette against the neon beer signs and you'd be lucky just to see your own hand in front of your face because it's so dark and you're night blind as it is?) I also added to my sexual partner list, another area I didn't go overboard on because quite frankly I wouldn't have known what the hell to do with them. For all the information I thought I had I was naïve about sex and still not confident enough to embrace the education or the lessons… (Gee how time has changed me! Now my issue is my deep desire to expand my horizons and not having a partner with the imagination or ability to do so. Life can be so damned cruel!) Besides, I was still gun shy. I'd already been hurt once and I wasn't willing to jump in too deep again. Funny how important something or someone becomes to others when they no longer have it. Apparently that's what happened to Rodney. It took him a couple years but he decided I was what he wanted in his life. Oh and I was not going to be an easy catch. He'd hurt me deeply and that hadn't healed. I couldn't trust him as completely as I had before. As beneficial as I can see that break up was after the fact, in that it broke that illusion of the untarnished first love, even once we got back together I still withheld a part of myself from him. Self preservation I'm sure… (He's since had other occasions to make me reserve myself as well over our life.) He'd been laid off from where he'd worked during the great Reagan military build up and went into the Army. Not long after joining he asked me to marry him. I did love him and I saw it as finally having someone in my life that would be there for me and love me back so I said yes. At that time I was still living at home, my brother and sister were old enough to take care of themselves and that time around I never let mom know that I was seeing Rodney again. It was my life and I'd be damned if I was going to allow her to dictate the rest of it for me. About two years after he'd joined the Army he came home one weekend and we got married… ok, eloped. No big wedding, just me, him, the minister (a former air force chaplain that we found via the same air force base where I'd been born who could do it on the spur of the moment), and his wife in the tiny white country church out in the middle of nowhere. Needless to say our families were very surprised. We were married June 1 1984 and he was gone back to his base June 2 1984. We spent all of thirty days together that first year and they weren't consecutive… See, he was based at Fort Jackson, SC and all his 'friends' kept telling him that it wouldn't be a good idea for him to bring me down there being the kind of couple that we were and again, I wasn't his top priority, I waited and begged for a year for him to bring me there before he actually did. Of course mom took every opportunity to add her poisoned two cents. "Well if he really loved you then he'd want to have you with him no matter what…" And in the back of my mind I was sad that I had to agree to a point. (Another tell tale I should have seen for what it was but didn't) Eventually he did find us a place, with my doing most of the searching from Ohio, (before the internet I might add), and he came back to get me. Now, a very funny thing happened between me and my mother when I was actually leaving. She said, "You're not really going to leave us to go with him are you?" I told her that yes, he was my husband and I was finally going to be where he was. She was actually upset with me for leaving when she'd done nothing my whole life but threaten to make me go… First she threatened the children's home when I was younger, the juvenile home as I got older and then the streets when I got to be 18 and over. At the time leaving home was hard because it had been all I knew but I was ready to go, ready for something new – my own life.