Gifts From The Heart

This was recently posted as a post quote on Facebook by someone who’s been a part of my life for a very long time.  I have to say, it made me feel sorry for them although not likely in the manner they had hoped it might.  They’re not a bad person, just misguided and without external insight…

 

“You’ll end up real disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them.  Not everyone has the same heart as you.”

 

We have all felt the sting, or crush, of disappointment in our life through many avenues so I know we all understand from where this sentiment might stem.  However, in having known the person who’d placed this statement on their page as a representation of their own feelings, I found myself disconcerted. I began to dissect this particular statement and found duplicity at its core. 

 

One assumes that this person has done something for another ‘out of the goodness/kindness of their heart’.  Perhaps it is the vast ambiguity of this that is the very ‘heart’ of the issue in it’s self.  How that precise organ based act should be defined; the goodness or kindness of one’s heart as well as the term ‘gift’…    I suppose the definition is relative and relevant to the one holding the sentiment over all, how they wish to classify it in regards to the function it serves within their situational sphere.  Usually a self righteous one from my observations though I digress…  I believe there should be a base understanding, so in being that this is my observation on the subject, it will be my own for the course of this post.  You will either agree or not but at least it’s the start of a good discussion, which is the key to any understanding that’s to be had.

 

Giving or doing something out of the goodness or kindness of one’s heart is that which is offered freely, for the sheer grace of the gift of giving, for the pleasure of making another happy or lifting their burden and one that is entirely without expectation or obligation.  Anything less than that misses the mark of being from the heart resoundingly.  This is the point in which it gets convoluted.  With this definition in mind then, how many of us beyond doubt give a gift of the heart?  Suddenly our level of generosity to our fellow man plummets…  Not such a pleasant reflection on our selfless motives is it.  Ok, so if it’s not a gift then what is it we’re offering?  That’s simple though not nearly as magnanimous; it’s merely a trade and one that’s often unbalanced to both party’s reckoning.  Tit for tat, in for a penny – out for a pond, a bargaining chip, leverage.  (That last one being the most primary reason of all.)  In essence it’s being said, “I’m begrudgingly doing this for you BUT, should you agree to accept this thing that you would like, want or might even be desperate to receive, you are agreeing to be obligated to me on MY terms.  I’m expecting something in return on my investment and I get to stipulate the value of what I want back at the time of my choosing.”  Rather mercenary is it not?  Talk about being on the polar opposite side of kind, philanthropic or gifting.  Of course, every transaction varies in the perceived obligation owed.  It might be as simple a string as recognition and acknowledgement but it might also be an intricate web of strings that one may never disentangle themselves from, leaving them the unwitting puppet of a sadist holding the strings, always reminding them of how much they owe in debt for the ‘kindness’ they’ve been afforded.  I’ve observed that this type of ‘giver’ often over valued themselves and their contribution while devaluing that of the person they’ve contributed to or anything that person might have done for them.  Ergo the bane of the ‘giver’s’ disappointment, no one can ever hope to measure up when they’re not the one holding the yard stick.

 

I’m writing this as an observation as well as a reprimand of human behavior.  I also confess my own sin of falling into this practice on occasion, though hopefully not as frequently as I might once have done so since my awareness acuity has sharpened.  I believe it is a reflection of one of the base human nature elements as to how we glean our self worth against that of others but in understanding it’s root then we are able to recognize the trait and correct it accordingly.  This is not a means to discourage anyone from helping others where they can, that should occur far more than it does, it’s to encourage us to be completely honest with ourselves; examine which we’re offering and why.  Doing this might guide us to less disappointment in life if we comprehend that giving anything to another that has been tied up in a pretty bow with the strings of obligation is no gift from the heart.  An authentic gift from the heart holds no expectations thus no prospect of disappointment is created.

Out of the Blue…

I’d been thinking about writing this blog for a while and have decided that now is the time.  In the job that I do I get calls all day long so inexorably someone will volunteer personal information about their situations without prompting of any kind from me.  I have always been a listener so perhaps they either sense that or I have a voice that invites Aunt Agony confessions.  Either way there was a man who called for other purposes but then began to explain that he was flustered, after 26 years of marriage his wife divorced him ‘out of the blue’.  I have tons of compassion because I realize that he was in the middle of a major life changing event, that he couldn’t possibly predict all the consequences that were going to result from the incident.  But just because things were different, requiring him to make adjustments didn’t mean it was inevitably or conclusively going to be a negative in his life.  Different doesn’t equate to bad.  Even with all that empathy I couldn’t help feeling a bit annoyed because there is one thing I do know without a doubt; it did NOT happen ‘out of the blue.’  He may not have been paying attention, a possible root to the problem in the first place; he may have played ostrich sticking his head in the sand to deny that it was worse than he wanted to acknowledge that it was or perhaps he just took for granted.  Supposing that things had rolled along as they had for all that time so that momentum would invariably carry them through, but, it didn’t get there over night or happen ‘out of the blue.’  Please don’t think I’m singling men out here either.  Women play the same unrealistic mental mind fuck games with themselves as well.  Ah, the story teller syndrome…  More on that at another time.

I’ve decided, being that I’m living the situation now, to inform you of some facts based in reality, at least through my perception of it.  Isn’t that all any of us have anyway?

This did NOT happen out of the blue!!!  Paper is thin but it still has two sides.  There can be entirely different perspectives written on either side, sharing nothing in common but depending on the situation of the emotional instrument being used in writing, one side will make an impression and/or bleed onto the other side and it WILL be seen!  Acknowledgment is an entirely different beastie that most choose not to heed.  It’s more than just having blinders on, the only way it’s unexpected is if they’re totally dead to reality.  Did you know there is an employment test for awareness?  My husband has failed it.  There’s a shock!  I think there are some who need to be given that test BEFORE they get married and have to renew it every few years like a license!  Hmm, perhaps it should be posed as a course that starts in high school and advanced courses could be offered in college.  Just a thought…  *grins*

It actually starts to go wrong far BEFORE we get into those committed relationships.  No one gives us a guide on how to choose the person who will be our best relationship match when we first begin to dream of the person that we hope will share our life.  Those little ‘compatibility’ games we played in writing down each name with our own, crossing out the duplicate letters then doing the ‘love, hate, friendship, marriage’ thing with the remaining letters just don’t flippin work!  Even if we had a crystal ball we wouldn’t pay it any mind.  Our hearts and hormones have little to do with long term relationship forecasting!  If they did then they’d be about as accurate as weathermen!  The choices we make are based on a lot of factors; few that will carry over into the long haul. 

Attractiveness – Hey, we’re going sleep with them, maybe even reproduce with them, so we want them to be appealing, right?   What I’ve found here on the other side of youth is that those who are gorgeous young don’t usually stay that way.  Gee, imagine that!  Of course, those who weren’t so hot when they were young can turn into knock outs later on!  Gotta love the late bloomers!  But beauty is in the eye of the beholder isn’t it.  There are some fabulous physical beauties that are malignantly ugly to the core as there are precious stunning souls who are as ordinary as a blade of grass.  Where beauty is concerned, it’s something you really don’t find fact in as early as one might assume.  Real beauty is something that presents it’s self over time and has depth.  But when we’re young we don’t always know that. 

Compatibility – ok, so we think we know what we want when we’re young and know how to go about getting it.  What idiots we were!  Most of the time we didn’t have a clue other than we had our hearts set to that one person and one damned way or another we were going to have them!  God forbid it happened to be someone that our family didn’t approve of!  Again, from my own personal experience, let someone tell a teen what they can’t have and that’s just what they want.  Too many young couples have been driven into each others arms by way of ‘good intentions.’  Often the relationship is an escape; one preferable to what they’re moving away from - real or perceived.  We feed ourselves the fiction of what we want our life to be and then expect it to happen.  Some of us clumsily stagger along; little wonder the foundation was sandy rather than firm.  If goals are set and direction is employed then we find momentum but life is no perpetual motion machine.  Falling backwards is a hazard if efforts aren’t made to keep it going forward.  We can’t just love them, we have to really like the person we’re with; as they are rather than what we want them to be or plan to shape them into.  So much time and effort is wasted on power plays in the beginning.  I understand it stems from learning to live in new conditions with a person you are still getting to know but believe when I tell you that here is where patterns are set.  The scars to come are first cut.  Insidious shadows first creep.  Also be aware that when choosing someone you are subconsciously selecting someone who allows you to be what you think your role should be in that relationship.  A strong willed person is going to select a mild mannered person so that their own character can dominate.  Understand that well.  Somewhere down the line when you want to complain that your partner is weak or too pushy, remember that we teach people how to treat us as well as we pick our poisons.  We have just as much hand in our misery as our joys.  I also think that we tend to see others potential possibly more than they might see it themselves.  Just remember that potential is what they are capable of being, not necessarily what they want to or will be; attaining more is up to them, not you.  When relationships go bad we tend to beat ourselves up doubting our ability to judge character.  We turn it in on ourselves and get angry at the other who didn’t live up to our judgment.  Perhaps we aren’t wrong, perhaps we just hope for more than they are able to be for us.  The fit isn’t what it should have been for the best outcome.  As a general rule I have also noticed that there are those I call short termers and those who are long termers.  Short termers never stay in a relationship for more than a few years at the most at a time and usually they are shorter than that.  They sort of have relationship A.D.D.  These folks generally have unrealistic ideals of what a relationship should be as well as what the role the other person in it with them should be.  They tend to be a bit more self involved.  But to their favor they aren’t willing to waste time to put up with all the idiocy that some people can bring into the mix.  Long termers are in it for the long haul.  They work at it; they are too stubborn or stupid to give up.  They’re short fall is that they tend to tolerate a lot more than perhaps they should over time and usually invest far more than they can afford to lose should it fail.  They also tend to slant to the side of martyrdom.  The one thing for certain is that never the two shall mix successfully.  Next category to be aware of are those who are of words, those who are of action and the rare breed who can do both.  The ‘word’ person is going to talk a lot but not follow through often.  The ‘action’ person is going to do what needs doing for the most part but as they want because they aren’t willing to talk to get any other input but their own.  The magic equation is the one who can do both. 

Love – all we need is love…  Bullshit!  That fantasy works for teenagers and those in their early 20’s ONLY.  Ask anyone, male or female past the age of 35, whose real brain cells have kicked in if love is enough and they’ll laugh in your face.  A relationship is the fabric a couple weaves together.  It’s only as strong, as rich as what’s put into it.  Even the strongest and richest can become tattered if its not cared for properly.  Also know that there is no one in your life ever that you can love enough, cajole enough, push enough, wish enough, drag enough into doing or being anything more than they want to be.  The pain you might feel on their behalf is only going to be yours.  It won’t move them to your way of thinking, doing or being.

In the beginning it’s the little things, like a cancer cell, one mutation at a time.  Example:  She’s cleans the house but everyday you throw your dirty clothes on the floor rather than in the laundry hamper.  ‘Cleaning up in the home is her job!’ you might be thinking.  (There are a lot of stupid sexism ideals that rear their ugly heads in the beginning of relationships on both sides of the x/y fence)  Well let’s see, switch places here…  If you are working all day, every day and on call all the other hours you weren’t actually out there doing your thing and someone came behind you who intentionally countermines everything you’ve put your efforts into doing how might you feel?  Wouldn’t that feel like a personal attack to you?  Then why would you do this to someone you claim to love?  Have you ever noticed we tolerate more from strangers and extend more courtesy to them than we do to those we profess to care about?  How the hell does that possibly work to anything other than disaster in the end?  First thing that usually breaks in a relationship is that each person’s efforts get undermined and underappreciated by the other.  Besides, you’re an adult!  You are capable thus you have NO excuse.  You should want a clean home, money in the bank, a secure future, each others happiness too and be willing to invest small efforts to have those things.  Your life, your family and your home are where you showcase all the efforts you invest your time working towards.  Your home is your trophy case, illustrating what and whom you care for.  Taking care of things means you don’t have to replace them as often so that what you work so hard to earn can be used for other things you enjoy.  Having to continuously repeat an action that you’ve already done that is not part of routine maintenance is bad time management.  The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  Put the damn dirty clothes where they belong and she doesn’t bitch and you both get more time to do things you enjoy!  Why is that such a hard concept?  Again, ladies, you’re not off the hook either.  My biggest pet peeve about women is that they go into a relationship with the attitude that she really doesn’t like everything about him but she can mold him into what she wants him to be once they’re in a committed relationship.  If they have a track record of a particular behavior why the hell do you think you’re the magic key that turns it around?  Yep, in you’re mind you just that SPECIAL!!  I’ll call the short bus for ya…  Honey, if you don’t like him now or some of the things he does, you’re going to like him a hell of a lot less later because those things are going to drive you nuts as well as consistently get worse!  No matter how much you want him to do it like you would if you are stupid enough to forget he is NOT you, not like you and never will be then you only get what you deserve.  I’m not saying that you BOTH shouldn’t set a high standard but make it realistic with attainable steps in between, just realize that you each have priorities and they don’t always mesh.  Find his strengths, not his weaknesses and set him on those paths where he’ll find success and praise him so that he gets used to those ego strokes.  We all enjoy them and will go out of our way to earn them, even attempting things that may be out of our comfort zones!  Imagine that!  Never discourage him when he makes the effort even if it’s not to your liking because as soon as you do he’ll never try again and even more will be left to you to do.  And lastly, most importantly – never forget this is a man you are with.  If you want someone who acts like you then heterosexuality is not the right game for you.  Don’t try so hard to neuter him; you won’t like what you end up with in the end.  If you do when you need your man to stand up on his own two feet you’re going to find bit by bit you’ve removed everything from his waist down; crippling him to be what he should have been.  And stop trying to erase the evidence of him in the home!  So he has an ugly chair, picture, trophy that you think is tacky and you hate it!  Too bad!  He lives there too!  This is a good place to learn compromise and negotiation.  Look them up.  These are much better life skills to have over spoiled brat syndrome always wanting your way.  Besides, if you plan on having children you might as well introduce yourself to chaos slowly, what better way then through him!  *wink*  Let him have his friends and you keep yours.  You’re both going to need that network of support in your life.  Just because you are a couple doesn’t mean that you cease to be individuals.  You have to have experiences together as well as apart so that when you are together you’re able to bring things that are fresh, new and interesting to the unit.  As I’ve said in previous blogs, some of the best teachers we ever have in life are those who do it wrong because we get to see the results without having to experience them first hand.  Pay attention to what works and doesn’t work for others in your social circles.  Besides, isolating yourselves may be fun at first but in the end it’s another thing you’ll regret that will bite you in the ass later in your life together.

After the beginning, kids come along, work demands and life has settled into a pattern.  Things seem fine, alls going well and you’re content…  Not likely.  You’re just too distracted to deal with the gnawing annoyances.  You’ve stopped making time for yourself.  You start to examine your life.  You had plans, dreams and desires.  How does what you have compare to what you thought you’d have by this point?  It’s usually not very well.  It’s easier to adjust your ideals here at the midway point than it will be later on.  You’ve stopped making time for each other.  Sex is something you get through or just do to get out of the way more often than not.  It’s never as often or all that it should be.  Another thing I know for certain is that no one person can be all things to another person at all times and no matter how much you might want it to be different no one can will it into being otherwise.  That knowledge isn’t going to take away the feeling of isolation you’re beginning to feel in the relationship.  This is a dangerous time.  When couples stop reaching for each other to fulfill their needs yet if they aren’t fulfilled they will start to reach out to others.  At first it’s just support, some innocent flirtations, an ear, a shoulder, someone to make them feel desirable and allows them some bit of self indulgence.  In the beginning these things generally come from a variety of people.  They’re harmless then because there’s no ‘re-coupling’ going on.  It’s when the isolation goes deeper and the chasm between the two feels insurmountable that the unconscious search begins.  The connection is unraveling.  We tend to either feel vulnerable to re-coupling or a great desire to break away to independence.  We seek what’s missing.  If it’s gotten to this point it’s very likely communication is sporadic at best.  The things that really matter are being buried, internalized.  Again, this didn’t happen ‘out of the blue.’  She’s talked and he’s ignored her.  He’s struggled and she’s given him no credit.  He can’t understand why such things bother her; she can’t understand why those things don’t bother him.  If a relationship doesn’t progress and evolve as it goes along it can have no hope of survival.  Patterns and routine will kill any relationship regardless of who’s stuck in them.  So the cancer grows and goes deeper…

There’s a common complaint I hear from men, who have always loved talking to me about anything and everything but especially about their sexual prowess.  Surprise, surprise!  ‘We don’t have sex like we used to anymore.  She never wants it and if she does it’s boring.’  Now this is an area that varies from couple to couple but one thing that I have noticed that I find amazing is that people are willing to do things with and to each other that they’re terrified to talk about.  How strange is that?  My belief is that if you can’t say it out loud then you damned well shouldn’t be doing it!  You’re not mature enough yet!  When we’re younger its new, fun and something to explore together but even then we rarely ask for what we really want or need physically.  Then as we get older she’s wrapped up in everything except him because she’s managing the family, as is her nature, and he still wants the highly physical stimulation, as is his nature, they condemn each other for it!  He may have had or still has an interest in adult magazines or movies but some women feel personally offended by it.  I don’t get it.  (I happen to own and look at far more adult content than my husband does.  He’s not a prude but he’s also not as sensually oriented as I am.  It is what it is.)  Do you see guys bitching over the books that women read, the shows they like to watch, and all the distractions that they use for escapism?  Not usually huh.  She whines, ‘but I don’t look like those women, it gives them a false idea of what women should look like or want.’  It’s a fantasy babe.  I know you love your man but really, in most cases do you think if your guy walked up to a woman like that she’s going to just drop to her knees and worship him?  Yes guys, I know that’s how your best wet dream goes but even you know you’re not Hugh Hefner.  Then again, isn’t it flattering that your lady thinks so much of you that she believes the bombshell type couldn’t help but want you as much as she does?  Think about it, she may not say it but her actions are screaming that you’re a rock star in her eyes.  *winks*  Oh and ah, guys, women are very sexual, especially as she gets older.  Just think of yourself at 18 and how dynamic that awareness was for you.  It’s the same for her later on and if she doesn’t want sex that much it’s not that she isn’t sexual anymore, as you often tell yourself, it’s just very likely she doesn’t want sex with YOU!  There IS a difference.  The thing to remember about woman is that they don’t differentiate between what goes on outside the bedroom from what goes on in it.  The physical and the emotional are one and the same.  If there are issues in other parts of the relationship it’s going to affect the way she relates to you sexually as well.  If she’s gotten to that point then sadly, there is little a man can do to reverse that sentence.  Although, from my own conversations with some men there do seem to be those men who see sex as little more than a bodily function; something to be done casually at any time, anywhere with the currently available vessel that is little more than receptacle of the release. It may be more pleasurable than taking a piss but for some men it’s of little more impact to them than just that.  Ah the conquering male!  Those who subscribe to that kind of behavior don’t seem to realize that it’s equivalent to a small dog running around the neighborhood trying to mark territory.  It’s rather mindless and pathetic.  He loves the pursuit but after that…?  Yes, I know that sounds rather crass and base but there’s no other way of putting it to make it any prettier than what it is.  Not to say this is every man, it certainly isn’t but if by chance your woman feels any inkling that this same attitude is manifesting in your relationship it will wedge you apart permanently.  There’s plenty of blame to be spread to both men and women.  Even though he’s not the raging hormonal teen he is still a guy.  They are visual & physical.  Both men & women tend to get lazy as far as their creativity goes with each other in the bedroom.  Not surprising.  If they aren’t talking about it then they aren’t doing it!  Viagra – whoopee, you can pop a pill and get hard and she’s supposed to just fall all over you because you’ve got wood!  Right!  You’re so proud of that appendage, it’s what defines you as male, always has; at least in your mind.  Such a noble accomplishment that your body should function as it was meant to or that there’s a pill that can aid it to do so when the plumbing gets a kink.  Man logic - A hard cock equates to virility & power.  Sure caveman.  Mister, you better be packing more between your ears as between your legs if you’re going to stand a snowballs chance in hell.  I can tell you it’s not working for her and you’re going to be out of the game if that’s all you come swinging with.  Most of the Viagra, or other ED drugs being used, are being popped by guys who are too lazy to be creative.  Nothings wrong with the plumbing other than lack of enthusiasm.  Routine is death to anything that should be exciting!  Another point on Viagra…  The mere fact that this was the first drug of its kind to come out and that it came out for men tells you plenty right there!  Men can be sexually selfish at times, even before the advent of Viagra!  A really smart man would have invented the drug for women first, that is if women were yet allowed by society to be sexual beings in the first place…  Anyway, think about it guys, how hot would it be if your woman could take a pill that had her so hot she’d be all over you?  Talk about the gift that keeps on giving!  The pharmaceutical companies would make huge money because both men and women would be buying it up like tic tacs!  There are a lot of reasons why women lose interest.  It’s not because someone else has necessarily caught their fancy but more likely the relationship has taken enough of a toll that she’s finding her pleasure for herself either with a little bean time or maybe some hot sexting.  See, she’s going to be a sexual being whether you like it or not and with or without you.  Hey, being a long time writer of erotically explicit materials both publicly and privately I can tell you women love reading or writing some naughty prose and likely invented sexting!  (That and the hand held shower massage! *grins*)  You do notice that it goes on a lot but it’s just the guys who keep getting busted doing it?  She’s much cleverer in her pursuits I can guarantee you!  Oh and for the record.  I do NOT think sexting is cheating although it can be used as a gateway to that end obviously if it’s taken into reality.  Generally it’s just one of the many ways men and women interact socially.  It’s exciting, its fun, it’s also very eye opening.  You find out things about people you might not have guessed, including yourself!  Sexting is used differently by each person.  Though for me personally, it’s not something I neither do casually nor am I open to doing it with anyone just for the fun of it.  It’s private territory.  I have to have a hell of a connection with someone, which has taken place over time and is far more complex than just the physical attraction.  I require my muse.  *smiles*  But even this can be a painful reminder of what’s missing in your relationship/life, therefore adding to the feelings of frustration and isolation.  Yet another thing to want and not be able to have.

Mid-life crisis…  I hate this term.  If by chance you’ve managed to make it through all the rest to this point without having fixed the problems or baled sooner then I feel your pain.  The kids are grown; on their own or at least of an age where they damned well ought to be but might not be.  You’re finding yourself in the same house with what may be just short of a stranger; behaving more as room mates than a couple.  Living together but separated emotionally.  Not that you don’t care about one another, you’ve just come to the knowledge that it’s time to focus on yourself again.  Time is running out.  Maybe you’ve had some health concerns and are really beginning to feel your mortality.  You’ve done the family life, some of it was good, and some of it wasn’t.  Life isn’t a dress rehearsal, it’s here and now and there’s no more time to put things off for later because later may not come.  I don’t see this point in life as a crisis except to those who have become complacent and want no more than they have settled for.  Just how long and to what point do you sacrifice your desires, dreams and ideals to give someone else theirs?  How much is the ransom for self worth?  I suppose the question to pose over the whole of it is if you could go back and do it again, would you?  If the answer is no then it’s time to walk away.  If by chance you say that you would to a point but you’d change things so that they would be different then change them now.  If they can’t be changed then again you’re at a stalemate.  This is the place where I currently struggle, the questions I ponder most at the moment.  I think if I could change things I’d personally start my own cult, be the goddess of it and collect my own personal harem of men.  But that’s just me…  And what kind of person wants to be in a relationship where both are not living to their authentic self?  Who is this who’s closing their eyes to your needs and only allowing for their own?  These are the people who think divorces ‘come out of the blue.’  Again, they forget that there was more than one person in the relationship and perhaps the other wasn’t content, happy or fulfilled.  Come to think of it, it really is a statement of selfishness.  I was perfectly content to settle with things as they were but during the time when I really didn’t want to acknowledge anyone else or consider their part in this ‘shared experience’ someone else wasn’t any of the things they thought they were going to be by this point in their life.  So that must be the gist of the phrase ‘out of the blue.’ 

Listening to:  I Am Only One - We Are The Fallen

Friends

A lot has been going on in my life lately but I've told few exactly what it's been that's kept me quiet.  Earlier today a friend of mine caught me at a time when I felt like talking.  Of course he also made it easy by being so understanding.  There are a few things that we share in our individual life right now so perhaps that's why I was more open to talking to him about it.  We are only friends, no overtones of anything else to cloud or pollute this entirely honest & very revealing conversation.  I thought it was important to post this not only as a way of letting others who care about me know what is going on but also because its a true piece of reality that we all can relate to.  Haven't we all thought or even shared these very things, especially those of us in long term relationships.  If you ever want to know why things go astray, read the hearts of two on the edges of their own turning points...

Friend

I want to live somewhere warm!

Friend:

You ok mo?

♥Mo♥:

Just tired Friend, how are you?

Friend:

Ok thanks mo

Worst month of the year

And it's dragging

lol

♥Mo♥:

Amen Friend, I could sure use some sun therapy!

Friend:

Yes, a ll seems better when under the sun eh mo

♥Mo♥:

See, know I would be better able to deal with life if I lived where I had plenty of sun & heat. Must be a tropical person inside, don't do well in colder climate. Sorta like a plant I guess

Friend:

i am the same mo, i am really a positive person, but in winter, January mainly, my whole outlook is different, everything seems so damned pointless hehe

sun sun sun!!

♥Mo♥:

I think it's that during the winter there's just no release Friend, no way to escape all the bs like in the summer

Friend:

Agreed

♥Mo♥:

In the winter you're boxed in with it all, too close for comfort

No diversions

Dangerous place to be, alone with your thoughts too much

Friend:

Yes darlin, and i think people that feel and think a lot, can think themselves into darkness

♥Mo♥:

It’s always there Friend, perhaps those of us who live with it lurking crave the light even more

Friend:

yes mo, you are right, the trouble with me is, i promise myself I am going to do something about the misery of january, but then the sun arrives, and i forget how miserable i was,,until it's gone again, hehe.

but February is a short month mo,,,then spring is in the air

♥Mo♥:

Oh but Friend, think of what it must be like to live where the dark days of winter never really exist!

Wouldn’t that be awesome!

Friend:

Mo,, i would love it, and i would love it for you too

In Cyprus the sun shines nearly every day all year

♥Mo♥:

At this point though, think I might like doing that living thing on my own, that would be a new set of trials but that would have to be better than what I have right now

In New Mexico they say they have over 279 days of sun per year... oh how I'd love that

Friend:

Yes, and the water in the gulf is warm even in January, you would thrive mo

♥Mo♥:

Not Mexico Friend, New Mexico, the state next to Arizona, not quite as desserty in NM

I prefer to avoid hurricanes that hit in the gulf

Friend:

How far is that from where you are now mo?

lol, yes, hurricanes are BAD news

♥Mo♥:

Somewhere around 1500+ miles I think

Friend:

Wow! that's a trek

♥Mo♥:

Yes, it's in the SW portion of the US where as where I am now is NE

Friend:

So things aren't any better for you at home mo? you are not alone, lol.

♥Mo♥:

So it'd be a bishop move, nice diagonal

Friend:

lol!

♥Mo♥:

No Friend, not better at home & the man I've grown fond of is very busy with his job so I don't have that comfort either. Not that I'd ask

Have friends telling me I need to write about it, vent, but there are times when words just aren't the healing a soul needs you know

Friend:

Yes, i agree, words are powerful, but it has to lead to eventual actions, otherwise they become empty

Sometimes one needs something warm and real to cling to

♥Mo♥:

Its also bad when those that are there offer no comfort, only more emptiness

Friend:

It is, it feels like a type of punishment doesn't it mo

♥Mo♥:

Yes it does

Makes you question your choices as to why you remain
Friend:

Yes, i have those thoughts every day

It’s not living, more like existing at the moment

♥Mo♥:

Or trying to trudge through it... Not good when most feels like a struggle with little to no reward

We start to lose momentum

Friend:

Yes, and then get lost, and sink.

♥Mo♥:

Somehow Friend, we keep moving though, don't know why we keep hoping for more but somehow we do. Think we'll ever find it?

Friend:

Well, my friend is coming over March 17th mo, i will tell you how that goes when it happens, i am tired of going without affection, it ruins me.

Friend:

i am not sex mad by any standards, but there has to be some degree of physical contact and passion, life is empty without it

♥Mo♥:

I understand entirely & I hope it brings you what you need

I do hope that your path gets better lighting

Friend:

lol

lol!

♥Mo♥:

Just be prepared Friend, you risk a lot. I think that's why we both chose people at a distance, they were safer

but if they get close, we know where it must go and what we might lose

Friend:

I know, you are right, and i am worried

♥Mo♥:

You’d be insane not to be as well as a fool. I don't think you're either but I know your dilemma, I've thought of it too

Friend:

She has said to me she has no expectations other than to meet me, and be shown around and have fun

But who knows

Could be the worst, or best thing i have ever done

♥Mo♥:

Well, we're human Friend, not perfect. Never know what life is meant to bring us, all we can do is hope we get it right most of the time & learn when we get it wrong

Friend:

that’s about it mo, i cant help but wonder though, should we always settle for being discontent, just to avoid hurting others, should pursuit of ones own happiness always be last, i don't know.

♥Mo♥:

My special friend asked me the same question Friend. How often do we sacrifice our own happiness on behalf of others? When should we not & dare to think of ourselves. As I told him, that feels like the question I live asking myself every moment of my life & I've yet to come up with the answer but I still struggle with it

Friend:

I know that if i get to 80 years old, and I stay in the situating I am in right now until that day, I will be very sad and empty

♥Mo♥:

Then you're choice is already made Friend. The question is then how you walk away from that relationship.

♥Mo♥:

If you can truly say there is no chance that anything can be done to make it better then be done with it in more than just thought. That's where I am now. Working out how to move on if that is what I am going to do

As it stands is not acceptable

Friend:

that’s how i feel mo, but it is difficult isn't it

♥Mo♥:

Yes it is. very much so

♥Mo♥:

But then we weren't the ones who moved out of the relationship first were we

We just aren't content to live half a life

Friend:

That is exactly it mo x

Friend:

It was bearable going without contact for a long time, until I stopped trying myself, then something in me died

My mind is elsewhere now

I feel terrible that I have given up trying

But we can only all put so much in can't we mo

♥Mo♥:

Very true Friend, when all the effort is being made only on one side it wears us down

Friend:

Yes, and constant rejection, for whatever reason damned hurts, lol.

Then resentment sets in

♥Mo♥:

Yes, the rift grows till you only exist rather than living

Friend:

yes, you know mo as well, I’m the type that wants to be needed in a physical way, i am not interested in sex for self gratification just for the sake of it, if sex is offered out of duty, or it seems to be a chore, don't bother.

I work hard to be wanted, and I am all out, I am sure you know what I mean

♥Mo♥:

Yep, have shown hubby vids, dressed to be wanted, behaved to be wanted, shown him erotica & written it as well. Tried to get him involved where he could bring his own creativity but he is stuck in routine

Friend:

life sux mo,,lol,,i would so spoil and look after a woman like you, you would have everything i had to give, why on earth does this type of thing happen, why is my wife as cold as ice? why is your husband numb to what he has in you? I really want to know what it's all about, lol.

♥Mo♥:

Me too Friend, since I've been working my ass off to try & get ahead while my husband is content to do next to nothing. Just as I get something growing along comes some trouble to wipe it & me out. Literally! Example. I've been grabbing all the hours I can in a job that plays hell on my body & my eyes. My husband barely works 6 hours a week maybe. His pension covers just the basics

♥Mo♥:

He’s not motivated to do more & I can't live where everything is literally falling down around my head & be happy about it, especially when some is getting to be a hazard

♥Mo♥:

Just put a nice fat deposit in the bank & suddenly yesterday the truck needs a new battery cable, this morning the pilots are out on my furnace & water heater so I don't know what the hell is going on there....

it never ends & it really does feel like I'm being punished for living

Friend:

Baby,,,you deserve better, but you know that, you are being taken for granted, and it's very unfair.

♥Mo♥:

Life isn't fair Friend but it shouldn't be this damned hard either

♥Mo♥:

And it shouldn't be made harder by those who are supposed to love you

Friend:

Totally agree mo, the age we are now, it should be easier not harder than when we were younger, and in truth, that is part of my life that is ok, it makes it harder to leave for sure lol.

But to stay for a comfortable life isn't everything either I suppose, I don't know.

But what you have seems a bad deal all around mo

♥Mo♥:

Maybe I stay because somewhere I don't believe I deserve better. Maybe I haven't grown much from the child I was after all

Friend:

mo, what you deserve at the very least, is someone that puts you above all else, money comes and goes, we all know that, but if hubby has no work sometimes, then your home should be perfect and comfortable for you, that’s what i do, when i don’t earn, i work in the house, it's only right

♥Mo♥:

It may be what’s right Friend but it's not what I'm experiencing

Friend:

And to think you were still prepared to show love, even whilst struggling in other ways, you are an angel mo, i am sorry you are having things so hard

♥Mo♥:

Somewhere I guess I got this stupid idea that if you put out good things they come back to you... guess I forgot the one about bad things happening to good people none the less...

All I know is this is crushing me

Friend:

I can see why you feel crushed, you are being pushed and pulled in all ways, physically and emotionally you are not being looked after, and financially and comfort wise you are not being looked after, you are having to put far too much in, and getting very little out.

♥Mo♥:

& with my vision as it is, I can't even escape whether for a little bit or for good. So I feel caged with it

Little wonder I don't write about it, just another way of reliving what I don't want to be living in the first place

Friend:

yes, it's only therapy writing about something if it's behind you, certainly not whilst still living it.

♥Mo♥:

Besides, never cared for those who wrote to piss & moan, don't care to wallow in the negativity when all I want is a positive way to cope

Friend:

I agree, and your writing is always filled with optimism, you are a joy person really, just not experiencing much joy yourself at the moment.

♥Mo♥:

I definitely agree with that! You've been a dear, let me bend your ear for so long & cry on your shoulder. I do truly appreciate it more than you know

Friend:

i have told you before mo, anytime, you are welcome, drop me an e mail, and i will find you.

And you help me too, don't forget that

You are a voice of reason to me

♥Mo♥:

LOL, wish I was as good at being so with my own life hon. Funny how that works isn't it

Friend:

Yes, it is, lol.

♥Mo♥:

Well you are a blessed friend Friend, if I can help in any way I am more than happy to be there for you

Friend:

same mo, I had better go get some firewood before it's pitch dark, take care, and see you soon mo x x

♥Mo♥:

hugs & kisses back Friend, take care!

Friend:

xx

*EEB - Struggling (04-08-2009)

Dreams are the vacant delusions in which I try to escape the harsh ugliness of life. I find no solice there any longer. They are painful reminders of all that is missing. Hopes are nothing more than sadistic tormentors that disappear like deceptively bright clouds ripped to shreds by the cruel winds of reality when I get too near. Don’t tell me it could probably be worse, I’m learning to expect it soon will be.

*EEB - Life Synops - Part One (12-09-2008)

I have a friend who has been writing fantastic blogs for a while now, most of it is off the wall stuff that makes you laugh your ass off but then there are others where he lets you have a peek into his life and you realize that there’s actually something pretty amazing going on inside that hard sun baked Aussie head of his. He’s let me/us see the building blocks of what has made him the man he is and I’ve always felt that knowing those beginning steps that people have taken are the very best way to know a person and in turn learn something about the rest of the world. So because of you my dear friend Addy, I open a vein and bleed my own life onto the pages for those who care to take the time to really get to know me for outside fantasyland… Hugs B! (Ah, and also by his inspiration since this is a long tale to tell I’ll break it up in parts, plus I don’t have it all written yet – hey, I’m still living my life, don’t have freakin forever to sit down all the time and write about it! LOL)....
.. ..
Frame of reference - Date: 1897 ....
1: an arbitrary set of axes with reference to which the position or motion of something is described or physical laws are formulated ....
2: a set of ideas, conditions, or assumptions that determine how something will be approached, perceived, or understood.....
.. ..
I was first made aware of this concept via a teacher I’d had in elementary school as early as the second grade. The teacher explained that everything we experienced, every person, place; event that touched our life would mold the person that we came to be. I remember being fascinated with the premise that the things around me, both externally and internally, would have such an impact of who and what I was to become. I think this is where I first started looking at people as puzzles, ones that’s had to be solved in reverse. You couldn’t really know them till you could take them apart and find out what it had been that had created who they were. The phrase and concept has stayed with me and served me for four decades since I first heard it used. Of course my understanding of it has greatly expanded over that time period. It has helped me to understand not only those around me but in turn it has given me insight into myself that I might not have otherwise had. Isn’t it funny how relevant terms that speak specifically to our own self truth can stick with us even before we’re fully aware of their impact. Another that I heard that relates to the previous defined term is ‘there is no such thing as reality, there is only perception.’ Another connective light bulb moment. There is no truth, no fact, no concrete anything because we will always place our own frame of reference filter over the lens of how we perceive all that is around us. That truly is the very best analogy of what we are – a camera looking at life through a lens that has a multitude of colored filters and those filters enhance or distort what imprints on the film of who and what we are. No two people will have an exact frame of reference; they can be similar but never exact. We often make the assumption that if someone is similar to us that they should think as we do, process life as we do, conclude as we do but when they don’t we have a hard time understanding why. The simple fact is that they aren’t us and quite frankly, they don’t have to be. Here’s a ponderer for you - what is the ratio balance of how you are perceived by others; how much is dependent on what you put out there by comparison to how others perceive you through those filters I mentioned earlier? What responsibility do we hold in how others see us and at what point is it beyond our control and in the conception or misconception of others?....

I have found that we are fanatic story tellers. We see something and from our own frame of reference we fill in the facts as we believe they exist. Now this doesn’t make it accurate or inaccurate. Our experience and judgment does count for something. How many times have we met someone and thought them to be of a character that perhaps they don’t turn out to be in the long run. Does this mean we were entirely wrong about them? Perhaps not. It may instead have been that we perceive them to be what they ‘could’ be rather than what they actually are. This doesn’t make us wrong but perhaps they can’t see their own potential as we do. Or perhaps we close our eyes to the whole person so as to serve the purpose of making them less than they are. Reducing them in our eyes so as to justify our negativity regarding them. The problem comes when we make the choice to believe ONLY those areas that we’ve filled in without probing further for what might not be so easily seen. Sadly we too often take our fleshing out of the unknown as fact/reality. We are all guilty of it to some extent though there are some who absolutely swear that they ‘know’ all there is to know about a situation or person and that’s all they need to know after having done nothing more than make a world of assumptions. They’ve told themselves a story to explain why things are the way they are and no matter how fantastic or fabricated the story is they are so self absorbed that they believe if they think it then it has to be true when it may not even be on the same planet as the truth. Sometimes the story isn’t interesting enough for us to want to create or probe for more so we ignore it and go on our way. Other times we crave to probe, to learn more, to fill the blanks with the other person’s truths but that person shuts us out so we’re left with a sort of emptiness and longing that make us feel vulnerable and we’re afraid to speculate why the information isn’t forthcoming. We shy away from the snub because not to do so means that the other person sees us as one of those uninteresting ones that they’ve ignored and moved away from. We’ve all been on either side of that scenario at one time or another haven’t we? Wanting to know someone desperately or knowing that there is someone who wants to know us desperately. Neither are comfortable places to be yet we still place ourselves and others in that situation knowing what it feels like to be there. A rather Sadistic/masochistic coin is it not?....

It has long been my perception that if someone wants to know me then they’ll ask. I’ve never been a big volunteer of information about myself. I told myself that if someone REALLY cared they’d want to know more and therefore would ask. Well, this idea has gotten me a life with few people who know me at all because most people don’t ask. They again assume that their perception is fact and that’s all they need to know. I’ve decided to take back the power of my own story, my life by offering it up. Now talk about vulnerable! To write is to open a vein and bleed on the paper, at least when writing about one’s self. Perhaps that’s why I never before gave up the information readily, to do so was to give a part of myself that I protected from the outside. So why do it now. Because I want to. I want to make that connection with those who are open to it and the only way we can do that is to share our thoughts and experiences. This won’t be for everyone, it doesn’t have to be; but for those who can muster empathy, even compassion, then a door that once had been unseen is now open, a connection is made. To allow you entrance and to pave that path I must prepare the way by working at becoming more exhibitionistic about my life and my thoughts.....
.. ..
The best place to begin is the beginning… Pre-me… My mother, ‘Jean’, 16 year old high school girl in love with 18 year old Kenny… They were tragic lovers on the scale of Romeo and Juliet… Or at least they thought they were. As passionate about this brand new thing love that no one had ever experienced as they had. Well, they maneuvered themselves into somehow getting married at such young ages - thinking that playing house would be like some romance novel rather than the reality it was. She quit school, he went into the Army after he got out of high school, was stationed away from his young bride who went through most of her honeymoon induced pregnancy with the support of her mother, my wonderful grandmother (known as Katie to her friends). I was born 10 days before my mother’s 17th birthday. She was no more ready to be a mother than she had been to be a wife or an adult but she had my grandma, which was my salvation, at least for the short 13 years that I had her in my life. My father soon went his own way; due I’m told in great part, to the influence of his mother who never wanted the two together in the first place, not long after I was born. The last I remember seeing him was when I was 5 years old at his father’s funeral where he picked me up and cried. He still made the choice to step out of my life all the same. I don’t know where he may be or even if he still is alive. There are times when I wonder what my life might have been like if he’d been there, wondered if my battles with my mother might have been lessened and my life might have been happier. I wondered if he ever thought of me, remembered my birthday, wished he were a part of my life or even wished me well in my life without him. But then I may be better off for his being absent. I’ll never know and you can’t truly miss what you’ve never had can you… At least not entirely. ....

I do remember much of those very early years as being happy and being loved by the only person who at that time mattered most in my world, not my mother, but my grandmother. She was one of those rare souls who had the wisdom of ages, a heart that was open to all who needed it and extraordinary ability to make me feel that I was the most precious thing to ever set foot on this earth. My childhood in her home was like living in the Garden of Eden. Everything she ever touched flourished. My favorite place was the backyard. All along the fences there were peonies, small roses, poppies, morning glories and of course my snowball bush that I’d lay under when the tiny petals fell off so that I’d be covered in their soft snowy flakes. There had once been a small wading pool near the garage that was shaped as a giant’s foot with a small bridge built into the sidewalk at the arch of the foot. By the time I was growing up there it had been filled with dirt and in the larger side every year my grandmother planted it full of multi colored marigolds. In the heal side was one of the two apple trees in the back yard. The idea of ....Eden.... continued in that there were not only the two apple trees but there were also two different kinds of cherry trees, rhubarb and a very large grape arbor that formed an awning over the sidewalk before getting to the giant’s foot bridge. It truly felt magical. Her pride and glory though were her roses. There was a huge red rambler that grew beside the porch as well as on the other side against the house. Behind the porch which contained the swing that was always in use was her peace rose. They were gorgeous huge buttery yellow blossoms that were the envy of any who saw them. I remember when the roots from the rambler connected to those of the peace rose and caused the most amazing red streak through the yellow petals, as if they’d been smeared with blood but they were still beautiful. At the front of the house was the large porch where I spent so many hours on a hot summer afternoon. Oh and when it would rain there was nothing more peaceful for me than to go to sleep on the glider as the rain sheeted off the roof like curtains of water or thrill as the lightening split the sky and thunder shook the ground. Those days are why I still love rain storms so much, why they relax me so when they are downpours and excite me so when they create such a ruckus. It’s little wonder with this entire sensory stimulus that I grew up to so wholly appreciate the wonders of the sensuality of all the ways we take in the world around us. There was nothing my grandmother couldn’t do. I grew up watching her paint her own house, plant gardens every year, process most of our food for the winter, do her own carpentry, work on her own car, roof her own garage. She had a heart of gold. Every morning that I would get up while she was able I would walk into the kitchen where she was always sitting on her stool in the corner with her coffee and smokes. She’d immediately get up to hug me and ask how her girl was doing today. There was never a question I couldn’t ask her that she didn’t have an answer for. No mistake that I could make that would ever make her love me less. She did discipline me, even made me cut my own switch off one of those fruit trees if she deemed it to be my punishment but unlike my mother, who would actually laugh at my panicked pleading when she would spank me, my grandmother truly hated the deed. I also don’t believe that I was an unusually bad child but I specifically remember one time digging in the heel of the giants foot with Grandma and proudly piping up that I hadn’t been spanked that day to which my grandmother with a smile reminded me that the day wasn’t over yet! Most often I was trying to help. Looking back I’d say that it was the adults who got me in trouble most, not being clear or careful about what was being said around children. One prime example of that is when my uncle, who had his own room in the basement of grandma’s house, bought a Thunderbird but said that he didn’t like the color so he wanted to get it painted. I was all of four at this time and because I loved my uncle and wanted to help I proceeded to go out to the garage, find an old house painting brush, some white house paint and yes, did the deed all over the one side of the car I could reach. I proudly walked back to the house, covered in the paint myself and when they asked what I’d been doing to get paint all over me I told them I’d did his car for him! I then remember him tearing out the door and of course my getting into trouble yet again… *grins* Another of the multitude of tales that followed me through my life was that of when I was very small and I first noticed that there were people of different colors and asked her why. *smiles* Her answer to me remains with me to this day as an example of the kind of heart she held - “God made people like cookies ..Vicki.., some he just left in the oven a bit longer than others.” That’s just how she was; fair, open minded and generous with herself and her life. I can only hope that I am in some way a fraction of the woman she was… ....

This isn’t to say that I didn’t love my mother or want her attention and approval; it just wasn’t mine to ever have. I suppose I was a tangible reminder of her bad choices as well as the life she’d given up in favor of a tragic fairy tale. My mother had the gift of an amazing voice and might have easily had a career as an opera singer if she’d have followed the guidance of her vocal teacher but of course she was hell bent to do what she wanted because the young simply aren’t able to properly predict the outcome of their choices. She had my sister almost 4 years after I was born during a brief reconciliation with my father, my sister’s name is Debbie. Then mom married Bill, a man who had no interest in the two daughters that preceded the birth of his son, my brother Scott, five years younger than me. That marriage didn’t end any better or last any longer than her first had. Bill was equally as involved with Scott after the divorce as my father had been, not at all. Mom was great at always choosing the wrong men but at least Bill was the last one she actually married. So, except for a few months here and there we lived at my grandmother’s for the first 15 years of my life. ....

Mom had a natural talent for retail. She was fortunate in that she had mentors in the field who trained and guided her into a career that made her happy as a retail manager but it was more her life than we were. She spent long and varied hours working. I remember before I’d turned ten I strongly felt the need of her attention but she was never home and even when she was she wasn’t a maternal figure ever. I was such a sad lonely child where she was concerned. I remember being so desperate for her attention that I wrote her letters, put them in our mailbox because I was too afraid to approach her directly and just hoped that she’d talk to me about them. I’d see her bring them in, look at them but she never said a word, never even acknowledged they existed or I suppose that I did either. Needless to say my self value as an older child and teenager was non-existent. Hell, if the one person in my life who should value me didn’t then no one else could… For all the help my grandmother was to my mother I think mom was often jealous of the relationship that my grandmother and I had. They would get into arguments and mom would drag us out for one of those torturous rides in the car where she’d blow off steam by regaling us kids as to what her life could have been had she not had us. Mercifully my brother and sister were too young for these trips to stick in their memory but they were carved painfully deep into mine. The ride would always end the same, mom would drive by the children’s home, point it out and say, ‘That’s where you kids would be if it weren’t for your grandmother…’ Gee, can’t make a kid feel any less wanted could she? Yes, she was emotionally and verbally abusive and for me that was just the way she was. She was poisonously negative and seemed to feel better about her misery if she could make others/me in particular, just as unhappy as she always seemed to be. Mom gave my sister and brother hell as they got older too but in different ways. She drove my sister to be perfect and was damned cruel if Debbie didn’t measure up. Sadly my sister holds herself and others to that standard on her own today. My brother was forced to be the ‘man of the family’ which meant mom was up his ass and always in his business to the point where it was just un-natural and my brother HATED it. I often wonder if perhaps that had a hand in his being gay even though I do believe someone is born that way. I’m sure it didn’t help him to view women any better at any rate. Of course after living with her all those years after the fact I found it was little wonder our fathers had escaped and not looked back. We had no choice but to live with her, no one who could choose would have stayed. I was never really close to my sister but my brother is still my best friend even to this day. Whenever there were family fights it always paired off to myself and Scott against Mom and Debbie. My sister has grown to be much like her and even though she’d piss and moan about Mom behind her back as we were growing up she now sees her as some sort of saint. I think its guilt. Mom was fantastic at laying loads of that out on all of us. My brother left the state to join the air force to get away from her attention and control right after high school and has only come back to visit.....Got sidetracked – back to where I’d left off… The situation didn’t improve when my dear grandmother first had a heart attack while I was with her at the store when I was 12 or died when I was with her alone but for my brother and sister when I was 13… I can’t begin to tell you how hard that part of my life was. To see someone die is hard on anyone. To see the person you love most in your life die when you’re so young is just scarring. It’s still a painful memory… I can be pretty dispassionate in relating the other instances in my life, way too much heartache and tears spent on them already, but never about her. Grandma had come from a family of 13 and she’d had 7 of her own children so when she’d been alive there was always family nearby, cousins, aunts, uncles. But when she died the divisions that I’d not even had any idea existed were exposed so not only was she gone but the rest of the structure of my life crumbled along with her. The only light that ever shone in my life was then gone and I really was lost. I look back on it all now and as sad as it was I realize that none of us are promised some utopian existence. As a matter of fact from what I’ve learned from others there are very, very few who have something even close to what is portrayed as being ‘normal’ childhoods. We do what we can to take what we’re given and make sense with it. Hopefully we learn along the way and make better choices, or at least adjust our attitude to make it as pleasant or as unpleasant as we think we deserve. When Grandma died it became my responsibility at age 13 to do all that a mother would have done in our home for my brother and sister and our home while mom continued to escape life in the one place she found it easy to succeed. I had no choice in the matter, it had to be done, I was there and no one else was going to do it. Eventually the family sold Grandma’s house, much to my heartbreak, and we moved to a small town, the first time my mother had ever really been out on her own alone… Well, she really wasn’t because instead of grandma she now had me taking care of all the things she couldn’t bother with…....

*EEB - High School Reunion (08-30-2008)

What an odd evening we had last weekend! It's rare that I find myself in a situation that fills me with such a torrent of so many poignant emotions all at once.

It was the all class reunion for the high school my husband graduated from and I should have had we not moved out of the city after my freshman year. We had only found out it was to happen nine days before it took place but we'd looked at the web site the alumni had set up and I'd found that there would be people there that I'd gone to school with during my grade and middle school years that I hadn't seen in literally a lifetime so we decided to go, really looking forward to it as well.

Now let me add that all my life I have had more male friends than female. I do have female friends; I just get along with males too. They really aren't all that difficult a creature to understand as many women would want to portray. As long as you understand they are male, are meant to be male and don't have to be like females then you're good to go. (I personally prefer them to be whom and what they are because I absolutely don't believe females are the apex of perfection by any stretch of the imagination either. I've worked with them, it's a wonder men can ever stand them!) Anyway, in my youth I spent more hours tromping around wooded trails exploring the world, playing games, riding bikes with my guy pals than I could ever stomach playing store, board games or listening to music with my girl friends. (Dolls were strictly out, had no use for them) I'd seen on the roster of those planning to attend this reunion one of my best school pals. His name was Anthony and I remembered how it had broke my heart when his family had moved away when we were in the forth grade. As it happened I had run into him once for a few minutes not long after I'd gotten out of high school, the one I had moved to later. My brother and I had gone to my uncle's house to pick something up one night and I had waited in the car. While I sat there a guy my age had come from the house and asked if I'd remembered him. It was dark and by that time my eye disease had already stolen my night vision so I could see nothing more of him than as a darker shadow against the night. He didn't seem to mind that I didn't recognize him because he enthusiastically told me he was Anthony; we'd gone to school together. Of course I remembered him and I asked him how he was, what he'd been doing and the obvious, why was he here at my uncle's house. He was in the military, stationed in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Alaska and somehow in the course of life had met and married my distant cousin. They were there visiting with his father in law, who was closer to my uncle than he was to any of the rest of the immediate family. Anthony was getting ready to go back to Alaska with his new wife. He blurted out that he'd kept all the Valentine's Day cards that I'd given him that we'd all exchanged in elementary school and I was so surprised and flattered. Oh my dear readers, if you'd have known me then… I had no self worth, was so painfully shy and introverted… The fact that he'd remembered me no less saved anything from me was a concept I just couldn't perceive. My brother returned to the car and I had to give fast goodbyes and best wished but to this day I regret not having made sure I knew how to keep in contact with him before we'd left. I'd asked my uncle soon after if he had any contact information for Anthony but he hadn't. So I lost touch yet again. When I saw that he'd be attending the reunion I was excited that finally I'd get to talk to him again!

Good God what a fiasco it was! Oh yes, it was a huge turnout. So huge in fact that people filled and spilled out everywhere from the out of the way restaurant/bar. I saw some people I'd not seen in 30 years and we talked of old times and how things had gone for each other in our life. We saw people we remembered and were remembered by some who we didn't. "I don't remember" and "I do remember" were overly used phrases all the way around. Since my father, mother, aunts and uncles had all graduated from the same school there was an odd feeling of family because graduates were generational among many there and even though I'd been hoping to run into anyone who might have known my mother or father that never came to pass. We did meet one woman there who had graduated before either me or my husband but she wasn't there as much for herself as she was for her brother who had been killed. She said that she came to the reunions to hear stories of her brother from those who had known him. Both my husband and I had although his was more knowledge just by name. I told her that at one time I had a crush on her brother and that he had been a nice guy and he had for the most part. I told her that I'd met him when he was running around with some friends of mine riding trail and mini bikes in some of the trails that ran through some of the wooded areas around our neighborhood. As I said earlier, if there were trails to be explored I was often out in them. She was so happy to talk to someone who had known him that I didn't have the heart to tell her that what I remembered most about her brother was that he had been very aware of his good looks and what many other girls were willing to give him because of them but that when he was about 17 and I was 13 he'd once taken me for a ride back into the trails, stopped the mini-bike, tried his damnedest to get me to go further than I was willing to go beyond some kissing and petting, became angry that I didn't find him so irresistible then left me to walk back out of the trails when I'd refused to play his more than practiced game. No sense in tarnishing her obviously glowing memories. I really didn't think her brother had been a bad guy. He'd just been a young man being a young man and hitting the proverbial brick wall with me. *grins* I do understand her grieving though, I'm very close to my brother and if something were to happen to him I would be devastated.
While we were out walking about two groups of people had come up to us trying to place me amongst their memories. One group of guys all echoing the comment, 'You would have come out with me', yet they couldn't remember who I was but made it clear they'd like to now. As I said, I'd been very shy and introverted so I'm not really surprised by their not remembering me but then I hadn't been invisible so had they made the effort then to know a young girl who they'd made a point to over look then they would have known me now but since they'd not had the time for me then neither did I for them at this point. The other set was a group of obviously still very cliquish women. "You look so familiar to us but we can't place your name…" Again I explained that I had been very quiet and shy in school and I hadn't graduated with the class so perhaps that were the reason why. They, on the other hand, weren't familiar to me at all but then again, not surprising since I never was one for cliques. I had my friends but we hadn't gone through school all connected at the hip.
Through the chaos I did manage to get with my class for the pictures. Not everyone was there because the only way we had heard the announcement was that we'd been inside when it was made and none of the announcements had long been cut off to the outside revelers. It was already deep night so I'm not sure how the pictures will turn out but I did stand next to one woman I remembered immediately because she had been on of the tallest girls I'd known. Since it was so dark I wasn't able to recognize or even see anyone else. I kept thinking, I wonder if Anthony is standing within arms length and neither of us knows it… I'd been looking for him but I'd yet to find him.

There were many who didn't attend that I had really been hoping to find again and many who may have been there that we just missed among the throngs. (Even the organizers said that the next one will be in a much larger place) We met up with some old friends and talked of the past. It's funny how some events are so fresh in your mind it's like they just happened yesterday. Still others slowly walk into the light of memory after lurking in the shadows of remembrance and others are somehow pushed completely out of the hard drive of our minds for need of space for storage of more important matters. It's also amazing just how much most people change over a life. You somehow think that those you know in high school will retain at least most of their features so that you'd know them when they crossed your path again – believe me, they don't! Very few looked like they did then. It's just the normal cycle of life of course but fascinating to witness. We learned of the fates of some who were no longer with us, favorite teachers and classmates alike.The evening was winding down, at least for us, so we went inside for a while to watch the 'door prize' drawings. No winning for us and as much as I'd looked – no Anthony was ever found. We left for home. I spent that night as well as the next day flooded with all those emotions that I'd mentioned before - excitement, contemplation, sadness, surprise, happiness, nostalgia and disappointment. Perhaps one day I'll find Anthony again, perhaps not but I know that I certainly don't regret going to this reunion and hope to do so again with even better results next time!