Ass+u+me

I have someone in one of my circles on Google+ who happens to have a very lucrative business selling sex toys.  Today he made a statement on his stream that sort of threw me off balance a bit.  He said, “They say it’s important to know who your customer is, but do I really want to know who my customer is that buys the inflatable butt plug?” 

My reply was, “(name here) you probably already DO know the person who would buy this! Even for those we think we know we never really do down deep to their souls and souls hide lots of secrets we don't tell the world. So as I said, I'm betting you already do know them.” 

I started thinking about their statement, especially in light of how they make their living, and I got more put off with every path my mind traveled.  It struck me as a very ‘Rupert Murdock’ sort of attitude.  ‘I’ll sell them this product and gladly take their money but I wouldn’t associate personally with them knowing that they do business with me.’  A sort of moral judgment per sae but to who’s morality?  It’s a very narrow and unfair view of those who’s patronage they rely and capitalize on.  I’ve been on the internet for about 15 years & I’ve hung out in adult rooms, fetish rooms, as well as general interest rooms and I can tell you that the majority of the people who hang out in the more colorful places are just the same as all the rest of the ‘vanilla’ crowd, they are just a bit more open and expressive of that specific facet of their life.  As long as I’ve been around I’ve talked to a great many people on a great many subjects and I know that those who purchase & use sex toys are not ‘deviants’ or those who are socially questionable.  And for those who are ‘questionable’ they aren’t more or less so if they buy or use them.  They just simply are regardless of that fact.  I’m not saying that there aren’t deviants out there who do use them but just as every oak is a tree but every tree is not an oak, the same goes here.  Deviants may buy sex toys but not everyone who buys them is a deviant.

I suppose what bothered me the most about what he said was that it was a reflection of a way of thought that I find incredibly erroneous and virulent.  It’s a negative painting of a person’s character overall based on a single small facet of the whole of what makes them up.  Example: We had a teacher locally who was an exemplary educator, very well respected and liked by both colleagues and students, but it was found that he wrote erotic poetry under a pseudonym.  He never published anything where his students might find it, never wrote about any illegal sexual content and didn’t do his writing during working hours.  Yet he happened to tell someone who told someone who either had an axe to grind against him, probably jealousy, or was a prude who then ‘turned him in’ and he was fired!  The sentiment being, ‘They didn’t want someone with that kind of mentality teaching their children.’ WTF?!  Teachers are to be eunuchs or asexual now?  First and foremost, no one pays anyone enough money to be able to dictate what an individual does with their life outside the workplace.  Somehow that area is becoming more and more blurred, thus more and more dangerous to our personal freedoms.  I don’t know how the rest went after that but it’s certainly not the only case of its kind.  I’m hoping he sued, got damages and reimbursement for the lunacy he should never have had to endure and moved on to a place where minds weren’t as littered with pompous narrow minded ugliness. 

I’ve often wondered if there was a degree in which we are responsible for how others see or perceive us.  What portion is our responsibility to what is theirs because they are most certainly viewing us through their own filters.  At what point does our liability end and theirs begin?  Or perhaps the better question would be, why the hell aren’t more of us asking ourselves that question or even recognizing that this is a commonly practiced behavior?  My theory is that if we looked more closely at why we do the things we do and to what ends they bring us as well as all others affected we might not engage in more of the less than desired acts that we perpetrate one against the other.  We’ve gone from the adage of ‘think first, act later’ to just act out and not think at all.  Is this were the murder of common sense was committed?  Our thoughts are the same as our actions.  Intellect demands governors on action.  Not to restrain them but to direct them to their most productive end.  There is a need to examine why is it we come to the conclusions we do, see the filters that we see life through clearly so that we understand why we make the conclusions thus take the actions that we do.  I’d like to remind readers here that there is NO single person in this place or in this life that you can trust gives you absolute unerringly accurate information 100% of the time yet we believe, without question, what we tell ourselves…  Hmm, something wrong with that equation is there not? 

What I am entirely certain of is my G+ friend should be very aware that he has likely already been and will continue to be personally painted by the very same brush of misperception that he himself welds far too easily.

Out of the Blue…

I’d been thinking about writing this blog for a while and have decided that now is the time.  In the job that I do I get calls all day long so inexorably someone will volunteer personal information about their situations without prompting of any kind from me.  I have always been a listener so perhaps they either sense that or I have a voice that invites Aunt Agony confessions.  Either way there was a man who called for other purposes but then began to explain that he was flustered, after 26 years of marriage his wife divorced him ‘out of the blue’.  I have tons of compassion because I realize that he was in the middle of a major life changing event, that he couldn’t possibly predict all the consequences that were going to result from the incident.  But just because things were different, requiring him to make adjustments didn’t mean it was inevitably or conclusively going to be a negative in his life.  Different doesn’t equate to bad.  Even with all that empathy I couldn’t help feeling a bit annoyed because there is one thing I do know without a doubt; it did NOT happen ‘out of the blue.’  He may not have been paying attention, a possible root to the problem in the first place; he may have played ostrich sticking his head in the sand to deny that it was worse than he wanted to acknowledge that it was or perhaps he just took for granted.  Supposing that things had rolled along as they had for all that time so that momentum would invariably carry them through, but, it didn’t get there over night or happen ‘out of the blue.’  Please don’t think I’m singling men out here either.  Women play the same unrealistic mental mind fuck games with themselves as well.  Ah, the story teller syndrome…  More on that at another time.

I’ve decided, being that I’m living the situation now, to inform you of some facts based in reality, at least through my perception of it.  Isn’t that all any of us have anyway?

This did NOT happen out of the blue!!!  Paper is thin but it still has two sides.  There can be entirely different perspectives written on either side, sharing nothing in common but depending on the situation of the emotional instrument being used in writing, one side will make an impression and/or bleed onto the other side and it WILL be seen!  Acknowledgment is an entirely different beastie that most choose not to heed.  It’s more than just having blinders on, the only way it’s unexpected is if they’re totally dead to reality.  Did you know there is an employment test for awareness?  My husband has failed it.  There’s a shock!  I think there are some who need to be given that test BEFORE they get married and have to renew it every few years like a license!  Hmm, perhaps it should be posed as a course that starts in high school and advanced courses could be offered in college.  Just a thought…  *grins*

It actually starts to go wrong far BEFORE we get into those committed relationships.  No one gives us a guide on how to choose the person who will be our best relationship match when we first begin to dream of the person that we hope will share our life.  Those little ‘compatibility’ games we played in writing down each name with our own, crossing out the duplicate letters then doing the ‘love, hate, friendship, marriage’ thing with the remaining letters just don’t flippin work!  Even if we had a crystal ball we wouldn’t pay it any mind.  Our hearts and hormones have little to do with long term relationship forecasting!  If they did then they’d be about as accurate as weathermen!  The choices we make are based on a lot of factors; few that will carry over into the long haul. 

Attractiveness – Hey, we’re going sleep with them, maybe even reproduce with them, so we want them to be appealing, right?   What I’ve found here on the other side of youth is that those who are gorgeous young don’t usually stay that way.  Gee, imagine that!  Of course, those who weren’t so hot when they were young can turn into knock outs later on!  Gotta love the late bloomers!  But beauty is in the eye of the beholder isn’t it.  There are some fabulous physical beauties that are malignantly ugly to the core as there are precious stunning souls who are as ordinary as a blade of grass.  Where beauty is concerned, it’s something you really don’t find fact in as early as one might assume.  Real beauty is something that presents it’s self over time and has depth.  But when we’re young we don’t always know that. 

Compatibility – ok, so we think we know what we want when we’re young and know how to go about getting it.  What idiots we were!  Most of the time we didn’t have a clue other than we had our hearts set to that one person and one damned way or another we were going to have them!  God forbid it happened to be someone that our family didn’t approve of!  Again, from my own personal experience, let someone tell a teen what they can’t have and that’s just what they want.  Too many young couples have been driven into each others arms by way of ‘good intentions.’  Often the relationship is an escape; one preferable to what they’re moving away from - real or perceived.  We feed ourselves the fiction of what we want our life to be and then expect it to happen.  Some of us clumsily stagger along; little wonder the foundation was sandy rather than firm.  If goals are set and direction is employed then we find momentum but life is no perpetual motion machine.  Falling backwards is a hazard if efforts aren’t made to keep it going forward.  We can’t just love them, we have to really like the person we’re with; as they are rather than what we want them to be or plan to shape them into.  So much time and effort is wasted on power plays in the beginning.  I understand it stems from learning to live in new conditions with a person you are still getting to know but believe when I tell you that here is where patterns are set.  The scars to come are first cut.  Insidious shadows first creep.  Also be aware that when choosing someone you are subconsciously selecting someone who allows you to be what you think your role should be in that relationship.  A strong willed person is going to select a mild mannered person so that their own character can dominate.  Understand that well.  Somewhere down the line when you want to complain that your partner is weak or too pushy, remember that we teach people how to treat us as well as we pick our poisons.  We have just as much hand in our misery as our joys.  I also think that we tend to see others potential possibly more than they might see it themselves.  Just remember that potential is what they are capable of being, not necessarily what they want to or will be; attaining more is up to them, not you.  When relationships go bad we tend to beat ourselves up doubting our ability to judge character.  We turn it in on ourselves and get angry at the other who didn’t live up to our judgment.  Perhaps we aren’t wrong, perhaps we just hope for more than they are able to be for us.  The fit isn’t what it should have been for the best outcome.  As a general rule I have also noticed that there are those I call short termers and those who are long termers.  Short termers never stay in a relationship for more than a few years at the most at a time and usually they are shorter than that.  They sort of have relationship A.D.D.  These folks generally have unrealistic ideals of what a relationship should be as well as what the role the other person in it with them should be.  They tend to be a bit more self involved.  But to their favor they aren’t willing to waste time to put up with all the idiocy that some people can bring into the mix.  Long termers are in it for the long haul.  They work at it; they are too stubborn or stupid to give up.  They’re short fall is that they tend to tolerate a lot more than perhaps they should over time and usually invest far more than they can afford to lose should it fail.  They also tend to slant to the side of martyrdom.  The one thing for certain is that never the two shall mix successfully.  Next category to be aware of are those who are of words, those who are of action and the rare breed who can do both.  The ‘word’ person is going to talk a lot but not follow through often.  The ‘action’ person is going to do what needs doing for the most part but as they want because they aren’t willing to talk to get any other input but their own.  The magic equation is the one who can do both. 

Love – all we need is love…  Bullshit!  That fantasy works for teenagers and those in their early 20’s ONLY.  Ask anyone, male or female past the age of 35, whose real brain cells have kicked in if love is enough and they’ll laugh in your face.  A relationship is the fabric a couple weaves together.  It’s only as strong, as rich as what’s put into it.  Even the strongest and richest can become tattered if its not cared for properly.  Also know that there is no one in your life ever that you can love enough, cajole enough, push enough, wish enough, drag enough into doing or being anything more than they want to be.  The pain you might feel on their behalf is only going to be yours.  It won’t move them to your way of thinking, doing or being.

In the beginning it’s the little things, like a cancer cell, one mutation at a time.  Example:  She’s cleans the house but everyday you throw your dirty clothes on the floor rather than in the laundry hamper.  ‘Cleaning up in the home is her job!’ you might be thinking.  (There are a lot of stupid sexism ideals that rear their ugly heads in the beginning of relationships on both sides of the x/y fence)  Well let’s see, switch places here…  If you are working all day, every day and on call all the other hours you weren’t actually out there doing your thing and someone came behind you who intentionally countermines everything you’ve put your efforts into doing how might you feel?  Wouldn’t that feel like a personal attack to you?  Then why would you do this to someone you claim to love?  Have you ever noticed we tolerate more from strangers and extend more courtesy to them than we do to those we profess to care about?  How the hell does that possibly work to anything other than disaster in the end?  First thing that usually breaks in a relationship is that each person’s efforts get undermined and underappreciated by the other.  Besides, you’re an adult!  You are capable thus you have NO excuse.  You should want a clean home, money in the bank, a secure future, each others happiness too and be willing to invest small efforts to have those things.  Your life, your family and your home are where you showcase all the efforts you invest your time working towards.  Your home is your trophy case, illustrating what and whom you care for.  Taking care of things means you don’t have to replace them as often so that what you work so hard to earn can be used for other things you enjoy.  Having to continuously repeat an action that you’ve already done that is not part of routine maintenance is bad time management.  The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  Put the damn dirty clothes where they belong and she doesn’t bitch and you both get more time to do things you enjoy!  Why is that such a hard concept?  Again, ladies, you’re not off the hook either.  My biggest pet peeve about women is that they go into a relationship with the attitude that she really doesn’t like everything about him but she can mold him into what she wants him to be once they’re in a committed relationship.  If they have a track record of a particular behavior why the hell do you think you’re the magic key that turns it around?  Yep, in you’re mind you just that SPECIAL!!  I’ll call the short bus for ya…  Honey, if you don’t like him now or some of the things he does, you’re going to like him a hell of a lot less later because those things are going to drive you nuts as well as consistently get worse!  No matter how much you want him to do it like you would if you are stupid enough to forget he is NOT you, not like you and never will be then you only get what you deserve.  I’m not saying that you BOTH shouldn’t set a high standard but make it realistic with attainable steps in between, just realize that you each have priorities and they don’t always mesh.  Find his strengths, not his weaknesses and set him on those paths where he’ll find success and praise him so that he gets used to those ego strokes.  We all enjoy them and will go out of our way to earn them, even attempting things that may be out of our comfort zones!  Imagine that!  Never discourage him when he makes the effort even if it’s not to your liking because as soon as you do he’ll never try again and even more will be left to you to do.  And lastly, most importantly – never forget this is a man you are with.  If you want someone who acts like you then heterosexuality is not the right game for you.  Don’t try so hard to neuter him; you won’t like what you end up with in the end.  If you do when you need your man to stand up on his own two feet you’re going to find bit by bit you’ve removed everything from his waist down; crippling him to be what he should have been.  And stop trying to erase the evidence of him in the home!  So he has an ugly chair, picture, trophy that you think is tacky and you hate it!  Too bad!  He lives there too!  This is a good place to learn compromise and negotiation.  Look them up.  These are much better life skills to have over spoiled brat syndrome always wanting your way.  Besides, if you plan on having children you might as well introduce yourself to chaos slowly, what better way then through him!  *wink*  Let him have his friends and you keep yours.  You’re both going to need that network of support in your life.  Just because you are a couple doesn’t mean that you cease to be individuals.  You have to have experiences together as well as apart so that when you are together you’re able to bring things that are fresh, new and interesting to the unit.  As I’ve said in previous blogs, some of the best teachers we ever have in life are those who do it wrong because we get to see the results without having to experience them first hand.  Pay attention to what works and doesn’t work for others in your social circles.  Besides, isolating yourselves may be fun at first but in the end it’s another thing you’ll regret that will bite you in the ass later in your life together.

After the beginning, kids come along, work demands and life has settled into a pattern.  Things seem fine, alls going well and you’re content…  Not likely.  You’re just too distracted to deal with the gnawing annoyances.  You’ve stopped making time for yourself.  You start to examine your life.  You had plans, dreams and desires.  How does what you have compare to what you thought you’d have by this point?  It’s usually not very well.  It’s easier to adjust your ideals here at the midway point than it will be later on.  You’ve stopped making time for each other.  Sex is something you get through or just do to get out of the way more often than not.  It’s never as often or all that it should be.  Another thing I know for certain is that no one person can be all things to another person at all times and no matter how much you might want it to be different no one can will it into being otherwise.  That knowledge isn’t going to take away the feeling of isolation you’re beginning to feel in the relationship.  This is a dangerous time.  When couples stop reaching for each other to fulfill their needs yet if they aren’t fulfilled they will start to reach out to others.  At first it’s just support, some innocent flirtations, an ear, a shoulder, someone to make them feel desirable and allows them some bit of self indulgence.  In the beginning these things generally come from a variety of people.  They’re harmless then because there’s no ‘re-coupling’ going on.  It’s when the isolation goes deeper and the chasm between the two feels insurmountable that the unconscious search begins.  The connection is unraveling.  We tend to either feel vulnerable to re-coupling or a great desire to break away to independence.  We seek what’s missing.  If it’s gotten to this point it’s very likely communication is sporadic at best.  The things that really matter are being buried, internalized.  Again, this didn’t happen ‘out of the blue.’  She’s talked and he’s ignored her.  He’s struggled and she’s given him no credit.  He can’t understand why such things bother her; she can’t understand why those things don’t bother him.  If a relationship doesn’t progress and evolve as it goes along it can have no hope of survival.  Patterns and routine will kill any relationship regardless of who’s stuck in them.  So the cancer grows and goes deeper…

There’s a common complaint I hear from men, who have always loved talking to me about anything and everything but especially about their sexual prowess.  Surprise, surprise!  ‘We don’t have sex like we used to anymore.  She never wants it and if she does it’s boring.’  Now this is an area that varies from couple to couple but one thing that I have noticed that I find amazing is that people are willing to do things with and to each other that they’re terrified to talk about.  How strange is that?  My belief is that if you can’t say it out loud then you damned well shouldn’t be doing it!  You’re not mature enough yet!  When we’re younger its new, fun and something to explore together but even then we rarely ask for what we really want or need physically.  Then as we get older she’s wrapped up in everything except him because she’s managing the family, as is her nature, and he still wants the highly physical stimulation, as is his nature, they condemn each other for it!  He may have had or still has an interest in adult magazines or movies but some women feel personally offended by it.  I don’t get it.  (I happen to own and look at far more adult content than my husband does.  He’s not a prude but he’s also not as sensually oriented as I am.  It is what it is.)  Do you see guys bitching over the books that women read, the shows they like to watch, and all the distractions that they use for escapism?  Not usually huh.  She whines, ‘but I don’t look like those women, it gives them a false idea of what women should look like or want.’  It’s a fantasy babe.  I know you love your man but really, in most cases do you think if your guy walked up to a woman like that she’s going to just drop to her knees and worship him?  Yes guys, I know that’s how your best wet dream goes but even you know you’re not Hugh Hefner.  Then again, isn’t it flattering that your lady thinks so much of you that she believes the bombshell type couldn’t help but want you as much as she does?  Think about it, she may not say it but her actions are screaming that you’re a rock star in her eyes.  *winks*  Oh and ah, guys, women are very sexual, especially as she gets older.  Just think of yourself at 18 and how dynamic that awareness was for you.  It’s the same for her later on and if she doesn’t want sex that much it’s not that she isn’t sexual anymore, as you often tell yourself, it’s just very likely she doesn’t want sex with YOU!  There IS a difference.  The thing to remember about woman is that they don’t differentiate between what goes on outside the bedroom from what goes on in it.  The physical and the emotional are one and the same.  If there are issues in other parts of the relationship it’s going to affect the way she relates to you sexually as well.  If she’s gotten to that point then sadly, there is little a man can do to reverse that sentence.  Although, from my own conversations with some men there do seem to be those men who see sex as little more than a bodily function; something to be done casually at any time, anywhere with the currently available vessel that is little more than receptacle of the release. It may be more pleasurable than taking a piss but for some men it’s of little more impact to them than just that.  Ah the conquering male!  Those who subscribe to that kind of behavior don’t seem to realize that it’s equivalent to a small dog running around the neighborhood trying to mark territory.  It’s rather mindless and pathetic.  He loves the pursuit but after that…?  Yes, I know that sounds rather crass and base but there’s no other way of putting it to make it any prettier than what it is.  Not to say this is every man, it certainly isn’t but if by chance your woman feels any inkling that this same attitude is manifesting in your relationship it will wedge you apart permanently.  There’s plenty of blame to be spread to both men and women.  Even though he’s not the raging hormonal teen he is still a guy.  They are visual & physical.  Both men & women tend to get lazy as far as their creativity goes with each other in the bedroom.  Not surprising.  If they aren’t talking about it then they aren’t doing it!  Viagra – whoopee, you can pop a pill and get hard and she’s supposed to just fall all over you because you’ve got wood!  Right!  You’re so proud of that appendage, it’s what defines you as male, always has; at least in your mind.  Such a noble accomplishment that your body should function as it was meant to or that there’s a pill that can aid it to do so when the plumbing gets a kink.  Man logic - A hard cock equates to virility & power.  Sure caveman.  Mister, you better be packing more between your ears as between your legs if you’re going to stand a snowballs chance in hell.  I can tell you it’s not working for her and you’re going to be out of the game if that’s all you come swinging with.  Most of the Viagra, or other ED drugs being used, are being popped by guys who are too lazy to be creative.  Nothings wrong with the plumbing other than lack of enthusiasm.  Routine is death to anything that should be exciting!  Another point on Viagra…  The mere fact that this was the first drug of its kind to come out and that it came out for men tells you plenty right there!  Men can be sexually selfish at times, even before the advent of Viagra!  A really smart man would have invented the drug for women first, that is if women were yet allowed by society to be sexual beings in the first place…  Anyway, think about it guys, how hot would it be if your woman could take a pill that had her so hot she’d be all over you?  Talk about the gift that keeps on giving!  The pharmaceutical companies would make huge money because both men and women would be buying it up like tic tacs!  There are a lot of reasons why women lose interest.  It’s not because someone else has necessarily caught their fancy but more likely the relationship has taken enough of a toll that she’s finding her pleasure for herself either with a little bean time or maybe some hot sexting.  See, she’s going to be a sexual being whether you like it or not and with or without you.  Hey, being a long time writer of erotically explicit materials both publicly and privately I can tell you women love reading or writing some naughty prose and likely invented sexting!  (That and the hand held shower massage! *grins*)  You do notice that it goes on a lot but it’s just the guys who keep getting busted doing it?  She’s much cleverer in her pursuits I can guarantee you!  Oh and for the record.  I do NOT think sexting is cheating although it can be used as a gateway to that end obviously if it’s taken into reality.  Generally it’s just one of the many ways men and women interact socially.  It’s exciting, its fun, it’s also very eye opening.  You find out things about people you might not have guessed, including yourself!  Sexting is used differently by each person.  Though for me personally, it’s not something I neither do casually nor am I open to doing it with anyone just for the fun of it.  It’s private territory.  I have to have a hell of a connection with someone, which has taken place over time and is far more complex than just the physical attraction.  I require my muse.  *smiles*  But even this can be a painful reminder of what’s missing in your relationship/life, therefore adding to the feelings of frustration and isolation.  Yet another thing to want and not be able to have.

Mid-life crisis…  I hate this term.  If by chance you’ve managed to make it through all the rest to this point without having fixed the problems or baled sooner then I feel your pain.  The kids are grown; on their own or at least of an age where they damned well ought to be but might not be.  You’re finding yourself in the same house with what may be just short of a stranger; behaving more as room mates than a couple.  Living together but separated emotionally.  Not that you don’t care about one another, you’ve just come to the knowledge that it’s time to focus on yourself again.  Time is running out.  Maybe you’ve had some health concerns and are really beginning to feel your mortality.  You’ve done the family life, some of it was good, and some of it wasn’t.  Life isn’t a dress rehearsal, it’s here and now and there’s no more time to put things off for later because later may not come.  I don’t see this point in life as a crisis except to those who have become complacent and want no more than they have settled for.  Just how long and to what point do you sacrifice your desires, dreams and ideals to give someone else theirs?  How much is the ransom for self worth?  I suppose the question to pose over the whole of it is if you could go back and do it again, would you?  If the answer is no then it’s time to walk away.  If by chance you say that you would to a point but you’d change things so that they would be different then change them now.  If they can’t be changed then again you’re at a stalemate.  This is the place where I currently struggle, the questions I ponder most at the moment.  I think if I could change things I’d personally start my own cult, be the goddess of it and collect my own personal harem of men.  But that’s just me…  And what kind of person wants to be in a relationship where both are not living to their authentic self?  Who is this who’s closing their eyes to your needs and only allowing for their own?  These are the people who think divorces ‘come out of the blue.’  Again, they forget that there was more than one person in the relationship and perhaps the other wasn’t content, happy or fulfilled.  Come to think of it, it really is a statement of selfishness.  I was perfectly content to settle with things as they were but during the time when I really didn’t want to acknowledge anyone else or consider their part in this ‘shared experience’ someone else wasn’t any of the things they thought they were going to be by this point in their life.  So that must be the gist of the phrase ‘out of the blue.’ 

Listening to:  I Am Only One - We Are The Fallen

*EEB - Life Synops - Part One (12-09-2008)

I have a friend who has been writing fantastic blogs for a while now, most of it is off the wall stuff that makes you laugh your ass off but then there are others where he lets you have a peek into his life and you realize that there’s actually something pretty amazing going on inside that hard sun baked Aussie head of his. He’s let me/us see the building blocks of what has made him the man he is and I’ve always felt that knowing those beginning steps that people have taken are the very best way to know a person and in turn learn something about the rest of the world. So because of you my dear friend Addy, I open a vein and bleed my own life onto the pages for those who care to take the time to really get to know me for outside fantasyland… Hugs B! (Ah, and also by his inspiration since this is a long tale to tell I’ll break it up in parts, plus I don’t have it all written yet – hey, I’m still living my life, don’t have freakin forever to sit down all the time and write about it! LOL)....
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Frame of reference - Date: 1897 ....
1: an arbitrary set of axes with reference to which the position or motion of something is described or physical laws are formulated ....
2: a set of ideas, conditions, or assumptions that determine how something will be approached, perceived, or understood.....
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I was first made aware of this concept via a teacher I’d had in elementary school as early as the second grade. The teacher explained that everything we experienced, every person, place; event that touched our life would mold the person that we came to be. I remember being fascinated with the premise that the things around me, both externally and internally, would have such an impact of who and what I was to become. I think this is where I first started looking at people as puzzles, ones that’s had to be solved in reverse. You couldn’t really know them till you could take them apart and find out what it had been that had created who they were. The phrase and concept has stayed with me and served me for four decades since I first heard it used. Of course my understanding of it has greatly expanded over that time period. It has helped me to understand not only those around me but in turn it has given me insight into myself that I might not have otherwise had. Isn’t it funny how relevant terms that speak specifically to our own self truth can stick with us even before we’re fully aware of their impact. Another that I heard that relates to the previous defined term is ‘there is no such thing as reality, there is only perception.’ Another connective light bulb moment. There is no truth, no fact, no concrete anything because we will always place our own frame of reference filter over the lens of how we perceive all that is around us. That truly is the very best analogy of what we are – a camera looking at life through a lens that has a multitude of colored filters and those filters enhance or distort what imprints on the film of who and what we are. No two people will have an exact frame of reference; they can be similar but never exact. We often make the assumption that if someone is similar to us that they should think as we do, process life as we do, conclude as we do but when they don’t we have a hard time understanding why. The simple fact is that they aren’t us and quite frankly, they don’t have to be. Here’s a ponderer for you - what is the ratio balance of how you are perceived by others; how much is dependent on what you put out there by comparison to how others perceive you through those filters I mentioned earlier? What responsibility do we hold in how others see us and at what point is it beyond our control and in the conception or misconception of others?....

I have found that we are fanatic story tellers. We see something and from our own frame of reference we fill in the facts as we believe they exist. Now this doesn’t make it accurate or inaccurate. Our experience and judgment does count for something. How many times have we met someone and thought them to be of a character that perhaps they don’t turn out to be in the long run. Does this mean we were entirely wrong about them? Perhaps not. It may instead have been that we perceive them to be what they ‘could’ be rather than what they actually are. This doesn’t make us wrong but perhaps they can’t see their own potential as we do. Or perhaps we close our eyes to the whole person so as to serve the purpose of making them less than they are. Reducing them in our eyes so as to justify our negativity regarding them. The problem comes when we make the choice to believe ONLY those areas that we’ve filled in without probing further for what might not be so easily seen. Sadly we too often take our fleshing out of the unknown as fact/reality. We are all guilty of it to some extent though there are some who absolutely swear that they ‘know’ all there is to know about a situation or person and that’s all they need to know after having done nothing more than make a world of assumptions. They’ve told themselves a story to explain why things are the way they are and no matter how fantastic or fabricated the story is they are so self absorbed that they believe if they think it then it has to be true when it may not even be on the same planet as the truth. Sometimes the story isn’t interesting enough for us to want to create or probe for more so we ignore it and go on our way. Other times we crave to probe, to learn more, to fill the blanks with the other person’s truths but that person shuts us out so we’re left with a sort of emptiness and longing that make us feel vulnerable and we’re afraid to speculate why the information isn’t forthcoming. We shy away from the snub because not to do so means that the other person sees us as one of those uninteresting ones that they’ve ignored and moved away from. We’ve all been on either side of that scenario at one time or another haven’t we? Wanting to know someone desperately or knowing that there is someone who wants to know us desperately. Neither are comfortable places to be yet we still place ourselves and others in that situation knowing what it feels like to be there. A rather Sadistic/masochistic coin is it not?....

It has long been my perception that if someone wants to know me then they’ll ask. I’ve never been a big volunteer of information about myself. I told myself that if someone REALLY cared they’d want to know more and therefore would ask. Well, this idea has gotten me a life with few people who know me at all because most people don’t ask. They again assume that their perception is fact and that’s all they need to know. I’ve decided to take back the power of my own story, my life by offering it up. Now talk about vulnerable! To write is to open a vein and bleed on the paper, at least when writing about one’s self. Perhaps that’s why I never before gave up the information readily, to do so was to give a part of myself that I protected from the outside. So why do it now. Because I want to. I want to make that connection with those who are open to it and the only way we can do that is to share our thoughts and experiences. This won’t be for everyone, it doesn’t have to be; but for those who can muster empathy, even compassion, then a door that once had been unseen is now open, a connection is made. To allow you entrance and to pave that path I must prepare the way by working at becoming more exhibitionistic about my life and my thoughts.....
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The best place to begin is the beginning… Pre-me… My mother, ‘Jean’, 16 year old high school girl in love with 18 year old Kenny… They were tragic lovers on the scale of Romeo and Juliet… Or at least they thought they were. As passionate about this brand new thing love that no one had ever experienced as they had. Well, they maneuvered themselves into somehow getting married at such young ages - thinking that playing house would be like some romance novel rather than the reality it was. She quit school, he went into the Army after he got out of high school, was stationed away from his young bride who went through most of her honeymoon induced pregnancy with the support of her mother, my wonderful grandmother (known as Katie to her friends). I was born 10 days before my mother’s 17th birthday. She was no more ready to be a mother than she had been to be a wife or an adult but she had my grandma, which was my salvation, at least for the short 13 years that I had her in my life. My father soon went his own way; due I’m told in great part, to the influence of his mother who never wanted the two together in the first place, not long after I was born. The last I remember seeing him was when I was 5 years old at his father’s funeral where he picked me up and cried. He still made the choice to step out of my life all the same. I don’t know where he may be or even if he still is alive. There are times when I wonder what my life might have been like if he’d been there, wondered if my battles with my mother might have been lessened and my life might have been happier. I wondered if he ever thought of me, remembered my birthday, wished he were a part of my life or even wished me well in my life without him. But then I may be better off for his being absent. I’ll never know and you can’t truly miss what you’ve never had can you… At least not entirely. ....

I do remember much of those very early years as being happy and being loved by the only person who at that time mattered most in my world, not my mother, but my grandmother. She was one of those rare souls who had the wisdom of ages, a heart that was open to all who needed it and extraordinary ability to make me feel that I was the most precious thing to ever set foot on this earth. My childhood in her home was like living in the Garden of Eden. Everything she ever touched flourished. My favorite place was the backyard. All along the fences there were peonies, small roses, poppies, morning glories and of course my snowball bush that I’d lay under when the tiny petals fell off so that I’d be covered in their soft snowy flakes. There had once been a small wading pool near the garage that was shaped as a giant’s foot with a small bridge built into the sidewalk at the arch of the foot. By the time I was growing up there it had been filled with dirt and in the larger side every year my grandmother planted it full of multi colored marigolds. In the heal side was one of the two apple trees in the back yard. The idea of ....Eden.... continued in that there were not only the two apple trees but there were also two different kinds of cherry trees, rhubarb and a very large grape arbor that formed an awning over the sidewalk before getting to the giant’s foot bridge. It truly felt magical. Her pride and glory though were her roses. There was a huge red rambler that grew beside the porch as well as on the other side against the house. Behind the porch which contained the swing that was always in use was her peace rose. They were gorgeous huge buttery yellow blossoms that were the envy of any who saw them. I remember when the roots from the rambler connected to those of the peace rose and caused the most amazing red streak through the yellow petals, as if they’d been smeared with blood but they were still beautiful. At the front of the house was the large porch where I spent so many hours on a hot summer afternoon. Oh and when it would rain there was nothing more peaceful for me than to go to sleep on the glider as the rain sheeted off the roof like curtains of water or thrill as the lightening split the sky and thunder shook the ground. Those days are why I still love rain storms so much, why they relax me so when they are downpours and excite me so when they create such a ruckus. It’s little wonder with this entire sensory stimulus that I grew up to so wholly appreciate the wonders of the sensuality of all the ways we take in the world around us. There was nothing my grandmother couldn’t do. I grew up watching her paint her own house, plant gardens every year, process most of our food for the winter, do her own carpentry, work on her own car, roof her own garage. She had a heart of gold. Every morning that I would get up while she was able I would walk into the kitchen where she was always sitting on her stool in the corner with her coffee and smokes. She’d immediately get up to hug me and ask how her girl was doing today. There was never a question I couldn’t ask her that she didn’t have an answer for. No mistake that I could make that would ever make her love me less. She did discipline me, even made me cut my own switch off one of those fruit trees if she deemed it to be my punishment but unlike my mother, who would actually laugh at my panicked pleading when she would spank me, my grandmother truly hated the deed. I also don’t believe that I was an unusually bad child but I specifically remember one time digging in the heel of the giants foot with Grandma and proudly piping up that I hadn’t been spanked that day to which my grandmother with a smile reminded me that the day wasn’t over yet! Most often I was trying to help. Looking back I’d say that it was the adults who got me in trouble most, not being clear or careful about what was being said around children. One prime example of that is when my uncle, who had his own room in the basement of grandma’s house, bought a Thunderbird but said that he didn’t like the color so he wanted to get it painted. I was all of four at this time and because I loved my uncle and wanted to help I proceeded to go out to the garage, find an old house painting brush, some white house paint and yes, did the deed all over the one side of the car I could reach. I proudly walked back to the house, covered in the paint myself and when they asked what I’d been doing to get paint all over me I told them I’d did his car for him! I then remember him tearing out the door and of course my getting into trouble yet again… *grins* Another of the multitude of tales that followed me through my life was that of when I was very small and I first noticed that there were people of different colors and asked her why. *smiles* Her answer to me remains with me to this day as an example of the kind of heart she held - “God made people like cookies ..Vicki.., some he just left in the oven a bit longer than others.” That’s just how she was; fair, open minded and generous with herself and her life. I can only hope that I am in some way a fraction of the woman she was… ....

This isn’t to say that I didn’t love my mother or want her attention and approval; it just wasn’t mine to ever have. I suppose I was a tangible reminder of her bad choices as well as the life she’d given up in favor of a tragic fairy tale. My mother had the gift of an amazing voice and might have easily had a career as an opera singer if she’d have followed the guidance of her vocal teacher but of course she was hell bent to do what she wanted because the young simply aren’t able to properly predict the outcome of their choices. She had my sister almost 4 years after I was born during a brief reconciliation with my father, my sister’s name is Debbie. Then mom married Bill, a man who had no interest in the two daughters that preceded the birth of his son, my brother Scott, five years younger than me. That marriage didn’t end any better or last any longer than her first had. Bill was equally as involved with Scott after the divorce as my father had been, not at all. Mom was great at always choosing the wrong men but at least Bill was the last one she actually married. So, except for a few months here and there we lived at my grandmother’s for the first 15 years of my life. ....

Mom had a natural talent for retail. She was fortunate in that she had mentors in the field who trained and guided her into a career that made her happy as a retail manager but it was more her life than we were. She spent long and varied hours working. I remember before I’d turned ten I strongly felt the need of her attention but she was never home and even when she was she wasn’t a maternal figure ever. I was such a sad lonely child where she was concerned. I remember being so desperate for her attention that I wrote her letters, put them in our mailbox because I was too afraid to approach her directly and just hoped that she’d talk to me about them. I’d see her bring them in, look at them but she never said a word, never even acknowledged they existed or I suppose that I did either. Needless to say my self value as an older child and teenager was non-existent. Hell, if the one person in my life who should value me didn’t then no one else could… For all the help my grandmother was to my mother I think mom was often jealous of the relationship that my grandmother and I had. They would get into arguments and mom would drag us out for one of those torturous rides in the car where she’d blow off steam by regaling us kids as to what her life could have been had she not had us. Mercifully my brother and sister were too young for these trips to stick in their memory but they were carved painfully deep into mine. The ride would always end the same, mom would drive by the children’s home, point it out and say, ‘That’s where you kids would be if it weren’t for your grandmother…’ Gee, can’t make a kid feel any less wanted could she? Yes, she was emotionally and verbally abusive and for me that was just the way she was. She was poisonously negative and seemed to feel better about her misery if she could make others/me in particular, just as unhappy as she always seemed to be. Mom gave my sister and brother hell as they got older too but in different ways. She drove my sister to be perfect and was damned cruel if Debbie didn’t measure up. Sadly my sister holds herself and others to that standard on her own today. My brother was forced to be the ‘man of the family’ which meant mom was up his ass and always in his business to the point where it was just un-natural and my brother HATED it. I often wonder if perhaps that had a hand in his being gay even though I do believe someone is born that way. I’m sure it didn’t help him to view women any better at any rate. Of course after living with her all those years after the fact I found it was little wonder our fathers had escaped and not looked back. We had no choice but to live with her, no one who could choose would have stayed. I was never really close to my sister but my brother is still my best friend even to this day. Whenever there were family fights it always paired off to myself and Scott against Mom and Debbie. My sister has grown to be much like her and even though she’d piss and moan about Mom behind her back as we were growing up she now sees her as some sort of saint. I think its guilt. Mom was fantastic at laying loads of that out on all of us. My brother left the state to join the air force to get away from her attention and control right after high school and has only come back to visit.....Got sidetracked – back to where I’d left off… The situation didn’t improve when my dear grandmother first had a heart attack while I was with her at the store when I was 12 or died when I was with her alone but for my brother and sister when I was 13… I can’t begin to tell you how hard that part of my life was. To see someone die is hard on anyone. To see the person you love most in your life die when you’re so young is just scarring. It’s still a painful memory… I can be pretty dispassionate in relating the other instances in my life, way too much heartache and tears spent on them already, but never about her. Grandma had come from a family of 13 and she’d had 7 of her own children so when she’d been alive there was always family nearby, cousins, aunts, uncles. But when she died the divisions that I’d not even had any idea existed were exposed so not only was she gone but the rest of the structure of my life crumbled along with her. The only light that ever shone in my life was then gone and I really was lost. I look back on it all now and as sad as it was I realize that none of us are promised some utopian existence. As a matter of fact from what I’ve learned from others there are very, very few who have something even close to what is portrayed as being ‘normal’ childhoods. We do what we can to take what we’re given and make sense with it. Hopefully we learn along the way and make better choices, or at least adjust our attitude to make it as pleasant or as unpleasant as we think we deserve. When Grandma died it became my responsibility at age 13 to do all that a mother would have done in our home for my brother and sister and our home while mom continued to escape life in the one place she found it easy to succeed. I had no choice in the matter, it had to be done, I was there and no one else was going to do it. Eventually the family sold Grandma’s house, much to my heartbreak, and we moved to a small town, the first time my mother had ever really been out on her own alone… Well, she really wasn’t because instead of grandma she now had me taking care of all the things she couldn’t bother with…....

*EEB - A Question of Karma (01-23-2008)

I hope all who have decided to share their time by stopping by to read this had wonderful holidays and are enjoying the beginning of a promising new year! I had the unexpected pleasure of having my brother come up for the holiday. Between him and my sister I found myself the recipient of the truest spirit of the season. Sometimes family can prove just why blood is a stronger bond than any other. *smiles* ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Unfortunately I awoke the day after Christmas to find that my computer had died. No matter how many times I tried to start it up it just refused to obey! Ah, but no worries – this chica is a strong believer in extended warranties for computers! So I stripped it of all the multiple peripherals and off to the store we go! Now if I hadn't had access to the other computer in the house that my husband and son use I'd have gone mad because it took nearly a month to get mine back. A new motherboard and CD Rom drive later and the most tedious and damnable of tasks to hook the thing all back up and I'm back up and running! Took me three hours just to get everything back up to date, scanned and readjusted to my settings again. Sometimes they are the most miraculous of machines and at others they can be the undoing of a sane person's hold on their hair follicles!
On with the subject of this entry… I'd not been online till New Years day, I just don't care much for using a computer that isn't my own so even though I had access to the other computer I just didn't use it much. When I got online I went to the chat room that I don't get to visit often but have gone to for nearly ten years now and instantly got a pm from someone who I know asking me if I'd heard the news about a friend of mine named Jille. Now I met Jille through the room but we'd met and become friends with in real time too. Well of course I hadn't heard so she informs me that she'd heard Jille had a stroke. My first concern was for Jille but I also needed confirmation of this news because this person and Jille aren't at all best buds by any stretch of the imagination so I didn't really trust that she knew what she was talking about. It was too early to call Jille's husband Randy so I PMed another friend from the room to ask for the news. Yes, it was true, she'd had a very severe stroke the Saturday before New Years… Then she went on to apologize for adding more bad news but by the way did you hear that another regular to the room, Hooter - who many cared a good deal for, had been killed in a trucking accident two days before Christmas? NO!!! All I could think was please God, not again! The new year the year before had seen the tragic loss of one of our rooms beloved soldiers, killed in Fallujah while locating mines. Here was another year starting just as heartbreakingly. All I could do was sit there and cry. When it got to be a time that I felt comfortable calling her husband I did so. He gave me all the details and I promised we'd be up in a couple days to see her.
The first time we saw her it broke my heart. She is such a strong willed stubborn cuss. *smile* And I say that with nothing but absolute love. She's known for often saying what others perhaps wouldn't and not saying perhaps what she should. You know exactly what you get with her. Many either love her or hate her and if you can tolerate her tendency to brutal opinionating then you can't help but to love her. To those she dislikes she does so passionately but she has also been known to change her mind about a rare few. When she loves you she does so with all her heart and let me tell you she has one very big heart. *grins* Even if you don't always like everything she may do you allow her to be herself. At least I do. My feeling about anyone is that as adults we answer for our own actions and we stand alone in our responsibilities for the most part. She's made more friends than foes but just like her friends, her foes feel their emotions for her just as strongly. There were some who came to the room who'd not been there in a while simply to gloat over her misfortune; a form of callousness I can't fathom. It took only a short time for the news of her condition to be deemed off limits in the room due to those few who would use it to their own nasty delights. You may wonder where this is going but I had to explain her personality to eventually get to the point of this story down the road a bit further…
The second time we went to see her she was MUCH worse. It was very touch and go for a couple days but eventually the medical profession put their expensive degrees to work and resolved the issues. Now she's on a very good road to recovery I am very pleased to say. *smiles*
During the time when things we bad another regular from the room and close friend of hers came to visit her as well. We were both there when we started talking about the news of the man who'd died, Hooter… Imagine my horror and shock when she told me that it was a ruse. That some of Hooter's friends had called his place of employment to get information to set up a memorial fund only to be told this 'person' was perfectly fine, they'd just seen him and he was perfectly healthy… A memory flared and I remembered a conversation we'd once had in the room when he'd come in fuming because something had happened. What he said stuck with me because it had just seemed so odd. He said that he's almost decided to just fall off the face of the earth, he'd done it before and he'd do it again but for right that second he'd decided not to. I asked him what he was talking about. He told me he'd disappeared before and if he didn't want people finding him they wouldn't. Now the saddest part of this story is that his wife was in on this trick. I don't know if she had been in the room before but she'd made a point of seeking solace and planting information in the room to make it all believable. How sick is that? Someone even set up one of those online memorial pages so that friends can leave messages. The funny thing was that there was no birth date or other personal information about him, just his name. Of course that was closed down because it was a freebie and payment to keep it going hadn't been made. No obituary, no report about any accident, absolutely nothing in a world that is so geared to information that all you have to do is Google a name to find tens of thousands of results… NOTHING! What is the content of a man, or lack of it, which could do such a thing to others emotions?
Now we come to Karma… Another regular from the room PMed me to talk about Jille. Previous to this PM someone had told me that this room regular had said what she was about to repeat to me and at that time I'd refused to believe this person PMing would be so cold. One of the first things she types is that she knows that Jille is my friend but that Jille had this stroke because karma is catching up to her… Wow, so much for empathy. Yes, I knew they didn't get along but in such a situation if you can't scratch up some compassion for another human being who is suffering or even for the suffering of those who love her how can we expect to find any given to us when we need it? Isn't the truest state of compassion not that which we can give freely to those we love but that which we can to those we don't? Which is exactly the question I posed to her. She went on to tell me that Jille had made her miserable to which I told her that people only have the power over you that YOU give them. It takes two people to argue, if you refuse to respond the result is the other person just looks ridiculous. She praised my good heartedness but I couldn't help but think that I hope that karma judges us less cruel than others might wish it to. In speaking to another friend about our MIA trucker I remarked that I would be scared to death of putting those kinds of ripples in the water of karma to come back to me as a tidal wave later…I do believe that what we put out comes back to us which is why I do my best to put out that which I want to be returned. I'm not perfect or saintly but I really do make a concentrated effort. But then I began to wonder at the impressions that we leave with others. What percentage of that is our responsibility compared to how we're perceived through the filters that are forged to the positive or negative that colors the acuity in another's view? From where does our karma come? Who deserves a harsher judgment and do we have the right to make suggestions, do two wrongs ever make it right? Is someone else to blame for our misery or is it solely our own for allowing another that condition of power over us? Or better still, should we tread lightly while covering our own heads/asses and pray for mercy. As with all things I'm sure I'm looking for a single answer where a myriad of them exist. Or perhaps I'm more naïve than I'd like to believe because I'm perfectly aware that for as much as we want to believe that people think, feel, process and live by the same ideals that we do they simply don't. That doesn't make someone who doesn't mirror us right or wrong, just makes them someone who's not us. I still insist on believing in the best of people in spite of themselves. I feel that if you look for a monster that's what you'll find and if you look for good you'll find that too. Perhaps that's why for all I know of the human heart I can still be saddened when I find one that's turned cold. Karma comes for all of us everyday and perhaps we should be looking over our own shoulder instead of wondering or hoping for what's behind someone else's…

*EEB - Hey Mike (02-06-2006)

Earlier Edition Post***

Thursday February 16 2006
Hey Mike - Your Loss...
Current mood: amused
Category: MySpace

For all of 10 minutes earlier I was royally pissed. I'm over it now but I'm still a bit astounded, though I'm not quite sure why. I had a man, "Mike" send me a friend request. I always read over the profile of the person before I accept or deny the request. He seemed like a nice guy, we had a few things in common, certain music, books, etc, all very innocuous, so I agreed to accept his request and sent him a message saying that we had so much in common that it was actually kind of scary. I thought, being that we had these same interests that he might be someone I could get to really know as a friend rather than as just another one of the popularity seekers that usually abound here so in that message I also asked him if he might be interested in knowing the "real" me. Yes, I have another persona out here in cyber space, imagine that! This one here is the sensual but superficial one. *wink* Anyway, he writes back and says sure and asks am I being courted by anyone. I answer that I'm an old boring married lady and that all I'm looking for or offering is friendship, nothing more but if he was looking for friends I was open for that. He writes back slamming my ass for being on cyber space at all. If I was really happy then why was I looking…? The same thing happened with his wife and that's why now they were divorced! I was now persona non grata! Adios! And the ass blocked me! OK, not that he meant a thing to me but I find it incredibly juvenile to throw out your verbal garbage and then not stand up and be responsible for the trash you've thrown so here you go Mike. I may not be able to tell you directly so let's just share with the rest of MySpace so they can hear what you should have if you'd been man enough to. (Oh, for those who might be curious, and ladies, you might want to stay clear, he has serious issues, this is him by the way - http://www.myspace.com/apacheangel007 ) The message I sent you that won't get through said this…

Gee Mike,
Apparently you sent a friends request and didn't bother to read my profile. I'm NOT looking for anything other than friends, the platonic kind, male and FEMALE. I've been married for nearly 22 years to my best friend of 30 and there's not a soul out there worth touching what I've built here at home. So keep your assumptions dear. I understand you were burned but I'm certainly not the one or the kind who did it. Seems to me I made it very clear that I was only offering friendship but perhaps you're one of those who hold the misconception that men and women can't exist on that plain. How sad for you. I was just responding because you liked Josh Groban, Harry Potter, storms, etc. too, You've had the opportunity to see the stars from I place I never will and I was curious what that was like given that I'm losing my sight have never been able to see them all that well... So dear, you've done me a favor, you're not worthy of my time and certainly not of my friendship. Happy life to you one day though you might want to lose some of your bitterness first...

Mo

Then real life entered and I forgot about… what was his name? *wink*