Out of the Blue…
I’d been thinking about writing this blog for a while and
have decided that now is the time. In
the job that I do I get calls all day long so inexorably someone will volunteer
personal information about their situations without prompting of any kind from
me. I have always been a listener so
perhaps they either sense that or I have a voice that invites Aunt Agony
confessions. Either way there was a man
who called for other purposes but then began to explain that he was flustered,
after 26 years of marriage his wife divorced him ‘out of the blue’. I have tons of compassion because I realize
that he was in the middle of a major life changing event, that he couldn’t
possibly predict all the consequences that were going to result from the incident. But just because things were different,
requiring him to make adjustments didn’t mean it was inevitably or conclusively
going to be a negative in his life.
Different doesn’t equate to bad. Even
with all that empathy I couldn’t help feeling a bit annoyed because there is one
thing I do know without a doubt; it did NOT
happen ‘out of the blue.’ He may not
have been paying attention, a possible root to the problem in the first place;
he may have played ostrich sticking his head in the sand to deny that it was
worse than he wanted to acknowledge that it was or perhaps he just took for
granted. Supposing that things had
rolled along as they had for all that time so that momentum would invariably carry
them through, but, it didn’t get there over night or happen ‘out of the
blue.’ Please don’t think I’m singling
men out here either. Women play the same
unrealistic mental mind fuck games with themselves as well. Ah, the story teller syndrome… More on that at another time.
I’ve decided, being that I’m living the situation now, to
inform you of some facts based in reality, at least through my perception of
it. Isn’t that all any of us have anyway?
This did NOT happen out of the blue!!! Paper is thin but it still has two
sides. There can be entirely different
perspectives written on either side, sharing nothing in common but depending on
the situation of the emotional instrument being used in writing, one side will make
an impression and/or bleed onto the other side and it WILL be seen! Acknowledgment is an entirely different
beastie that most choose not to heed.
It’s more than just having blinders on, the only way it’s unexpected is
if they’re totally dead to reality. Did
you know there is an employment test for awareness? My husband has failed it. There’s a shock! I think there are some who need to be given
that test BEFORE they get married and have to renew it every few years like a
license! Hmm, perhaps it should be posed
as a course that starts in high school and advanced courses could be offered in
college. Just a thought… *grins*
It actually starts to go wrong far BEFORE we get into those
committed relationships. No one gives us
a guide on how to choose the person who will be our best relationship match
when we first begin to dream of the person that we hope will share our
life. Those little ‘compatibility’ games
we played in writing down each name with our own, crossing out the duplicate
letters then doing the ‘love, hate, friendship, marriage’ thing with the
remaining letters just don’t flippin work!
Even if we had a crystal ball we wouldn’t pay it any mind. Our hearts and hormones have little to do
with long term relationship forecasting!
If they did then they’d be about as accurate as weathermen! The choices we make are based on a lot of
factors; few that will carry over into the long haul.
Attractiveness – Hey, we’re going sleep with them, maybe
even reproduce with them, so we want them to be appealing, right? What I’ve found here on the other side of
youth is that those who are gorgeous young don’t usually stay that way. Gee, imagine that! Of course, those who weren’t so hot when they
were young can turn into knock outs later on!
Gotta love the late bloomers! But
beauty is in the eye of the beholder isn’t it.
There are some fabulous physical beauties that are malignantly ugly to
the core as there are precious stunning souls who are as ordinary as a blade of
grass. Where beauty is concerned, it’s
something you really don’t find fact in as early as one might assume. Real beauty is something that presents it’s
self over time and has depth. But when
we’re young we don’t always know that.
Compatibility – ok, so we think we know what we want when
we’re young and know how to go about getting it. What idiots we were! Most of the time we didn’t have a clue other
than we had our hearts set to that one person and one damned way or another we
were going to have them! God forbid it
happened to be someone that our family didn’t approve of! Again, from my own personal experience, let
someone tell a teen what they can’t have and that’s just what they want. Too many young couples have been driven into
each others arms by way of ‘good intentions.’
Often the relationship is an escape; one preferable to what they’re
moving away from - real or perceived. We
feed ourselves the fiction of what we want our life to be and then expect it to
happen. Some of us clumsily stagger along;
little wonder the foundation was sandy rather than firm. If goals are set and direction is employed
then we find momentum but life is no perpetual motion machine. Falling backwards is a hazard if efforts
aren’t made to keep it going forward. We
can’t just love them, we have to really like the person we’re with; as they are
rather than what we want them to be or plan to shape them into. So much time and effort is wasted on power
plays in the beginning. I understand it
stems from learning to live in new conditions with a person you are still
getting to know but believe when I tell you that here is where patterns are
set. The scars to come are first
cut. Insidious shadows first creep. Also be aware that when choosing someone you
are subconsciously selecting someone who allows you to be what you think your
role should be in that relationship. A
strong willed person is going to select a mild mannered person so that their
own character can dominate. Understand
that well. Somewhere down the line when
you want to complain that your partner is weak or too pushy, remember that we
teach people how to treat us as well as we pick our poisons. We have just as much hand in our misery as
our joys. I also think that we tend to
see others potential possibly more than they might see it themselves. Just remember that potential is what they are
capable of being, not necessarily what they want to or will be; attaining more
is up to them, not you. When
relationships go bad we tend to beat ourselves up doubting our ability to judge
character. We turn it in on ourselves
and get angry at the other who didn’t live up to our judgment. Perhaps we aren’t wrong, perhaps we just hope
for more than they are able to be for us.
The fit isn’t what it should have been for the best outcome. As a general rule I have also noticed that
there are those I call short termers and those who are long termers. Short termers never stay in a relationship
for more than a few years at the most at a time and usually they are shorter
than that. They sort of have
relationship A.D.D. These folks
generally have unrealistic ideals of what a relationship should be as well as
what the role the other person in it with them should be. They tend to be a bit more self
involved. But to their favor they aren’t
willing to waste time to put up with all the idiocy that some people can bring
into the mix. Long termers are in it for
the long haul. They work at it; they are
too stubborn or stupid to give up.
They’re short fall is that they tend to tolerate a lot more than perhaps
they should over time and usually invest far more than they can afford to lose
should it fail. They also tend to slant
to the side of martyrdom. The one thing
for certain is that never the two shall mix successfully. Next category to be aware of are those who
are of words, those who are of action and the rare breed who can do both. The ‘word’ person is going to talk a lot but
not follow through often. The ‘action’
person is going to do what needs doing for the most part but as they want
because they aren’t willing to talk to get any other input but their own. The magic equation is the one who can do
both.
Love – all we need is love…
Bullshit! That fantasy works for
teenagers and those in their early 20’s ONLY.
Ask anyone, male or female past the age of 35, whose real brain cells
have kicked in if love is enough and they’ll laugh in your face. A relationship is the fabric a couple weaves
together. It’s only as strong, as rich
as what’s put into it. Even the strongest
and richest can become tattered if its not cared for properly. Also know that there is no one in your life
ever that you can love enough, cajole enough, push enough, wish enough, drag
enough into doing or being anything more than they want to be. The pain you might feel on their behalf is
only going to be yours. It won’t move
them to your way of thinking, doing or being.
In the beginning it’s the little things, like a cancer cell,
one mutation at a time. Example: She’s cleans the house but everyday you throw
your dirty clothes on the floor rather than in the laundry hamper. ‘Cleaning up in the home is her job!’ you
might be thinking. (There are a lot of
stupid sexism ideals that rear their ugly heads in the beginning of
relationships on both sides of the x/y fence)
Well let’s see, switch places here…
If you are working all day, every day and on call all the other hours
you weren’t actually out there doing your thing and someone came behind you who
intentionally countermines everything you’ve put your efforts into doing how
might you feel? Wouldn’t that feel like
a personal attack to you? Then why would
you do this to someone you claim to love?
Have you ever noticed we tolerate more from strangers and extend more
courtesy to them than we do to those we profess to care about? How the hell does that possibly work to
anything other than disaster in the end? First thing that usually breaks in a
relationship is that each person’s efforts get undermined and underappreciated
by the other. Besides, you’re an
adult! You are capable thus you have NO
excuse. You should want a clean home,
money in the bank, a secure future, each others happiness too and be willing to
invest small efforts to have those things.
Your life, your family and your home are where you showcase all the
efforts you invest your time working towards.
Your home is your trophy case, illustrating what and whom you care
for. Taking care of things means you
don’t have to replace them as often so that what you work so hard to earn can
be used for other things you enjoy.
Having to continuously repeat an action that you’ve already done that is
not part of routine maintenance is bad time management. The shortest distance between two points is a
straight line. Put the damn dirty
clothes where they belong and she doesn’t bitch and you both get more time to
do things you enjoy! Why is that such a
hard concept? Again, ladies, you’re not
off the hook either. My biggest pet
peeve about women is that they go into a relationship with the attitude that
she really doesn’t like everything about him but she can mold him into what she
wants him to be once they’re in a committed relationship. If they have a track record of a particular
behavior why the hell do you think you’re the magic key that turns it
around? Yep, in you’re mind you just
that SPECIAL!! I’ll call the short bus
for ya… Honey, if you don’t like him now
or some of the things he does, you’re going to like him a hell of a lot less
later because those things are going to drive you nuts as well as consistently
get worse! No matter how much you want
him to do it like you would if you are stupid enough to forget he is NOT you,
not like you and never will be then you only get what you deserve. I’m not saying that you BOTH shouldn’t set a high
standard but make it realistic with attainable steps in between, just realize
that you each have priorities and they don’t always mesh. Find his strengths, not his weaknesses and
set him on those paths where he’ll find success and praise him so that he gets
used to those ego strokes. We all enjoy
them and will go out of our way to earn them, even attempting things that may
be out of our comfort zones! Imagine
that! Never discourage him when he makes
the effort even if it’s not to your liking because as soon as you do he’ll
never try again and even more will be left to you to do. And lastly, most importantly – never forget
this is a man you are with. If you want
someone who acts like you then heterosexuality is not the right game for
you. Don’t try so hard to neuter him;
you won’t like what you end up with in the end.
If you do when you need your man to stand up on his own two feet you’re
going to find bit by bit you’ve removed everything from his waist down;
crippling him to be what he should have been.
And stop trying to erase the evidence of him in the home! So he has an ugly chair, picture, trophy that
you think is tacky and you hate it! Too
bad! He lives there too! This is a good place to learn compromise and
negotiation. Look them up. These are much better life skills to have
over spoiled brat syndrome always wanting your way. Besides, if you plan on having children you
might as well introduce yourself to chaos slowly, what better way then through
him! *wink* Let him have his friends and you keep
yours. You’re both going to need that
network of support in your life. Just
because you are a couple doesn’t mean that you cease to be individuals. You have to have experiences together as well
as apart so that when you are together you’re able to bring things that are
fresh, new and interesting to the unit.
As I’ve said in previous blogs, some of the best teachers we ever have
in life are those who do it wrong because we get to see the results without
having to experience them first hand.
Pay attention to what works and doesn’t work for others in your social circles. Besides, isolating yourselves may be fun at
first but in the end it’s another thing you’ll regret that will bite you in the
ass later in your life together.
After the beginning, kids come along, work demands and life
has settled into a pattern. Things seem
fine, alls going well and you’re content…
Not likely. You’re just too
distracted to deal with the gnawing annoyances.
You’ve stopped making time for yourself.
You start to examine your life.
You had plans, dreams and desires.
How does what you have compare to what you thought you’d have by this
point? It’s usually not very well. It’s easier to adjust your ideals here at the
midway point than it will be later on. You’ve
stopped making time for each other. Sex
is something you get through or just do to get out of the way more often than
not. It’s never as often or all that it
should be. Another thing I know for
certain is that no one person can be all things to another person at all times
and no matter how much you might want it to be different no one can will it
into being otherwise. That knowledge
isn’t going to take away the feeling of isolation you’re beginning to feel in
the relationship. This is a dangerous
time. When couples stop reaching for
each other to fulfill their needs yet if they aren’t fulfilled they will start
to reach out to others. At first it’s
just support, some innocent flirtations, an ear, a shoulder, someone to make
them feel desirable and allows them some bit of self indulgence. In the beginning these things generally come
from a variety of people. They’re
harmless then because there’s no ‘re-coupling’ going on. It’s when the isolation goes deeper and the
chasm between the two feels insurmountable that the unconscious search
begins. The connection is
unraveling. We tend to either feel
vulnerable to re-coupling or a great desire to break away to independence. We seek what’s missing. If it’s gotten to this point it’s very likely
communication is sporadic at best. The
things that really matter are being buried, internalized. Again, this didn’t happen ‘out of the
blue.’ She’s talked and he’s ignored
her. He’s struggled and she’s given him
no credit. He can’t understand why such
things bother her; she can’t understand why those things don’t bother him. If a relationship doesn’t progress and evolve
as it goes along it can have no hope of survival. Patterns and routine will kill any
relationship regardless of who’s stuck in them.
So the cancer grows and goes deeper…
There’s a common complaint I hear from men, who have always
loved talking to me about anything and everything but especially about their
sexual prowess. Surprise, surprise! ‘We don’t have sex like we used to
anymore. She never wants it and if she
does it’s boring.’ Now this is an area
that varies from couple to couple but one thing that I have noticed that I find
amazing is that people are willing to do things with and to each other that
they’re terrified to talk about. How
strange is that? My belief is that if
you can’t say it out loud then you damned well shouldn’t be doing it! You’re not mature enough yet! When we’re younger its new, fun and something
to explore together but even then we rarely ask for what we really want or need
physically. Then as we get older she’s
wrapped up in everything except him because she’s managing the family, as is
her nature, and he still wants the highly physical stimulation, as is his
nature, they condemn each other for it! He
may have had or still has an interest in adult magazines or movies but some
women feel personally offended by it. I
don’t get it. (I happen to own and look
at far more adult content than my husband does.
He’s not a prude but he’s also not as sensually oriented as I am. It is what it is.) Do you see guys bitching over the books that
women read, the shows they like to watch, and all the distractions that they
use for escapism? Not usually huh. She whines, ‘but I don’t look like those
women, it gives them a false idea of what women should look like or want.’ It’s a fantasy babe. I know you love your man but really, in most
cases do you think if your guy walked up to a woman like that she’s going to
just drop to her knees and worship him?
Yes guys, I know that’s how your best wet dream goes but even you know
you’re not Hugh Hefner. Then again,
isn’t it flattering that your lady thinks so much of you that she believes the
bombshell type couldn’t help but want you as much as she does? Think about it, she may not say it but her
actions are screaming that you’re a rock star in her eyes. *winks*
Oh and ah, guys, women are very sexual, especially as she gets
older. Just think of yourself at 18 and
how dynamic that awareness was for you.
It’s the same for her later on and if she doesn’t want sex that much
it’s not that she isn’t sexual anymore, as you often tell yourself, it’s just
very likely she doesn’t want sex with YOU!
There IS a difference. The thing
to remember about woman is that they don’t differentiate between what goes on
outside the bedroom from what goes on in it.
The physical and the emotional are one and the same. If there are issues in other parts of the
relationship it’s going to affect the way she relates to you sexually as
well. If she’s gotten to that point then
sadly, there is little a man can do to reverse that sentence. Although, from my own conversations with some
men there do seem to be those men who see sex as little more than a bodily
function; something to be done casually at any time, anywhere with the
currently available vessel that is little more than receptacle of the release.
It may be more pleasurable than taking a piss but for some men it’s of little
more impact to them than just that. Ah
the conquering male! Those who subscribe
to that kind of behavior don’t seem to realize that it’s equivalent to a small
dog running around the neighborhood trying to mark territory. It’s rather mindless and pathetic. He loves the pursuit but after that…? Yes, I know that sounds rather crass and base
but there’s no other way of putting it to make it any prettier than what it
is. Not to say this is every man, it
certainly isn’t but if by chance your woman feels any inkling that this same
attitude is manifesting in your relationship it will wedge you apart
permanently. There’s plenty of blame to
be spread to both men and women. Even
though he’s not the raging hormonal teen he is still a guy. They are visual & physical. Both men & women tend to get lazy as far
as their creativity goes with each other in the bedroom. Not surprising. If they aren’t talking about it then they
aren’t doing it! Viagra – whoopee, you
can pop a pill and get hard and she’s supposed to just fall all over you because
you’ve got wood! Right! You’re so proud of that appendage, it’s what
defines you as male, always has; at least in your mind. Such a noble accomplishment that your body
should function as it was meant to or that there’s a pill that can aid it to do
so when the plumbing gets a kink. Man
logic - A hard cock equates to virility & power. Sure caveman.
Mister, you better be packing more between your ears as between your
legs if you’re going to stand a snowballs chance in hell. I can tell you it’s not working for her and
you’re going to be out of the game if that’s all you come swinging with. Most of the Viagra, or other ED drugs being
used, are being popped by guys who are too lazy to be creative. Nothings wrong with the plumbing other than
lack of enthusiasm. Routine is death to
anything that should be exciting! Another
point on Viagra… The mere fact that this
was the first drug of its kind to come out and that it came out for men tells
you plenty right there! Men can be
sexually selfish at times, even before the advent of Viagra! A really smart man would have invented the
drug for women first, that is if women were yet allowed by society to be sexual
beings in the first place… Anyway, think
about it guys, how hot would it be if your woman could take a pill that had her
so hot she’d be all over you? Talk about
the gift that keeps on giving! The
pharmaceutical companies would make huge money because both men and women would
be buying it up like tic tacs! There are
a lot of reasons why women lose interest.
It’s not because someone else has necessarily caught their fancy but
more likely the relationship has taken enough of a toll that she’s finding her
pleasure for herself either with a little bean time or maybe some hot
sexting. See, she’s going to be a sexual
being whether you like it or not and with or without you. Hey, being a long time writer of erotically
explicit materials both publicly and privately I can tell you women love
reading or writing some naughty prose and likely invented sexting! (That and the hand held shower massage!
*grins*) You do notice that it goes on a
lot but it’s just the guys who keep getting busted doing it? She’s much cleverer in her pursuits I can
guarantee you! Oh and for the
record. I do NOT think sexting is
cheating although it can be used as a gateway to that end obviously if it’s
taken into reality. Generally it’s just
one of the many ways men and women interact socially. It’s exciting, its fun, it’s also very eye
opening. You find out things about
people you might not have guessed, including yourself! Sexting is used differently by each person. Though for me personally, it’s not something I
neither do casually nor am I open to doing it with anyone just for the fun of
it. It’s private territory. I have to have a hell of a connection with
someone, which has taken place over time and is far more complex than just the
physical attraction. I require my muse. *smiles*
But even this can be a painful reminder of what’s missing in your
relationship/life, therefore adding to the feelings of frustration and
isolation. Yet another thing to want and
not be able to have.
Mid-life crisis… I
hate this term. If by chance you’ve
managed to make it through all the rest to this point without having fixed the
problems or baled sooner then I feel your pain.
The kids are grown; on their own or at least of an age where they damned
well ought to be but might not be. You’re
finding yourself in the same house with what may be just short of a stranger; behaving
more as room mates than a couple. Living
together but separated emotionally. Not
that you don’t care about one another, you’ve just come to the knowledge that
it’s time to focus on yourself again.
Time is running out. Maybe you’ve
had some health concerns and are really beginning to feel your mortality. You’ve done the family life, some of it was
good, and some of it wasn’t. Life isn’t
a dress rehearsal, it’s here and now and there’s no more time to put things off
for later because later may not come. I
don’t see this point in life as a crisis except to those who have become
complacent and want no more than they have settled for. Just how long and to what point do you
sacrifice your desires, dreams and ideals to give someone else theirs? How much is the ransom for self worth? I suppose the question to pose over the whole
of it is if you could go back and do it again, would you? If the answer is no then it’s time to walk
away. If by chance you say that you
would to a point but you’d change things so that they would be different then
change them now. If they can’t be
changed then again you’re at a stalemate.
This is the place where I currently struggle, the questions I ponder
most at the moment. I think if I could
change things I’d personally start my own cult, be the goddess of it and
collect my own personal harem of men.
But that’s just me… And what kind
of person wants to be in a relationship where both are not living to their
authentic self? Who is this who’s
closing their eyes to your needs and only allowing for their own? These are the people who think divorces ‘come
out of the blue.’ Again, they forget
that there was more than one person in the relationship and perhaps the other
wasn’t content, happy or fulfilled. Come
to think of it, it really is a statement of selfishness. I was perfectly content to settle with things
as they were but during the time when I really didn’t want to acknowledge
anyone else or consider their part in this ‘shared experience’ someone else
wasn’t any of the things they thought they were going to be by this point in
their life. So that must be the gist of the
phrase ‘out of the blue.’
