Fathers
I had an event reminder pop up on my calendar for the week that brought about a bit of reflection so I decided to sit down & write about something that I’ve meant to for some time – fathers. For some reason in today’s world we don’t put as much emphasis on the importance of fathers in a child’s life. Now I’m not saying that just any man will do. He may or may not be the biological sire in fact though if you’re going to create them you should be there for them. Being that the times are what they are today there is very little excuse to creating a life by accident. No one is ignorant of how children get here of how to prevent it. It seems laziness or irresponsibility is the main culprits these days. Anyway… I am talking about one who is plugged in & active with his child’s life. Having grown up without mine around I can tell you that even if they say you never truly miss what you never had I absolutely missed not having my father there. Yes, it’s likely I missed more the ideal of what I thought a father should be more so than the actual man who sired me was. The real person was flawed. We’re all flawed to one degree or another but some are more so than others. My father chose not to be a part of my life. Now I can make excuses for him… He & my mother had gotten married far too young & he hadn’t been ready for the responsibilities of parenting or marriage for that matter. (And no, my mother actually wasn’t pregnant prior to their getting married, they were just the tragic teen age loves who thought that love had only ever really existed until they came together) My mother became such a pain in the ass that he decided he didn’t want to deal with her anymore. His mother never liked my mom & he was such a momma’s boy that eventually heeded his mother telling him that my mom was trapping him, holding him back. He had other things he wanted from his life & somehow through the course of living he just lost touch. It was too daunting a task so he fled. All of the above are true, the cumulative list relevant to varying degrees as to why he wasn’t there. What it comes down to is that they really don’t matter; he still decided NOT to be there, ever. There were no calls, no visitation, no cards, and no contact whatsoever. Not from him or his family.
I can also say that perhaps if he let these things separate him from my life then it’s also very likely I am a better person for him having NOT been there. I’ll never know though will I. I was never given a choice. All I knew of what a father might be like came when I was 6 years old from one of my mother’s boyfriends made a habit of walking me to school, listening to me, answering my questions & loving me - proud to have been seen as my father even if he wasn’t when my father wasn’t there. Unfortunately that relationship didn’t last with my mother either so he left my life as well. He’d been a Marine & I still have the Marine amulet that had been his that he gave me to remember him by. It broke my heart even more when just a couple years after their break up we learned he’d been accidentally killed while hunting. He’d been the closest thing I’d ever had to a father in my life, even if it had only been for too short a period of time.
The only memory I have of my father was during his father’s funeral when I was about 3 or 4 years old. I don’t remember his face, only that I was happy to see him. He picked me up, said “There’s my girl” & held me. I remember hugging him & that he cried. I don’t know if it was for me or for his father dying. I also remember going home with my mother afterwards where my grandmother had asked if we’d seen him there. I very clearly remember Mom replying in a disgusted voice, “Yes, the bastard had the nerve to pick her up & cry.” That inflammatory statement has lingered in my head all my life. Even if she wasn’t the happiest person I think to some degree she had the right to her bitterness against him because he didn’t step up to be a father to his child regardless of his relationship with her. I’m sure some of her disdain came from the disappointment in her self for being wrong in the choice she had made in the man she had wanted in her life who she had hoped would be more than what he was. Not that it’s ever an easy pill to swallow but it must be especially bitter to one who is still only a teenager. Let me tell you that my mother was no saint either. Growing up with her I could see why someone would want to be away from her. She often made a point, though it’s only me who’s old enough to remember, that if she’d been given the choice she might not have stayed with her children either.
I missed my father even more as my mother & I failed to bond & even more so in my teen years when we outright clashed. I longed to be rescued from that misery. I could see why he hadn’t wanted to be with her but in escaping for him self he’d left me to fend for myself & I was only a child. I couldn’t leave nor did I have the assurance that at least one parent loved me when the other didn’t, which felt like most of the time… I mourned his absence most during these years. I wondered if he ever thought of me, remembered my birthday, and imagined what my life might be like, what he might be missing by not being a part of it. It was during this time that I did try to find him. I managed to find a distant cousin who was very much into the genealogy of the family, even collecting information so that our particular branch could be traced back to the original immigrant ancestor who came here from Germany in 1756. (Was interesting to find our family’s genealogy in a book at our local library & now online) It was also at that time that I found that there was a common trait amongst some of the men of my fathers immediate branch of the family, uncles in particular, the trait of fathers who leave their families. How sad. His father, my grandfather, had never left so I couldn’t understand why he thought it was ok. Anyway, I did manage to contact a couple of my father’s sisters & even his mother, my grandmother. Even though I talked to them a couple times via the phone I’d not been a regular part of their life as I’d grown up so it wasn’t hard for me to slip back into obscurity. What I’d found out was that I wasn’t alone. My father had disappeared & not had contact with the rest of his family as well. Or at least that’s what I was told. I couldn’t help think that they owed me no loyalty so I had to take what I was being told with a grain of doubt. Besides, just as they with me, I had no reason to blindly trust these people. He’d last been known to be in Colorado but that was decades ago so I’ve no idea if he’s dead or alive now.
It was more than apparent to me that he had no desire to be connected with me. My family had stayed in the same area all my life so it’s not like I couldn’t have been found had he wanted to. I think all children have an idealistic idea of what parents should be. They believe the fairytales & since they have no other experience of life outside that of their own they can’t fathom adult behavior. Even as adults we have difficulty with that. The only thing they know is that if they are happy then it must be good & if they aren’t then there must be something wrong, usually with them. As children we base our own self worth on how we are treated by those who are supposed to love us best. I wanted desperately to have a father like David Goldman, the father who fought with everything he was & had to bring his son home from Brazil. We want to believe that we are the most precious things in the world to our parents. The sad reality is that David Goldman is the fairytale. I grew up hearing my mother tell me that she had done the best for us that she could. What I realized later, as I finally put the reality against the fantasy, was that it wasn’t true. Sometimes we as parents we do all we can, other times we do just what gets us by. Other times we don’t do enough or all we should. Sometimes we fail & do nothing at all. And then there are the times that we go above & beyond what is expected. Hopefully somewhere in there is a balance. But then there’s another variable, some people should be parents & some shouldn’t. This tips the balance considerably. At least with two parents one often compensates for the other. Again, there are exceptions to either side. I’m not negating the role the child’s personality plays but it’s the parents who write on the blank slate of who & what a child is & will become. (That last is a Dr. Phil-ism for those who have heard it before & for those who haven’t but should)
I guess I wonder why it is so easy for so many fathers to walk away from their children. I’ve seen so many stories in the news over the years where a child turns up missing and/or ends up dead. Too often the culprit is the live in boyfriend. Somewhere along the line you’ll hear the father in the reports talking about how his ex should have not let the guy near his kids. How he never liked the men his ex had in her life around his kids. Funny thing is that these same ‘fathers’ were never there for the kids. If they had been & some jerk that he didn’t trust came around his kids he would have found a way to take them in himself. Usually the woman hooks up with the guy to help pay the bills & support her & her kids because ‘daddy’ isn’t there to do it or he is nearby but won’t help. What an incredibly sad & tragic irony that turns out being. Again, that isn’t always the case. There are some men out there who step up and become the very best fathers to children who become theirs solely out of love alone.
A while back my cousin, who I mentioned before that is into all the genealogy stuff, emailed me. He told me that he had found the address of a man who might be my father who was living in CO. Decades have passed since I’d last tried to find my father. Over that time I’d made peace that he was never going to be a part of my life. Not only because he’d removed himself but by now I’d decided he had no right to benefit from a life he’d never been a part of – mine. I told my cousin thank you but no thanks. He said that perhaps I might have questions that I wanted to ask my father if I could. I thought about that & again I decided no, his answered meant nothing to me now. My cousin went on to tell me that when he’d found his absent father he’d had a lot to ask & felt better for having had the chance to do so. Again I thought about it & realized that son’s seem to have that need more than daughters do. Understandable since a child bases what they should be from the same sex parent. Funny how sometimes they end up just like them when they admire that parent or the total opposite concerning the things they felt they failed at most. Example, a man who didn’t have a father around can decide to be the father to his children that he never had. Since he knew what was missing he’d know best what was needed. Another lesson I’ve learned is that more often than not those who make the wrong choices in life are some of the best teachers we can ever have. They show us first hand the consequences of bad choices… I believe that had it been my mother who had not been around I would have wanted to ask questions, to try & resolve for myself how a person could do something that I could never have considered. Although I’ve seen enough on talk shows to know that any time a mom leaves both sons & daughters need the answers to why. That’s because women aren’t expected to be the ones who leave, not that they don’t, just not to the degree that men do. Whereas, men are. Again, isn’t that a sad commentary on our society today. As a daughter I was supposed to learn from my father how a man should be expected to treat a woman by example of how he treated my mother & me. I would have based what qualities I deemed desirable from the rest of the men who entered my life on those that I loved best in my own father. Without that all I had to go on was a hope & a prayer that I had a clue to win the crap shoot & got it right. I guess what I learned best was what I didn’t want in a man rather than what I did. Let me say right here that there are fathers out there who are amazing! They are incredible with their son’s & their daughters are their treasures. The relationships they have with their children are rich & full even if they aren’t always perfect. It’s ok not to be perfect, again that’s something we teach by example to our children. I give those men all the credit & kudos that I’m sure they never get enough of. Thank you for choosing fatherhood!
Now, for those who aren’t in their children’s life for whatever reason that may be. There is still hope. Circumstances are unpredictable in life so perhaps you can’t control how much you are in that child’s life but it is up to you to do all you can to try to be. Stop making bullshit excuses about the ex, it doesn’t wash. If she won’t let you see your child or makes it hard then you have a choice. Set it up so that you are with a neutral third party. You DO have rights to your child if make the effort to exercise them rather than puss out & use her as a convenient excuse to bail on your responsibilities. Even if you’re not a part of that child’s daily routine make them part of yours! I have a friend who was getting ready to go into the military & he was going to be away from his two year old little girl. He was afraid that by the time he got back she wouldn’t know who he was. So I told him to do something I’d told a friend of mine who was a grandmother & who’s daughter had suddenly disappeared with her grand daughter to do so that one day when she did come back she’d know that she’d never been forgotten. Keep a journal for the child. Write in it regularly. Tell them what you’re doing in your life. How you’ve thought of them, what you hope for them, what you imagine they might be doing & how what you’d do if you could be there. Let them know, even if you can’t in any other way, that even if they weren’t there physically that you held them always in your heart. What does this cost you but time & it’s still less than what would have been required had you actually been there. Instead of pissing & moaning about the gifts, cards & letters that aren’t getting through, if you’re actually sending something that is, start a bank account on their behalf. The birthday money, Christmas gift money that you might have spent should go in there to help them out one day when they do come to you. And they will if you make sure you always let someone close to them know where you are. Again, that’s a choice you make that costs nothing but the effort but to that child – it will mean the world.
Oh, and the event – my father’s birthday is tomorrow. At least one of us remembers….
