This was recently posted as a post quote on Facebook by
someone who’s been a part of my life for a very long time. I have to say, it made me feel sorry for them
although not likely in the manner they had hoped it might. They’re not a bad person, just misguided and
without external insight…
“You’ll end up real
disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.”
We have all felt the sting, or crush, of disappointment in
our life through many avenues so I know we all understand from where this
sentiment might stem. However, in having
known the person who’d placed this statement on their page as a representation
of their own feelings, I found myself disconcerted. I began to dissect this
particular statement and found duplicity at its core.
One assumes that this person has done something for another
‘out of the goodness/kindness of their heart’.
Perhaps it is the vast ambiguity of this that is the very ‘heart’ of the
issue in it’s self. How that precise
organ based act should be defined; the goodness or kindness of one’s heart as
well as the term ‘gift’… I suppose the
definition is relative and relevant to the one holding the sentiment over all,
how they wish to classify it in regards to the function it serves within their
situational sphere. Usually a self
righteous one from my observations though I digress… I believe there should be a base
understanding, so in being that this is my observation on the subject, it will
be my own for the course of this post. You
will either agree or not but at least it’s the start of a good discussion,
which is the key to any understanding that’s to be had.
Giving or doing something out of the goodness or kindness of
one’s heart is that which is offered freely, for the sheer grace of the gift of
giving, for the pleasure of making another happy or lifting their burden and
one that is entirely without expectation or obligation. Anything less than that misses the mark of
being from the heart resoundingly. This
is the point in which it gets convoluted.
With this definition in mind then, how many of us beyond doubt give a
gift of the heart? Suddenly our level of
generosity to our fellow man plummets… Not
such a pleasant reflection on our selfless motives is it. Ok, so if it’s not a gift then what is it
we’re offering? That’s simple though not
nearly as magnanimous; it’s merely a trade and one that’s often unbalanced to both
party’s reckoning. Tit for tat, in for a
penny – out for a pond, a bargaining chip, leverage. (That last one being the most primary reason
of all.) In essence it’s being said, “I’m
begrudgingly doing this for you BUT, should you agree to accept this thing that
you would like, want or might even be desperate to receive, you are agreeing to
be obligated to me on MY terms. I’m
expecting something in return on my investment and I get to stipulate the value
of what I want back at the time of my choosing.” Rather mercenary is it not? Talk about being on the polar opposite side
of kind, philanthropic or gifting. Of
course, every transaction varies in the perceived obligation owed. It might be as simple a string as recognition
and acknowledgement but it might also be an intricate web of strings that one
may never disentangle themselves from, leaving them the unwitting puppet of a
sadist holding the strings, always reminding them of how much they owe in debt
for the ‘kindness’ they’ve been afforded.
I’ve observed that this type of ‘giver’ often over valued themselves and
their contribution while devaluing that of the person they’ve contributed to or
anything that person might have done for them.
Ergo the bane of the ‘giver’s’ disappointment, no one can ever hope to
measure up when they’re not the one holding the yard stick.
I’m writing this as an observation as well as a reprimand of
human behavior. I also confess my own sin
of falling into this practice on occasion, though hopefully not as frequently
as I might once have done so since my awareness acuity has sharpened. I believe it is a reflection of one of the
base human nature elements as to how we glean our self worth against that of
others but in understanding it’s root then we are able to recognize the trait
and correct it accordingly. This is not a
means to discourage anyone from helping others where they can, that should occur
far more than it does, it’s to encourage us to be completely honest with ourselves;
examine which we’re offering and why. Doing
this might guide us to less disappointment in life if we comprehend that giving
anything to another that has been tied up in a pretty bow with the strings of
obligation is no gift from the heart. An
authentic gift from the heart holds no expectations thus no prospect of
disappointment is created.
