Out of the Blue…

I’d been thinking about writing this blog for a while and have decided that now is the time.  In the job that I do I get calls all day long so inexorably someone will volunteer personal information about their situations without prompting of any kind from me.  I have always been a listener so perhaps they either sense that or I have a voice that invites Aunt Agony confessions.  Either way there was a man who called for other purposes but then began to explain that he was flustered, after 26 years of marriage his wife divorced him ‘out of the blue’.  I have tons of compassion because I realize that he was in the middle of a major life changing event, that he couldn’t possibly predict all the consequences that were going to result from the incident.  But just because things were different, requiring him to make adjustments didn’t mean it was inevitably or conclusively going to be a negative in his life.  Different doesn’t equate to bad.  Even with all that empathy I couldn’t help feeling a bit annoyed because there is one thing I do know without a doubt; it did NOT happen ‘out of the blue.’  He may not have been paying attention, a possible root to the problem in the first place; he may have played ostrich sticking his head in the sand to deny that it was worse than he wanted to acknowledge that it was or perhaps he just took for granted.  Supposing that things had rolled along as they had for all that time so that momentum would invariably carry them through, but, it didn’t get there over night or happen ‘out of the blue.’  Please don’t think I’m singling men out here either.  Women play the same unrealistic mental mind fuck games with themselves as well.  Ah, the story teller syndrome…  More on that at another time.

I’ve decided, being that I’m living the situation now, to inform you of some facts based in reality, at least through my perception of it.  Isn’t that all any of us have anyway?

This did NOT happen out of the blue!!!  Paper is thin but it still has two sides.  There can be entirely different perspectives written on either side, sharing nothing in common but depending on the situation of the emotional instrument being used in writing, one side will make an impression and/or bleed onto the other side and it WILL be seen!  Acknowledgment is an entirely different beastie that most choose not to heed.  It’s more than just having blinders on, the only way it’s unexpected is if they’re totally dead to reality.  Did you know there is an employment test for awareness?  My husband has failed it.  There’s a shock!  I think there are some who need to be given that test BEFORE they get married and have to renew it every few years like a license!  Hmm, perhaps it should be posed as a course that starts in high school and advanced courses could be offered in college.  Just a thought…  *grins*

It actually starts to go wrong far BEFORE we get into those committed relationships.  No one gives us a guide on how to choose the person who will be our best relationship match when we first begin to dream of the person that we hope will share our life.  Those little ‘compatibility’ games we played in writing down each name with our own, crossing out the duplicate letters then doing the ‘love, hate, friendship, marriage’ thing with the remaining letters just don’t flippin work!  Even if we had a crystal ball we wouldn’t pay it any mind.  Our hearts and hormones have little to do with long term relationship forecasting!  If they did then they’d be about as accurate as weathermen!  The choices we make are based on a lot of factors; few that will carry over into the long haul. 

Attractiveness – Hey, we’re going sleep with them, maybe even reproduce with them, so we want them to be appealing, right?   What I’ve found here on the other side of youth is that those who are gorgeous young don’t usually stay that way.  Gee, imagine that!  Of course, those who weren’t so hot when they were young can turn into knock outs later on!  Gotta love the late bloomers!  But beauty is in the eye of the beholder isn’t it.  There are some fabulous physical beauties that are malignantly ugly to the core as there are precious stunning souls who are as ordinary as a blade of grass.  Where beauty is concerned, it’s something you really don’t find fact in as early as one might assume.  Real beauty is something that presents it’s self over time and has depth.  But when we’re young we don’t always know that. 

Compatibility – ok, so we think we know what we want when we’re young and know how to go about getting it.  What idiots we were!  Most of the time we didn’t have a clue other than we had our hearts set to that one person and one damned way or another we were going to have them!  God forbid it happened to be someone that our family didn’t approve of!  Again, from my own personal experience, let someone tell a teen what they can’t have and that’s just what they want.  Too many young couples have been driven into each others arms by way of ‘good intentions.’  Often the relationship is an escape; one preferable to what they’re moving away from - real or perceived.  We feed ourselves the fiction of what we want our life to be and then expect it to happen.  Some of us clumsily stagger along; little wonder the foundation was sandy rather than firm.  If goals are set and direction is employed then we find momentum but life is no perpetual motion machine.  Falling backwards is a hazard if efforts aren’t made to keep it going forward.  We can’t just love them, we have to really like the person we’re with; as they are rather than what we want them to be or plan to shape them into.  So much time and effort is wasted on power plays in the beginning.  I understand it stems from learning to live in new conditions with a person you are still getting to know but believe when I tell you that here is where patterns are set.  The scars to come are first cut.  Insidious shadows first creep.  Also be aware that when choosing someone you are subconsciously selecting someone who allows you to be what you think your role should be in that relationship.  A strong willed person is going to select a mild mannered person so that their own character can dominate.  Understand that well.  Somewhere down the line when you want to complain that your partner is weak or too pushy, remember that we teach people how to treat us as well as we pick our poisons.  We have just as much hand in our misery as our joys.  I also think that we tend to see others potential possibly more than they might see it themselves.  Just remember that potential is what they are capable of being, not necessarily what they want to or will be; attaining more is up to them, not you.  When relationships go bad we tend to beat ourselves up doubting our ability to judge character.  We turn it in on ourselves and get angry at the other who didn’t live up to our judgment.  Perhaps we aren’t wrong, perhaps we just hope for more than they are able to be for us.  The fit isn’t what it should have been for the best outcome.  As a general rule I have also noticed that there are those I call short termers and those who are long termers.  Short termers never stay in a relationship for more than a few years at the most at a time and usually they are shorter than that.  They sort of have relationship A.D.D.  These folks generally have unrealistic ideals of what a relationship should be as well as what the role the other person in it with them should be.  They tend to be a bit more self involved.  But to their favor they aren’t willing to waste time to put up with all the idiocy that some people can bring into the mix.  Long termers are in it for the long haul.  They work at it; they are too stubborn or stupid to give up.  They’re short fall is that they tend to tolerate a lot more than perhaps they should over time and usually invest far more than they can afford to lose should it fail.  They also tend to slant to the side of martyrdom.  The one thing for certain is that never the two shall mix successfully.  Next category to be aware of are those who are of words, those who are of action and the rare breed who can do both.  The ‘word’ person is going to talk a lot but not follow through often.  The ‘action’ person is going to do what needs doing for the most part but as they want because they aren’t willing to talk to get any other input but their own.  The magic equation is the one who can do both. 

Love – all we need is love…  Bullshit!  That fantasy works for teenagers and those in their early 20’s ONLY.  Ask anyone, male or female past the age of 35, whose real brain cells have kicked in if love is enough and they’ll laugh in your face.  A relationship is the fabric a couple weaves together.  It’s only as strong, as rich as what’s put into it.  Even the strongest and richest can become tattered if its not cared for properly.  Also know that there is no one in your life ever that you can love enough, cajole enough, push enough, wish enough, drag enough into doing or being anything more than they want to be.  The pain you might feel on their behalf is only going to be yours.  It won’t move them to your way of thinking, doing or being.

In the beginning it’s the little things, like a cancer cell, one mutation at a time.  Example:  She’s cleans the house but everyday you throw your dirty clothes on the floor rather than in the laundry hamper.  ‘Cleaning up in the home is her job!’ you might be thinking.  (There are a lot of stupid sexism ideals that rear their ugly heads in the beginning of relationships on both sides of the x/y fence)  Well let’s see, switch places here…  If you are working all day, every day and on call all the other hours you weren’t actually out there doing your thing and someone came behind you who intentionally countermines everything you’ve put your efforts into doing how might you feel?  Wouldn’t that feel like a personal attack to you?  Then why would you do this to someone you claim to love?  Have you ever noticed we tolerate more from strangers and extend more courtesy to them than we do to those we profess to care about?  How the hell does that possibly work to anything other than disaster in the end?  First thing that usually breaks in a relationship is that each person’s efforts get undermined and underappreciated by the other.  Besides, you’re an adult!  You are capable thus you have NO excuse.  You should want a clean home, money in the bank, a secure future, each others happiness too and be willing to invest small efforts to have those things.  Your life, your family and your home are where you showcase all the efforts you invest your time working towards.  Your home is your trophy case, illustrating what and whom you care for.  Taking care of things means you don’t have to replace them as often so that what you work so hard to earn can be used for other things you enjoy.  Having to continuously repeat an action that you’ve already done that is not part of routine maintenance is bad time management.  The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  Put the damn dirty clothes where they belong and she doesn’t bitch and you both get more time to do things you enjoy!  Why is that such a hard concept?  Again, ladies, you’re not off the hook either.  My biggest pet peeve about women is that they go into a relationship with the attitude that she really doesn’t like everything about him but she can mold him into what she wants him to be once they’re in a committed relationship.  If they have a track record of a particular behavior why the hell do you think you’re the magic key that turns it around?  Yep, in you’re mind you just that SPECIAL!!  I’ll call the short bus for ya…  Honey, if you don’t like him now or some of the things he does, you’re going to like him a hell of a lot less later because those things are going to drive you nuts as well as consistently get worse!  No matter how much you want him to do it like you would if you are stupid enough to forget he is NOT you, not like you and never will be then you only get what you deserve.  I’m not saying that you BOTH shouldn’t set a high standard but make it realistic with attainable steps in between, just realize that you each have priorities and they don’t always mesh.  Find his strengths, not his weaknesses and set him on those paths where he’ll find success and praise him so that he gets used to those ego strokes.  We all enjoy them and will go out of our way to earn them, even attempting things that may be out of our comfort zones!  Imagine that!  Never discourage him when he makes the effort even if it’s not to your liking because as soon as you do he’ll never try again and even more will be left to you to do.  And lastly, most importantly – never forget this is a man you are with.  If you want someone who acts like you then heterosexuality is not the right game for you.  Don’t try so hard to neuter him; you won’t like what you end up with in the end.  If you do when you need your man to stand up on his own two feet you’re going to find bit by bit you’ve removed everything from his waist down; crippling him to be what he should have been.  And stop trying to erase the evidence of him in the home!  So he has an ugly chair, picture, trophy that you think is tacky and you hate it!  Too bad!  He lives there too!  This is a good place to learn compromise and negotiation.  Look them up.  These are much better life skills to have over spoiled brat syndrome always wanting your way.  Besides, if you plan on having children you might as well introduce yourself to chaos slowly, what better way then through him!  *wink*  Let him have his friends and you keep yours.  You’re both going to need that network of support in your life.  Just because you are a couple doesn’t mean that you cease to be individuals.  You have to have experiences together as well as apart so that when you are together you’re able to bring things that are fresh, new and interesting to the unit.  As I’ve said in previous blogs, some of the best teachers we ever have in life are those who do it wrong because we get to see the results without having to experience them first hand.  Pay attention to what works and doesn’t work for others in your social circles.  Besides, isolating yourselves may be fun at first but in the end it’s another thing you’ll regret that will bite you in the ass later in your life together.

After the beginning, kids come along, work demands and life has settled into a pattern.  Things seem fine, alls going well and you’re content…  Not likely.  You’re just too distracted to deal with the gnawing annoyances.  You’ve stopped making time for yourself.  You start to examine your life.  You had plans, dreams and desires.  How does what you have compare to what you thought you’d have by this point?  It’s usually not very well.  It’s easier to adjust your ideals here at the midway point than it will be later on.  You’ve stopped making time for each other.  Sex is something you get through or just do to get out of the way more often than not.  It’s never as often or all that it should be.  Another thing I know for certain is that no one person can be all things to another person at all times and no matter how much you might want it to be different no one can will it into being otherwise.  That knowledge isn’t going to take away the feeling of isolation you’re beginning to feel in the relationship.  This is a dangerous time.  When couples stop reaching for each other to fulfill their needs yet if they aren’t fulfilled they will start to reach out to others.  At first it’s just support, some innocent flirtations, an ear, a shoulder, someone to make them feel desirable and allows them some bit of self indulgence.  In the beginning these things generally come from a variety of people.  They’re harmless then because there’s no ‘re-coupling’ going on.  It’s when the isolation goes deeper and the chasm between the two feels insurmountable that the unconscious search begins.  The connection is unraveling.  We tend to either feel vulnerable to re-coupling or a great desire to break away to independence.  We seek what’s missing.  If it’s gotten to this point it’s very likely communication is sporadic at best.  The things that really matter are being buried, internalized.  Again, this didn’t happen ‘out of the blue.’  She’s talked and he’s ignored her.  He’s struggled and she’s given him no credit.  He can’t understand why such things bother her; she can’t understand why those things don’t bother him.  If a relationship doesn’t progress and evolve as it goes along it can have no hope of survival.  Patterns and routine will kill any relationship regardless of who’s stuck in them.  So the cancer grows and goes deeper…

There’s a common complaint I hear from men, who have always loved talking to me about anything and everything but especially about their sexual prowess.  Surprise, surprise!  ‘We don’t have sex like we used to anymore.  She never wants it and if she does it’s boring.’  Now this is an area that varies from couple to couple but one thing that I have noticed that I find amazing is that people are willing to do things with and to each other that they’re terrified to talk about.  How strange is that?  My belief is that if you can’t say it out loud then you damned well shouldn’t be doing it!  You’re not mature enough yet!  When we’re younger its new, fun and something to explore together but even then we rarely ask for what we really want or need physically.  Then as we get older she’s wrapped up in everything except him because she’s managing the family, as is her nature, and he still wants the highly physical stimulation, as is his nature, they condemn each other for it!  He may have had or still has an interest in adult magazines or movies but some women feel personally offended by it.  I don’t get it.  (I happen to own and look at far more adult content than my husband does.  He’s not a prude but he’s also not as sensually oriented as I am.  It is what it is.)  Do you see guys bitching over the books that women read, the shows they like to watch, and all the distractions that they use for escapism?  Not usually huh.  She whines, ‘but I don’t look like those women, it gives them a false idea of what women should look like or want.’  It’s a fantasy babe.  I know you love your man but really, in most cases do you think if your guy walked up to a woman like that she’s going to just drop to her knees and worship him?  Yes guys, I know that’s how your best wet dream goes but even you know you’re not Hugh Hefner.  Then again, isn’t it flattering that your lady thinks so much of you that she believes the bombshell type couldn’t help but want you as much as she does?  Think about it, she may not say it but her actions are screaming that you’re a rock star in her eyes.  *winks*  Oh and ah, guys, women are very sexual, especially as she gets older.  Just think of yourself at 18 and how dynamic that awareness was for you.  It’s the same for her later on and if she doesn’t want sex that much it’s not that she isn’t sexual anymore, as you often tell yourself, it’s just very likely she doesn’t want sex with YOU!  There IS a difference.  The thing to remember about woman is that they don’t differentiate between what goes on outside the bedroom from what goes on in it.  The physical and the emotional are one and the same.  If there are issues in other parts of the relationship it’s going to affect the way she relates to you sexually as well.  If she’s gotten to that point then sadly, there is little a man can do to reverse that sentence.  Although, from my own conversations with some men there do seem to be those men who see sex as little more than a bodily function; something to be done casually at any time, anywhere with the currently available vessel that is little more than receptacle of the release. It may be more pleasurable than taking a piss but for some men it’s of little more impact to them than just that.  Ah the conquering male!  Those who subscribe to that kind of behavior don’t seem to realize that it’s equivalent to a small dog running around the neighborhood trying to mark territory.  It’s rather mindless and pathetic.  He loves the pursuit but after that…?  Yes, I know that sounds rather crass and base but there’s no other way of putting it to make it any prettier than what it is.  Not to say this is every man, it certainly isn’t but if by chance your woman feels any inkling that this same attitude is manifesting in your relationship it will wedge you apart permanently.  There’s plenty of blame to be spread to both men and women.  Even though he’s not the raging hormonal teen he is still a guy.  They are visual & physical.  Both men & women tend to get lazy as far as their creativity goes with each other in the bedroom.  Not surprising.  If they aren’t talking about it then they aren’t doing it!  Viagra – whoopee, you can pop a pill and get hard and she’s supposed to just fall all over you because you’ve got wood!  Right!  You’re so proud of that appendage, it’s what defines you as male, always has; at least in your mind.  Such a noble accomplishment that your body should function as it was meant to or that there’s a pill that can aid it to do so when the plumbing gets a kink.  Man logic - A hard cock equates to virility & power.  Sure caveman.  Mister, you better be packing more between your ears as between your legs if you’re going to stand a snowballs chance in hell.  I can tell you it’s not working for her and you’re going to be out of the game if that’s all you come swinging with.  Most of the Viagra, or other ED drugs being used, are being popped by guys who are too lazy to be creative.  Nothings wrong with the plumbing other than lack of enthusiasm.  Routine is death to anything that should be exciting!  Another point on Viagra…  The mere fact that this was the first drug of its kind to come out and that it came out for men tells you plenty right there!  Men can be sexually selfish at times, even before the advent of Viagra!  A really smart man would have invented the drug for women first, that is if women were yet allowed by society to be sexual beings in the first place…  Anyway, think about it guys, how hot would it be if your woman could take a pill that had her so hot she’d be all over you?  Talk about the gift that keeps on giving!  The pharmaceutical companies would make huge money because both men and women would be buying it up like tic tacs!  There are a lot of reasons why women lose interest.  It’s not because someone else has necessarily caught their fancy but more likely the relationship has taken enough of a toll that she’s finding her pleasure for herself either with a little bean time or maybe some hot sexting.  See, she’s going to be a sexual being whether you like it or not and with or without you.  Hey, being a long time writer of erotically explicit materials both publicly and privately I can tell you women love reading or writing some naughty prose and likely invented sexting!  (That and the hand held shower massage! *grins*)  You do notice that it goes on a lot but it’s just the guys who keep getting busted doing it?  She’s much cleverer in her pursuits I can guarantee you!  Oh and for the record.  I do NOT think sexting is cheating although it can be used as a gateway to that end obviously if it’s taken into reality.  Generally it’s just one of the many ways men and women interact socially.  It’s exciting, its fun, it’s also very eye opening.  You find out things about people you might not have guessed, including yourself!  Sexting is used differently by each person.  Though for me personally, it’s not something I neither do casually nor am I open to doing it with anyone just for the fun of it.  It’s private territory.  I have to have a hell of a connection with someone, which has taken place over time and is far more complex than just the physical attraction.  I require my muse.  *smiles*  But even this can be a painful reminder of what’s missing in your relationship/life, therefore adding to the feelings of frustration and isolation.  Yet another thing to want and not be able to have.

Mid-life crisis…  I hate this term.  If by chance you’ve managed to make it through all the rest to this point without having fixed the problems or baled sooner then I feel your pain.  The kids are grown; on their own or at least of an age where they damned well ought to be but might not be.  You’re finding yourself in the same house with what may be just short of a stranger; behaving more as room mates than a couple.  Living together but separated emotionally.  Not that you don’t care about one another, you’ve just come to the knowledge that it’s time to focus on yourself again.  Time is running out.  Maybe you’ve had some health concerns and are really beginning to feel your mortality.  You’ve done the family life, some of it was good, and some of it wasn’t.  Life isn’t a dress rehearsal, it’s here and now and there’s no more time to put things off for later because later may not come.  I don’t see this point in life as a crisis except to those who have become complacent and want no more than they have settled for.  Just how long and to what point do you sacrifice your desires, dreams and ideals to give someone else theirs?  How much is the ransom for self worth?  I suppose the question to pose over the whole of it is if you could go back and do it again, would you?  If the answer is no then it’s time to walk away.  If by chance you say that you would to a point but you’d change things so that they would be different then change them now.  If they can’t be changed then again you’re at a stalemate.  This is the place where I currently struggle, the questions I ponder most at the moment.  I think if I could change things I’d personally start my own cult, be the goddess of it and collect my own personal harem of men.  But that’s just me…  And what kind of person wants to be in a relationship where both are not living to their authentic self?  Who is this who’s closing their eyes to your needs and only allowing for their own?  These are the people who think divorces ‘come out of the blue.’  Again, they forget that there was more than one person in the relationship and perhaps the other wasn’t content, happy or fulfilled.  Come to think of it, it really is a statement of selfishness.  I was perfectly content to settle with things as they were but during the time when I really didn’t want to acknowledge anyone else or consider their part in this ‘shared experience’ someone else wasn’t any of the things they thought they were going to be by this point in their life.  So that must be the gist of the phrase ‘out of the blue.’ 

Listening to:  I Am Only One - We Are The Fallen

Stille Nacht

No tree to light, no gifts to give, no cards to send, no rest, no joy, no peace.  There wouldn’t be a meal but for being invited elsewhere.  Just another day, in another year, the same as each have been over the past few.  No confidence to be shared, it’s no one else’s burden to bear.  Little wonder I’ve learned to hate these days.  Little wonder I long for when they’ve gone past.  Play Manheim Steamroller’s Stille Nacht, sad, lonely, and desolate.  That’s my Christmas.  Still hiding… 

Hiding...

I’ve come to appreciate this site over the other where I maintain a blog because of it’s anonymity.  In a way there’s a comfort in having the ability to hide myself & my thoughts here where it doesn’t get the traffic that the other may receive.  I get to post my truest self and should my mental amblings one day be read then it won’t likely be by anyone who encountered me in any other way but via this virtual medium.  Yes, there is a sort of purity to what I leave on the pages here.  All writers face the reality that when they write they may or may not reach the masses.  Some write just to that purpose.  Others write in hopes that one day, amongst all the possibilities that exist for others to read, that someone might pick up what we have penned & find something that touches them, that illusive realm of immortality that brings us to life in their minds if even for only a moment.  Perhaps that’s what I find here among the multitude.  I’ve always thought of myself as being a treasure found.  A treasure, you say, pretty damned arrogant aren’t you?  But don’t we all think or hope we’re something unique?  Some special illuminated element that only exists within us; some precious pearl that our frame of reference has shaped & polished?  Isn’t our worth based on our own opinion along side the value that another person places in us?  I think a true treasure has a balance of those two elements.  They never think too highly of themselves nor rely too heavily on the opinions of others to feel their worthiness.  From my own observations, treasures that are sought rarely live up to the expectations of those looking for them.  Those which are found without expectation are all the more highly prized simply because there was no preconceived notion of their value in the first place.  That’s who I’ve felt I have attempted to be, admittedly often fighting to balance that scale of self worth versus outside influence, more often than not feeling the heaviness of the doubt of value from either.  In living that struggle I trust the same wisdom has been gleaned, some difficult path has been forged and sentiments may present themselves in what I might write that bring the reader along with me on an exploration of life.  My hope is that for someone it can be a treasure found; a place where the joys and pains are shared empathically across time and distance.

My life is not all it could or should be.  Of course I take responsibility for my part in that though I also know I am not the sole influence to the good or bad of it all together, but It is my own, thus what I make it.  I lay in bed at night with a man beside me, never touching with the layers of bedding between us, who I feel no passion for.  Certainly I care for him but it is now out of habit rather than out of desire to be together.  He’s been a part of my life for nearly three quarters of the time I have existed.  My son still lives at home, at 25 still not equipped to live his life on his own.  It’s a pattern that we are living, not life.  I lay there at night often weeping into my pillow silent tears of longing.  For the life I’d hoped for, for what I’ve allowed myself to accept.  For futility I see in my existence; past, present & future.  For all that will never be mine and mourning the ideals I held that have not bourn but rare fruits, too few and far between to sustain a fulfilled life.  I weep with the realization that in my fifty one years of life I have never truly been cared for or loved in return with the passion and conviction that I have given.  I’m crushed under the knowledge, the harsh awareness of it all.  In a life where there aren’t second chances I have been given more than my fair share, trying desperately to shift the tide, finding that I may be past the point of having enough momentum to alter the current.  Each time I have done so thus far I have been left feeling my survival has brought additional punishment rather than reward.  I examine my circumstance and acknowledge that through it all, I am the common denominator.  I struggle to name the cause so that I have a place to start to focus my attentions for change but always finding that there are too many threads in too many directions and a proper tapestry can’t be woven from any of it.  I have attempted not to fall into the pattern we often tend to; that we trust in what we tell ourselves far more often than we deserve to trust in any one person, let alone ourselves.  But it seems to me that if my life is derailed then as it’s conductor I am the one at fault, I have trusted too much in my own navigation when it was clearly in error but I don’t know how to return to the track.  I feel utterly lost.  I have put forth gigantic efforts so that others would be more at ease in their role within my life; they have eagerly taken it and happily let me lead the way, learning by my instruction of example that there is no need to make their own efforts.  Is it little wondered then that when I do need them to finally be supportive they don’t know how.  I have created and trained the beast.  Oh how cruel the fates that the one thing I have to rely on those closest to me for is the one thing I hate having to need from others the most - basic mobility.  I have sabotaged my own life; my own happiness and my own success within it.  Most of all I sacrifice myself so that others are spared.  I’ve heard that we all do what we do because we get a payoff for it that we enjoy or we’d do something different.  Sometimes it’s in response to an event in our life but after a while it may continue simply out of habit.  Again, that word.  So what was/is my payoff.  I get to sacrifice myself on the altar of emotional superiority in that I have not caused others the pain that they have caused me.  I made that promise to myself when I was 15 and have kept it up to the point that I have done more harm to myself than anyone else possibly could have done.  OK, perhaps given some of the people in my life, maybe not quite as much… 

In that vein of self sacrifice the one thing I am absolutely consistent at is evasion.  Should anyone ask me how I am or what’s going on in my life I will spare them the grizzly details.  I suppose I follow the adage, “I could complain but who would care.”  I learned that people ask you how you are generally for one of three reasons.  The first being politeness.  Not that they really want to know but it’s a nice thing to act like they do in the preface of an impersonal conversation.  The second is comparison, to see if you might be doing better or worse than they are.  This is often to the negative where they hope to get information that makes them superior in their situation to yours.  They don’t really care how you are other than to make sure you’re in your place beneath them.  The third is out of genuine concern.  I can tell you that this is the one that is used the very least.  Even if I am in a venting frame of mind and feel that the question was posed sincerely you can bet that what I tell you is going to be merely a scratch of the surface.  The reality is going to be a hundred times worse than what I let on.  Of course, those who push for the facts are even more rare, almost mythical.  How many times have we heard of something happening to someone, a person living under conditions that were surprising to even those who were supposed to be close to them in their life but ‘had no idea it was so bad!’  I can tell you that they didn’t want to know.  They only asked for one of the first two reasons, never the last or they would have made a point to know.

So with that in mind; good, bad or otherwise, I am going to tell the raw truth of my existence here.  When I was younger, writing was much easier to do.  I think it’s because then, the emotions I was wrestling with were just below the surface.  Churning, boiling and erupting through the only real vent I allowed them.  Now, I’ve had a lifetime of stuffing them down, pretending they could be controlled and trying to become numb to the intensity of how much more deeply they cut.  If the psychological scars of life could be seen as physical ones are then my soul would be crisscrossed like a multidimensional road map with a topography that rarely ever lay smooth.  A friend told me I should write about what I go through but upon thinking about it I realized that doing so is not the release and restructuring it once was for me.  Then it had all been an internal business, sole proprietorship.  Now, all that I do impacts me and all those around me who I’ve let lean far too hard on my shoulders.  Writing about the current events just turns into a rehashing of all the things I’ve already lived that I am working hard to get through.  I’ve already lived them once, repeating them just to write about them is just too depressing.  Still, there are times when I do want to write, to find the way back to myself again, back to knowing the purpose of my life, finding a direction rather than whirling in this endless vortex of uncertainty.  Life doesn’t have a structured outline but I sure as hell wish it did, so I don’t know how this is all going to transpire but the only way it starts is to begin.  This post is just a step in many along that journey.

No Call List Violators Beware...

I have again filed a complaint with the FCC because of a telemarketer calling with a pre-recorded message to my home phone # which I do have on the No Call List. In filing this complaint I also informed the FCC of my own solution to the problem. I think they might appreciate my tactics... TO FCC: Before I can finish advising the representative that I am on the no call list and they are in violation of the law, the person disconnects the call. I have now resorted to listening to the pre-recorded message, pressing the # to speak to the representative then proceeding to blow a whistle loudly into the reciever at which point they disconnect. I assume that eventually they will understand my wish not to have additional calls from their company or I will rupture enough eardrums so as to make my # one they work to avoid calling.

PMs

PMs




I have been wanting to do this for years so here it goes… The best & the worst along with some of the common & overused!

(all names have been left out unless they are relevant to the pm its self)





hello u see my clock

(Funny typo, but no thanks. Think this may be where they came up with that old saying “half past a monkey’s ass & a quarter till his balls? Hmm”)



i also read some of ur blog posts and was wondering if u would be willing to sit on my couch and answer some questions while i analyze you?

(At least this one was creative though I’m not going near that couch, I suspect ulterior motives.)



nice naked man on cam here. would you like to watch?

(These are never really personal, they don’t care who it is as long as they have an audience. I’m way more selective in my viewing choices *grins*)



Hi sexy thing, kiss kiss...whats going on this fine morning doll face?

(Had this been said in the room I might have at least said hi but no, he had to take it to a box & I don’t pm with people I don’t know. And only one person gets to call me doll damnit!)



looks like you've been good to me santa loves pretty blue eyes

(Blue eyes mean good? So does that mean anyone with other colored eyes are bad? Ok folks, thank you, I get it, I have pretty eyes but really, it was no effort on my part & I can tell you that I wish they were half as good at looking as they are at looking good. Bitter irony here, those who know me or who’ve read my other blogs know what I’m referring to. But I should give him some credit here, he was polite enough to comment on the eyes and not go for the other obvious choice)



does the fantasy of being kidnapped, tied, gagged and used excite you?

(No but the one of me beating your ass really hard for a long time with a baseball bat has suddenly become incredibly appealing…)



From Nicen_hard… hi, what are you looking for

(Not you)



you are walking up the driveway and see me packing some bags into the car... I smile at you .. hey honey ... I tell you your mom had to go out of town .. and that i thought you and i could go on a trip together.. what do you think honey ???

(Ok, scenarios are at least creative but this sick fuck isn’t talking about his wife or girlfriend, his little role play is twisted around incest with his daughter. This man needs psychological attention or his ass beat, not access to a computer. There are a lot of sexual interests I get and even encourage – this is NOT one of them)



you have a beautiful vioce do you like to chat?

(Thank you but um, I am in a chat room chatting right? Am I missing something here? Nope, he was.)



m or f (&) asl

(Two of the laziest damned posts that can be made & my biggest chat pet peeve. I have spent the time to fill out a profile, even have more damned info in it than most want to know. Why the bloody hell am I going to waste my time telling these idiots a damned thing or anything else if they can’t even take the time to look at it if only just to see whether or not I’m male or female! These two little posts are instant tickets to having their asses tossed into the super iggy bin where they belong.)



From Dirtyperv… Show me your cunt and tits so I can jerk this fat shaven cock and blow my first load of the day all over you.

(Really? Does that ever really work? Jackwagon. Go ahead, hold your breath till I show you want you want to see… keep holding… )



From man_in_black62: hi 25m here from greece.oiled close up cock and balls on cam for females. i got a big load for a lady.hurry up!

(Well, if you’re depending on me to come see so you can cum those balls of yours are going to go from blue to black & fall off. Obviously only brain working here is the one between his legs rather than his ears if that one actually even exists, sadly common on Yahoo)



u fuking hot

(next)

for 50

(Don’t ya just love a qualifier? And yes damnit, I AM hot for 50 but I don’t require his affirmations, especially since what makes me hottest he’ll never comprehend. Another village idiot off wandering the internet…)



hi. interested in a perverted Xmas roleplay?

(Um, NO! Though I do find a bit of sadistic pleasure in imagining him with an aluminum Christmas tree up his ass… *that one’s for you Frankie!* ;) )



do you like mmf 3some fantasies??

(Even if I do why the hell do you even possibly think I’m going to talk to you about it?)



ANY MOM HERE???

(Yet more incest BS. You have to wonder if these people are fixated on people who are close to them who have to love them because they’re family because they can’t sustain a real & healthy relationship outside of that. I just don’t get this whole idea. If someone reminds me of any family member at all my head doesn’t even almost see them sexually. No appeal at all.)



pardon the interruption, but what a lovely picture

(These are nice, just a simple compliment, no trolling involved. Him I would have talked to had he said this IN THE ROOM!)



wow great pics mo your hot

(Again, nice to have someone take the time to pay a compliment without expecting change back for having done so)



hey mo do u ever accept IMs?

(After getting my automated answer that says that I have PMs turned off because I keep my chatting in the room only…)

k that answers that lol

(I do respect a person who gets it the first time around. If he’d talk to me in the room I’d talk back. Unfortunately so many go into the rooms, lurk there & only send PMs as if anyone there is going to answer someone they’ve not been given a chance to even almost get to know.)



daddy needs to talk to you

(Grrrr!!!)



when was the last time you were fucked hard

(None of your damned business! I’m no prude so it’s not the question that offends me, it’s the person asking it. Under the right circumstances with the right person this would be hot! But why the hell would anyone think this is something they can ask & get an answer to from someone they don’t know?)



hi 30 M dad here

(He then got my auto message yet continued…)

and u?

(Again, the disturbing trend continues. What relevance is the fact he’s a father have? And why do they bother to send messages to people they don’t know?)



Cleverone27: want to play with a big hard cock

(Was that supposed to be clever? Don’t know where the hell he’s getting his definitions but I’m thinking he needs to change his name to AssHat)



very sexy!!! do u cam 2 cam??

(See, one who wants change back for paying a compliment… not happening)



do you like sex and sex pics?

(Am I breathing? But the more important question… am I going to share it with you? NO!!!)



sexy pictures :P. we share the same bday ;)

(Thank you and that’s nice…)



hey there are you busy?

(My typing in the room isn’t indicator enough? Perhaps my not answering was.)



Hi im Bob 28 married m in nc, you?

(Again, read a damned profile!)



you f looking?

(OMG! English lessons from Tarzan? The stupidity never ends!)



22/m/tx, is that alright for you?

(This young man breaks my number one rule, I don’t talk to guys younger than my son.)



hi miss i lov riding huge dildos on cam:">

(Now isn’t that a special talent to be proud of…)



youre not really 50, right?

(Though I do like the fact that when people find out how old I am they never believe me, I can’t understand why anyone would put an age on their profile like that if it wasn’t true. I mean people say they’re younger than they are all the time but older? Come on folks, just put a moments thought into that. The only time people every say they are older than they really are is when they’re not yet legal! So way past that!)



you really dont look 50, good job lol

(OK, ty but I’m not really working too hard not to look 50…)



mo bounce indeed!

(There are many times that I regret taking on the mantle of this ID, an old Zapp song that I enjoyed & related to, since there is more to me than the just the “bounce” but I’ve had it so long that I can’t see changing it now but those who know me, and there are many, just call me Mo…)



lovely lovlies my dear

(OK, vague & inclusive enough not to be offensive)



34M chicago w/cam...If you like big COCK'S come play with mine!

(Don’t you just love the way he puts cock all in caps like that’s supposed to let you know how big it is? He can cap cocks but not Chicago? AND he gives it ownership rather than plurality. LOL and by the end he’s so excited with himself that he exclaims it! Come on folks, find humor where ya can, right?)



hi 21/m how are u?

(Again, younger than my son)



shear beauty indeed:)

(yes, it’s a nice complement but his kind of shear leaves me entirely hairless, not translucent)



From HarleyRK2008: hi m52 usa

(next)

u cum yet?

(what, was I supposed to cream just because he pmed me?)



bounce is good

(Yes I am & it is)



do you have a nice thick phat ass?

(Yes, and you can admire it as I walk away…)



alone ?

(In a virtual room full of people and not playing in boxes so, um, no…)



you like getting worked really nasty dont you

(Sure I do, that’s why I work for the IRS during tax season)



yoiur hot to be 50 you have very pretty eyes

(Ah, a combination of two of the previous PMs, I so miss creativity)



hi , 32 male + cam here , NY

(So?)



comes from the back, slowly lifts ur skirt and slaps ur ass hard

(Turns around, lays my hand over your cock, grips firmly as I smile a slow, naughty smile before I yank that crank like an old car)



hello...19 male kansas...how are you?

(Hell, betting this one doesn’t even have chest hair yet. Go home pup, you’re momma still needs to clean the milk off your face)



Hello......would you like to chat? 35/male/usa with a mic and cam sitting here playing with myself

(Well hell, if you’re playing with yourself what the hell do you need me for? You’re gonna do that with or without me!)



like to roleplay? horny?

(Yes I do, yes I am but NOT with you!)



hello mobounce. what brought you online tonight? do yu enjoy roleplaying wild scenes or just chatting?

(I believe I got here by way of my ISP, I could be wrong, it may have been the aliens, who knows but I somewhat recall something about an anal probe…? Hmm, might just be imagining things though. And again, am I not in a chat room chatting? Why pose questions that answer themselves?)



do u think most women would want 2 men at once? like men want 2 women,,etc

(Maybe, depends on her mood & how versatile they can be)



hi mo, do you like the idea of having a cuckold?

(no, I don’t care for the idea of ‘getting over’ on anyone. I’m not that inconsiderate or uncaring as to set out to hurt another person whether I am with him or not. Should I feel the need to be with another you can bet I’d finish the first relationship before involving someone else at that level That’s what adults do. I’m a long term kind of person, I do not take relationships casually)



naughty?nice?both?

(who the hell is just one or the other? We’re all both!)



Dominant male 30. Intellectual and down to earth. Looking for a submissive a willing female 18+.

(Hahahahahahaahhhaaaaa! Submissive? Me? Nope!)



hello how are you? are you into detailed ageplay? i'm jesse 50 m ca i'm looking for someone who is into detailed ageplays where you play as my young daughter and it is your brithday this weekend and were going to spend it together at my new house in the city. i'm on my way down to pick you up from your mothers house but what you don't know is that i have a big surprise for you waiting for you at my new house just for you.

(I have a surprise for you too Daddy, before you came to pick me up I called the show “to catch a preditor” and they’ve set a hidden camera up at your place… See, I can play let’s pretend too!)



hi older male nude on cam wan to play

(Why is it when I read this suddenly the voice & image of Herbert from Family Guy popped into my head…?)



may i ask if u r married and white

(yes & only during non pool season)



strokin y?

(I suppose the y was supposed to be short for ‘you?’ But I think short for ‘why?’ is the better question)



I love your looks

(gee, thanks. God knows I wouldn’t want to be someone walking the earth who was a displeasure to your eyes… Like I really give a flying fuck)



u a milf

(no, that’d be my sister, I prefer adult males who share common interests with me, not my son)



hello where you from ?

(he gets my message about only chatting in the room…)

no to much drama havea good day

(were there soap opera auditions in the room that day that I didn’t know about? Ah well, I’m sure he wasn’t part of the union anyway…)





wanna play with us? couple here on cam...interested?

(no)



Good evening. Are you interested in some intellectual, humorous and perhaps erotic chat (seducing the mind can be nearly as pleasureable as seducing the body)? 47 and married

(Yes I certainly do enjoy those kinds of conversations, yes I do agree but I am a hell of a lot more selective about my companion for such ventures. I must then decline the invitation, thank you.)



hey there sexy how would you like to see a picture of my hard cock as i tell you what i would love to do to you with it?

(At least the one before knew that it’s what’s between the ears that counts first & most rather than what’s between a guys legs. Doubt this one will ever get that epiphany even if someone smacks him in the head with his camera & besides, he wants to send a pic? Betting the cock in it isn’t even his!)



hi do u want to see somthing very hot?

(about as close as he’ll get to hot is if he strikes a match)



sad rooms these theres just no sexcitement in em :(----- how i miss those fetish rooms mmmmmmmm they wur the rooms ;)

(yes they were but the one I was in had pretty much the same conversations as we do here with just a bit more spice now & then. *grins*)



Certainly more to you than just 'mo bounce', so please accept my compliments and kindness. *Wink*

(Another one that is a pleasure to receive)



let me bounce them

(Sure, right after I crack those)



are u horny tonite..?

(as a Tijuana brass band but not for you)



Hello : are you interested in chat with a fun, older man ? artist, nudist, single

(I’m just curious how many more adjectives he can use before he covers it all)



Your my young teen girlfriend from a really rough violent neighbourhood, everytime you come over to my place its the same bullshit..we argue..and you resist..but I always end up fucking you up the ass..you hate it..it makes you feel really uncomfortable..you fucking hate yourself for always letting me do it..this saturday its different, your determined not to take it up the ass!..i open my front door.. towering huge over you..staring to your already scowling face caked in make-up..i smirk down seeing you pissed

(I whip out the small pistol I’d had hidden in my shorts pocket, shove it into your now non smirking face, march you to the bedroom where I cuff you bent over the hot water radiator in the corner. I break a half empty bottle of whiskey I’d found sitting on your table at your bare feet to keep you from moving them as I then roughly drag your shorts down over your ass. “You’re gonna remember this night fucker!” I yell as I pull down the front of my own shorts, letting you see the big dry strap on cock that I got just for you. Your face goes from red fury to pale then green as what I’m going to do really sinks in. I can see you’re thinking about yelling but I ask sweetly, “You sure you want to be found like this?” Your mouth snaps shut. I can see you’re the one pissed now & I smile as I walk up behind you, spit on the crack of your ass & use the head of the cock to smear it down to your virgin hole before I plow into you. “Tonight you’re MY bitch fucker!”)



hi there, do you like to watch guys stroke on cam?

(I have & I do but again, not you!)



my gf42 and i m32 are looking for a gf,hello

(Try Craigslist)



wanna c my cock cum?

(Does this mean he’s masturbating the rooster again?)



you in ohio?.... by toledo?

(Checks profile to make sure, yep, Ohio, Southwest – no where near Toledo you geographical fuckwit)



take a peek,,,u'll enjoy

(I enjoyed it more not have looked but you can pretend I did if you’d like)



i near OH too how u?

(Somehow I doubt he means anywhere here in the US)



hello care to chat (He got my message &…) nope sorry im better that that

(Some just don’t want to deal with the bots but this one thinks he’s too good to talk in the room, hmm)



*You are a young peasant girl. I am a Nobel. One day as I am riding though your village on my horse, I spot you doing some work. I ride up to you and ask, "Wench! Why are you crying???". You reply that your family's crop failed and that you are going hungry. I then reply, "Really??? I will be willing to give you loaf of bread if you prove to me that you are REALLY hungry. Prove to me that you are desperate enough to eat my cummmmmm........*

(I’d rather shoot the horse that way I can feed my whole family)



hi mom, what are you up too? sitting down on the couch next to you

(Hi son, you have too much free time on your hands I see, GET A JOB!)



19m with pics...Looking for an older F;) Hi

(Baby pictures, go away kid, ya bother me!)



Hello. I am 48, male, Iowa. Experienced Master seeking a lady that LONGS to be developed as an online sub. Would that be you?

(LMAO! Another comedian in the house! Is it pro/am night here at the chat room comedy club?)



a dirty slut?

(oh! A word game right?! Umm, lemme guess, opposites… a clean nun? What are we playing for?)



Hi how r u? 36/m/ca R u curious in being a slave?

(Hmm, think this question was ever asked of those through history who were slaves? And if so, think my answer would be any different than theirs would have been had they been asked?)



you definietly have big ones like my sis

(Then go message her! Leave me the hell alone)



jacking off on cam.....do u like/want to watch

(there’s an original activity – no thanks)



hey you in to gangbangs, bukkakes, incest, animals or mic/phonesex?

(Alex, I’ll take F… None of the above.)



are you married and horny

(Aren’t those synonymies?)



I like to tie your hands behind your back as i rip your cloths off u and kiss your open mouth

(Again, could be the lead in to an interesting scenario with someone I wanted to play this game with but he doesn’t go into chat rooms, probably what I like best about him)



18 m from boston love older women

(Ewwww!! Creepy! No Appeal! Dude, get a damned life! Get off the computer & live damn it!)



hi i'm 30/m i love mature pussy

(obviously from an immature asshole)



wow you looking stunningly gorgeous in those pictures of yours mobounce hard to believe your 47 you surely dont look your age

(nice compliment but again he looked at the pics & didn’t read the page, it says I’m 50 so I am even more remarkable for still looking good three years older! LMAO)



u horny babe?? coz i got a serrious hard on

(…and I was supposed to have cared starting when?)



Hello. hope you are havinga good night. It might be fun getting to know each other.

(then chat in the room, get to know everyone, that’s how you get to know me)



Hiya!! Wanna cam with me? I'll show everything and you dont have to show anything. Fair?

(What a bargain! I could just turn his cam on & walk away or I could just walk away… think I choose the last one there)



your watching tv wearing a short skirt and a low cut tight top as your son sitting across from you as you cross your legs you see him stealing glances at your cleavage and legs and you then....

(I throw the remote at him, smacking him in the head as I yell at him to get a damned life!)



do you like horny young men

(If they’re young they’re horny & yes, some of them I like though not because of either)



You have by far the most amazing eyes i Yahoo history

(In all of Yahoo history? Was there a poll I was unaware of here?)



hi 47 male here 3 inch cock

(LOL, using that worm as bait are ya?)



wow MO -- I love your sexy eyes -- I would like to cum for you ... what do you think ?

(I think you’d better be happy with just having the pics watch you)



wow - you are absolutely stunning

(Thank you)



Hello there, mobounce... I'm looking for somebody who might be interested in having a little bit of fun tonight, possibly, maybe. If you'd like, please feel free to write me back. And if not, well, then that's okay too. Either way, thanks, and have a good night!

(Polite trolling… LOL)



Hi how does it feel to know you made a young guy hard

(Really? A breeze can do that! Not impressed)



Girls night out with your friends...you have had 4-5 drinks too many....I watch you stumble down the dark hallway at the back of the bar....follow you into the mensroom...locking the door behind me....You take a wrong turn, I ask?
Before you can react, I shove you facefirst against the filthy wall....cuffing your hands to pipes overhead.....my hands slide over your body...ripping your tight black dress open...letting it hang on you....mmmmm....no bra...no panties...you slut, I laugh....

(Why is it a common fantasy of some men to make women submissive victims, especially with violent overtones? Besides, this would NEVER happen. Women go to the bathroom in packs in bars! Probably for this very reason)



*looks you over thoughtfully and considers using my incredibly mad science to turn you into a giant!*

(now THAT’S original!)



And with that I’ll close the first installment of my private message blog. Is it any wonder that I don’t take PMs? I’m sure there will be more to come over time.

Give Me A Sign

Music is a huge part of my life, it always has been.  I listen to it almost all the time.  I sort of soundtrack my life with it.  Often there are songs that captures my mood or feelings at a certain times.  From time to time I'll be making other blogs like this of music that do a better job of saying what I'm just not exactly up to expressing on my own.  This is one that is expressive for me in particular right now...



Give Me A Sign by Breaking Benjamin


Dead star shine
Light up the sky
I'm all out of breath
My walls are closing in
Days go by
Give me a sign
Come back to the end
The shepherd of the damned

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever - and ever
the scars will remain
I'm falling apart
Leave me here forever in the dark

Daylight dies
Blackout the sky
Does anyone care?
Is anybody there?
Take this life
Empty inside
I'm already dead
I'll rise to fall again

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever - and ever
the scars will remain
I'm falling apart
Leave me here forever in the dark

God help me I've come undone
Out of the light of the sun
God help me I've come undone
Out of the light of the sun

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever - and ever
the scars will remain

Give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood
Just give me a sign
there's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood
Just give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood

Forever - and ever
The scars will remain...