A Family Christmas

Well the worst of the holidays are over! Only new years to get through & that's not that hard. Christmas was a definite mixed bag this year. The events leading up to it have certainly shifted my relationship with my sister irrevocably. When we all first started off & Rodney & I got our house first we had everyone over for both Thanksgiving and then again for Christmas Eve & Christmas day dinner. We did that for years! Then once Debbie got herself together & decided she wanted to add to things we would switch off Thanksgiving & Christmas dinners. But for the last few years with all the financial stuff going on with us for a while we did Thanksgiving at home then Christmas at her house. For some reason or other, I think it may have been because Scott came up early one year, we started having both Thanksgiving & Christmas at Debbie's. Of course she was never put upon to do all the cooking. I certainly brought my fair share plus since I notoriously overdue when it comes to cooking though it was eaten less & less by them. Seems Debbie was always gearing the meals to what her kids would or wouldn't eat. I like the tried & true but I like to try new things too. Since they are both adults and there are others at the meal I don't see why that was supposed to continue. This past Thanksgiving about the only thing that I brought that they ate, and Debbie squirreled a lot away for Trevor as usual, were my rolls. So here Christmas is coming & I notice Debbie isn't saying anything about what she plans to make, what she wants me to bring or anything. Unusual. Of course she's not obligated to do the meal, she never has been, and if at any time she would have said, 'Hey, I'm just not up to it.' it would have been all good. I mean it's not like I can't do our own, I did it for years & still do a lot of our meals weekly and the majority are home made not from box stuff too so I am & always have been more capable of it than even she is. What pissed me off & has changed my feelings for my sister is that she said nothing. Not a word. Not that she didn't feel up to it, not that I might think of making my own plans or anything. Had I not just had this nagging feeling that something was off I would have assumed it was business as usual & only gotten what I needed to make the dishes that I planned on taking and would have been left without the meat for the meal. But as I said, I had a suspicion so I bought a roast. Just to check my suspicions I called my sister on Christmas Eve & talked to her about nothing in particular for almost two hours to see if she'd say anything. Again, no invitation, no mention of the meal at all. Now how damned sad is it to not even say anything to give the person the chance to cover their own meal. That's just sorry behavior from anyone, no less from someone who is supposed to care about you, your own sister. I suppose, as usual, it's my own fault for feeling hurt simply because I expected her to behave as I would have & I forgot again that she might not because she's not me. I could never do that to another person, especially not someone I care for. We all hold others to our standard either of what we might do or what we expect others to do for us so it's little wonder that people disappoint us so often simply because they are NOT us. They don't have to be. The thing we have to do is remind ourselves that it's likely we have disappointed people with our behavior sometimes too. But anyway, I went about making my meal & baking & things to give to my sister & her family just the same. I have to answer to myself so I won't allow her to change my sense of right & wrong. I don't play the retribution games that some others might. If I don't like a behavior I don't partake in it myself. Serves nothing to spread that kind of negativity. The next day she called for something & I flat asked her if we were invited for dinner or not. She said that if we wanted to come she could feed us but that she didn't have much. She just didn't feel up to doing a lot because of all the stress she'd been under this year... I'm thinking, really? Let's see, was it her who almost died a couple months ago? Was it her mother in law who just died a month ago? Has she been fighting to stay afloat financially? Was her relationship as unsustaining as mine is? The answer to all of those is a resounding NO!!! Why my sister does the things that she does has always been a mystery but make no mistake, it's never accidental hurt that she causes, never has been. She took the worst qualities of our mother and somehow managed to intensify them to a whole new level. Where she's nice & generous she's ridiculously over the top. (I've never been privy to that stage) When she views you as less than desirable the only time she can tolerate you is if you can do something for her. (This is where I live in her heart & mind) Anything that I do for her is owed to her because she thinks its her due, not because I genuinely care for her, which I have always & still do in spite of herself. Back to the conversation... I told her that I had plenty of food to bring if she wanted me to. She said that we could do whatever we wanted but she then added the addendum to the statement by going on about how sometime that day she was going to have to get to a lady she works with house to drop off all the gifts that she got for her kids. (That person is on Debbie's highly generous level, at least for the moment) Which was just another way of saying; I'd rather be around you & yours as little as possible thank you. So I said that we'd eat our meals at our own homes & we'd drop their gifts off later. From this point on I will make my own holiday meals & we will drop off their gift on Christmas Eve and that will be the end of it. Needless to say, it was a bit tense; at least it was for me, when we did get over to her house. I kept prodding them to open the gifts so that we could be on our way out. Kind of hard to feel comfortable where you don't exactly feel welcome. When I was in the hospital I was talking to my brother & he got upset with me that when I needed help, such as to borrow money for a short time, why I didn't come to him. I explained to him that I come to him every time I need the important stuff. Someone to listen, someone to disagree with & still be sure that they loved me & I love them when we don't see eye to eye, someone to just be easy & bs with. He's my best friend so he always is there to help in all the important ways. I only go to Debbie when I have no choice, no other options because she's always made the cost of asking too high. Seems the cost is always a chunk of my dignity. She's very practiced at looking down her nose at people & she doesn't exclude family. I know the psychological edict that says what she is doing is called leveling. That the way to elevate herself by putting others down. That being the case then she should be one of the most conceited things walking the planet - which I think she often comes too close to being. I could also suggest that my medical run in with death yet again might have frightened her to the point where she is acting out of self preservation, a common emotional trick that we play when we know that we are in danger of losing something or someone important to us so we protect ourselves by moving away from it before the loss because we fool ourselves into believing that when the loss came it would hurt less if we weren't as close to it. But of course you also see what I'm doing, what I always do. Trying to not only figure out the puzzle but why the pieces are shaped the way they are. Making excuses for behavior that is inexcusable. It's not bad to do that for the occasional oddity but when the actions are habitual there does come a point where it is no longer something to be tolerated. Given the situation then I have to exercise my own preservation. If I can't physically be away from her all the time then I can move myself emotionally away & not engage her or the behavior when I can avoid it. As it was with my mother it is the same with my sister. It's not that I don't love her a great deal, I do & always will; I just don't like her very much. My mother & sister both needed help & support that I can't provide. I'm simply not trained to do so. There has been & still are many things that I offer to those in my life who want it but I don't force it nor will I again tolerate being abused for having an open heart like I did with my mother. Far too many scars there to subject myself to more filleting if I can avoid it. Still, it strikes me how sad it is that she has cut herself away from the relationship we could have. But I suppose there is no forcing someone to value us as we hope that we might be valued by them. All we can do is decide whether or not we allow the relationship to go on as it is, change it or end it. In the end we are the ones with all the choices as well as the consequences.

But other than this one issue it wasn't a bad day. Still happy that it's over with for another year all the same. Everyone got almost all that they wanted and then some. I start back to work full time tomorrow so there will be a bright new shiny computer somewhere in my future. Bring on spring!

The Limitations Of Friendship

I will never retract the gift of my friendship once I have given it, which is the reason I am so discerning in whom I offer it to, but there is a point in which I will no longer continue to actively pursue, patiently request or meekly wait to be given that which I have honestly earned.  At such point you may continue to depend on me but the truest value of the gift has been depreciated.  I will reserve myself out of protective preservation; no longer appealing for nor trusting in reciprocity.  I’ll take on the task of looking out for my own heart, if you’ve proven unable or unwilling, as well as looking out for yours.  This is the deepest and truest essence of who I am.  I can’t compromise how I define my connections simply because they don’t concur with yours.

My Muse

My Muse

Let me give a bit of history about myself first. I am the kind of person that can only be emotionally bound to one person at a time & I’m not the short term or casual relationship type at all. Sometimes I’ve wished that I could be but my personal emotional focus is just too narrow. I’ve been married for 26 years to a man I have known for almost 36 years & he was the first man I ever dated seriously. (Of course at that time in my life my choices were next to non-existent because I was the friend kind to the guys, not dating material.) When I commit to something I am extremely focused on that commitment. It takes a great deal to redirect my heart and believe me when I say that I am way to stubborn & tenacious to be the one who turns away first or without a fight. I have been on the internet for 13+ years & in that time I have had countless propositions. Most of the kind that aren’t worth the letters it took to spell them out. Some from those who wanted to be close to me but I felt no connection other than an acquaintance or friend. If that had been my goal then I would have taken that option during the time when I had two Yahoo group that I started to share my interests, links, stories & information that grew to one with over 3000 members and the other that was over 500 members; even with all that, at no time did I ever have someone come into my realm that I wanted or who sparked my attention. I was here for my own enjoyment and pleasure. I liked to share it generally speaking but I didn’t care to personalize the experience to a one on one basis. That is still the case even now. I don’t say this to sound conceited; a concept that is alien to me since I was very shy & introverted through a majority of my life. My appearance and attitudes as they are now didn’t take shape till more recently in my life. I have turned down many men who claimed to want me, care for me but who never knew me. All they knew or cared about was the fantasy person they imagined me to be. They had no clue who I was & I frankly didn’t have the time or inclination to correct them. In my comprehending that reality it made it easy to shut them out. There was one who I found at least interesting but it didn’t take me long to find we could only be casual friends because his focus was only ever on himself. No depth. Sweet man and he’ll readily admit his flaws but not my type at all. It was while I was finding out the character of this man that another slipped into my life unexpectedly…



It’s not something I set out to do, fall in love with him that is and it certainly hasn’t happened overnight. We’ve known each other around 4 years now. As a matter of fact, even though I felt the draw from the beginning, I worked very hard to keep a distance, keep things ‘real’. When we’d first met I had a lot of not so great things going on in my life, my relationship was rapidly unraveling, so I wasn’t all that confident in my perceptions or judgments. I knew I was vulnerable. I have a few close friends but I’m one of those people who keep things to my self. I don’t seek others out to lay my burdens on their shoulders. Keeping my own counsel is pretty much all I’ve ever known. Writing has always been my outlet throughout my life & it’s the first thing I do when I’m trying to work things out for myself. I used to write private journals, I still have one for my self alone but I try to do some things within blogs these days as I can. Blogs are what we write when we wish others would ask us to share with them but very few bother to ask or care. How fortunate I was when he stumbled across my page & asked to be my friend. The funny thing is that I don’t add people that I don’t already know, just my tried & true rule, but I saw his beautiful face, read his description of himself & felt there was not only common interests but there was something special about him, even then. They say that people come into you life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. There’s no telling which a person is immediately though sometimes we get a sense of finding in someone something that we are missing, need, admire or can give. With him I found all of that & more. Yet I still don’t know him as I should. I am an internet veteran & far from unintelligent so I don’t take much at face value, I use my instincts as well as ask questions to get as much information as I can. It’s not like I don’t have a world of questions that I’d like to ask him, I just haven’t felt that was the way to get the answers from him. With him I have followed only my instincts alone, allowing him to provide the information that he will. Some things he’s told me but I readily admit that most of what I know, or feel I know is what I have concluded on my own. I have no idea to what extent I am correct or incorrect but I have always had a pretty accurate ability to read people, some think eerily so. I’ve placed a great deal of trust in him. I wonder if he truly comprehends the actual scope of it. And the demon sits on my shoulder and asks, ‘What if he simply doesn’t care about the scope of it. What if it’s all in your head, a fantasy of what I wish it to be rather than reality.” This is the hardest part about a connection that is mainly online. The uncertainty is crushing sometimes. I have thought about backing off, stepping away if only to save myself the pain of his not being mine. Not mine, not mine – the thought slices through me often. It’s the intensity of the need and longing that he was mine that stains my thoughts & heart.



He first made his way into my heart by actually caring enough to read my blogs & comment when I felt most lost in the world. I’d filet my soul in a blog that no one but he would ever bothered to read and every time he was there encouraging me, reaching out to me when I felt alone, when I really was alone. He cared when I didn’t feel worthy of it & he made me smile when I needed to most. I’ve tried to be the same for him as much as he’ll allow me to be. There’s always been a strong attraction which has continued to sharpen to an excruciating razors edge but it’s been this bond, our connection, which has grown stronger, albeit gradually, over time. He has so far proven to be worth my patience and I hope that I have been worth his.



I love him… God help me, I honestly do. He fills my thoughts constantly. He has become my muse. I write about being with him since I can’t be. I think of him when I need to smile. I worry about him when he’s away. He’s the first person I think of when I find something interesting that I’d like to share. There are these odd instances when I feel him more deeply than others & at those same moments he’ll text, message or write. It’s like I can feel his thoughts on me. I have a heart-bond to him; an emotional investment in his life. More than anything I want him to be happy. I’d give much if it were me who could do that but even if I couldn’t then I would still want him to find it where ever it might be, with whomever it might be with though I readily admit I don’t want details if it isn’t about me. I’m no masochist; I don’t take pleasure in pain. I’ve never held back telling him most of my feelings. I’ve been compelled to be very honest, he deserves that. Even though I sometimes anticipate it, he’s never turned me away though I suppose that I often expect that he will - eventually. I’ve given him plenty of opportunities to walk away but he’s yet to do so though that might also be relevant to the fact that I demand little of him. I realize that perhaps I might not think I deserve more or I’m afraid that if I would ask he just might not care to meet the demand; neither have I stirred a strong desire in him to pursue. Standing still is just one short turn to moving away is it not? But I can’t help feeling that anything that isn’t given freely isn’t worth having. I read a quote just today that said, “You try to give away what you want for yourself.” This is very true. I want to pour into him all that I wish him to pour back into me. What I give of myself to him I do so willingly, without expectation but because I simply desire to do so. My side seems to be the opening of the Hoover damn or Angel Falls so I am, of course, concerned about drowning the man; while his… well, lets just say I’m very thirsty for more of him because of what he’s allowed me to drink but I feel insatiable where he is concerned. This is the largest flaw in our connection and one that torments me most although I am grateful for the progress I’ve gained with time & persistence. In the beginning he wouldn’t let me in; kept me at a safe distance yet acted like he wanted more. I told him that if we were to be friends he had to try, even though it was against his nature, he must try to let me in or we could go no further. There were times when I couldn’t penetrate the wall he built around himself and I couldn’t have a friendship with someone who made it a singular fruitless quest. I’d begin to retreat from the connection I felt with him but he would reach out to stop me so I kept trying to break through. Still continuing to break through. Little by little this bond has grown; forged through a sort of tempering of wills, though as I said, I wonder if it is not of more substance in my mind than in fact. I have to admit I fear the pain I’ve given him the power to inflict and he doesn’t seem willing or able to assure me. I get small encouragements here & there but I often feel like I’ve coerced those. Again I wonder - do I expect more than he’s able to give. The answer torments me and the demon whispers, “very likely yes.” But then I have to look into myself & ask what it is that I actually do expect and the only clear answer I can find is - more than I have now. And again the demon whispers, “Yep, that’s exactly what will turn him away.” And indeed it might. But if that should happen then for a while some small part of him was mine briefly & I’ll find a way to push it down & move on. It’s what I know how to do best.



Love is something that’s offered, it’s up to the object of that affection to accept it or not. It makes little difference in changing the emotion that’s felt by the one feeling it. But I do love him even though he seems somewhat uncomfortable if I say it to him. The man he lets me know, the one I’m still discovering, the one I imagine; the man he tries to hide, the one I see despite it. The man he fears he is to the one he’s yet to be. From the exalted heights of all he encompasses to the damning depths of his personal hell. I see all that he is with my eyes & heart wide open; the beauty & the beast all rolled up into one and he takes my breath away! I look in his eyes & I see his soul; criss-crossed with the scars of his life like a road map that I don’t think many, if any, have looked close enough to read if they are even capable of doing so. I want to follow & sooth each line, learning the topography hidden in those dark depths. If he had been born in another place and time, history would have heralded his life. He would have carved his name in time and changed the world with his convictions & principles that it should be better & more than what it was. He is a true renaissance man trying to exist in a time that doesn’t quite fit him. I think if there is such a thing as reincarnation he was once Alexander the Great or Michelangelo; visionaries who used their life to make their ideals reality at great personal cost but with a greater strength than the common man as well as a healthy dose of arrogance in their own visions. But he is very much a man, one with feet of clay like the rest of us. He has his faults, fears and more crosses to bear than most; all of which cements his tenacity. So with all that haunts my heart where he is concerned about how he might feel about me the thing that is most obvious, most striking in all of this is, being who & what he is, how could I do anything BUT love him; even if it isn’t balanced or to my advantage. He is my muse, my light & my dark, my bane & my inspiration. For all the emotion he engenders in me on either side of the scale the absolute certainty in this is that he makes me feel deeply; which is the most precious fragrance in the spice of life. There are no roses without the thorns.

Lost

Lost

Desire burns me hollow

Longing eats my soul

My thoughts are my own torture

My heart has paid the toll

The face of my dark angel

Smiles sweet behind my eyes

He’ll never rest within my arms

Or be clasped between my thighs

Not mine for those ‘I love you’s

Not mine to need him near

Betrayed by my own wanting

Darkness must hold my tears

It’s within the realm of darkness

My needs allowed to reign

Where I can feel him in my heart

By feeling too the pain.

I wish that his desires

Might match those of my own

His passions burn a gentle blaze

While I’m consumed alone

Could I save myself from yearning?

As if I wanted to

My beautiful dark angel

I’m already lost in you.

*Listening to:  Lost by Red
&
Familiar Taste of Poison by Halestorm

Fathers

Fathers




I had an event reminder pop up on my calendar for the week that brought about a bit of reflection so I decided to sit down & write about something that I’ve meant to for some time – fathers. For some reason in today’s world we don’t put as much emphasis on the importance of fathers in a child’s life. Now I’m not saying that just any man will do. He may or may not be the biological sire in fact though if you’re going to create them you should be there for them. Being that the times are what they are today there is very little excuse to creating a life by accident. No one is ignorant of how children get here of how to prevent it. It seems laziness or irresponsibility is the main culprits these days. Anyway… I am talking about one who is plugged in & active with his child’s life. Having grown up without mine around I can tell you that even if they say you never truly miss what you never had I absolutely missed not having my father there. Yes, it’s likely I missed more the ideal of what I thought a father should be more so than the actual man who sired me was. The real person was flawed. We’re all flawed to one degree or another but some are more so than others. My father chose not to be a part of my life. Now I can make excuses for him… He & my mother had gotten married far too young & he hadn’t been ready for the responsibilities of parenting or marriage for that matter. (And no, my mother actually wasn’t pregnant prior to their getting married, they were just the tragic teen age loves who thought that love had only ever really existed until they came together) My mother became such a pain in the ass that he decided he didn’t want to deal with her anymore. His mother never liked my mom & he was such a momma’s boy that eventually heeded his mother telling him that my mom was trapping him, holding him back. He had other things he wanted from his life & somehow through the course of living he just lost touch. It was too daunting a task so he fled. All of the above are true, the cumulative list relevant to varying degrees as to why he wasn’t there. What it comes down to is that they really don’t matter; he still decided NOT to be there, ever. There were no calls, no visitation, no cards, and no contact whatsoever. Not from him or his family.



I can also say that perhaps if he let these things separate him from my life then it’s also very likely I am a better person for him having NOT been there. I’ll never know though will I. I was never given a choice. All I knew of what a father might be like came when I was 6 years old from one of my mother’s boyfriends made a habit of walking me to school, listening to me, answering my questions & loving me - proud to have been seen as my father even if he wasn’t when my father wasn’t there. Unfortunately that relationship didn’t last with my mother either so he left my life as well. He’d been a Marine & I still have the Marine amulet that had been his that he gave me to remember him by. It broke my heart even more when just a couple years after their break up we learned he’d been accidentally killed while hunting. He’d been the closest thing I’d ever had to a father in my life, even if it had only been for too short a period of time.



The only memory I have of my father was during his father’s funeral when I was about 3 or 4 years old. I don’t remember his face, only that I was happy to see him. He picked me up, said “There’s my girl” & held me. I remember hugging him & that he cried. I don’t know if it was for me or for his father dying. I also remember going home with my mother afterwards where my grandmother had asked if we’d seen him there. I very clearly remember Mom replying in a disgusted voice, “Yes, the bastard had the nerve to pick her up & cry.” That inflammatory statement has lingered in my head all my life. Even if she wasn’t the happiest person I think to some degree she had the right to her bitterness against him because he didn’t step up to be a father to his child regardless of his relationship with her. I’m sure some of her disdain came from the disappointment in her self for being wrong in the choice she had made in the man she had wanted in her life who she had hoped would be more than what he was. Not that it’s ever an easy pill to swallow but it must be especially bitter to one who is still only a teenager. Let me tell you that my mother was no saint either. Growing up with her I could see why someone would want to be away from her. She often made a point, though it’s only me who’s old enough to remember, that if she’d been given the choice she might not have stayed with her children either.



I missed my father even more as my mother & I failed to bond & even more so in my teen years when we outright clashed. I longed to be rescued from that misery. I could see why he hadn’t wanted to be with her but in escaping for him self he’d left me to fend for myself & I was only a child. I couldn’t leave nor did I have the assurance that at least one parent loved me when the other didn’t, which felt like most of the time… I mourned his absence most during these years. I wondered if he ever thought of me, remembered my birthday, and imagined what my life might be like, what he might be missing by not being a part of it. It was during this time that I did try to find him. I managed to find a distant cousin who was very much into the genealogy of the family, even collecting information so that our particular branch could be traced back to the original immigrant ancestor who came here from Germany in 1756. (Was interesting to find our family’s genealogy in a book at our local library & now online) It was also at that time that I found that there was a common trait amongst some of the men of my fathers immediate branch of the family, uncles in particular, the trait of fathers who leave their families. How sad. His father, my grandfather, had never left so I couldn’t understand why he thought it was ok. Anyway, I did manage to contact a couple of my father’s sisters & even his mother, my grandmother. Even though I talked to them a couple times via the phone I’d not been a regular part of their life as I’d grown up so it wasn’t hard for me to slip back into obscurity. What I’d found out was that I wasn’t alone. My father had disappeared & not had contact with the rest of his family as well. Or at least that’s what I was told. I couldn’t help think that they owed me no loyalty so I had to take what I was being told with a grain of doubt. Besides, just as they with me, I had no reason to blindly trust these people. He’d last been known to be in Colorado but that was decades ago so I’ve no idea if he’s dead or alive now.



It was more than apparent to me that he had no desire to be connected with me. My family had stayed in the same area all my life so it’s not like I couldn’t have been found had he wanted to. I think all children have an idealistic idea of what parents should be. They believe the fairytales & since they have no other experience of life outside that of their own they can’t fathom adult behavior. Even as adults we have difficulty with that. The only thing they know is that if they are happy then it must be good & if they aren’t then there must be something wrong, usually with them. As children we base our own self worth on how we are treated by those who are supposed to love us best. I wanted desperately to have a father like David Goldman, the father who fought with everything he was & had to bring his son home from Brazil. We want to believe that we are the most precious things in the world to our parents. The sad reality is that David Goldman is the fairytale. I grew up hearing my mother tell me that she had done the best for us that she could. What I realized later, as I finally put the reality against the fantasy, was that it wasn’t true. Sometimes we as parents we do all we can, other times we do just what gets us by. Other times we don’t do enough or all we should. Sometimes we fail & do nothing at all. And then there are the times that we go above & beyond what is expected. Hopefully somewhere in there is a balance. But then there’s another variable, some people should be parents & some shouldn’t. This tips the balance considerably. At least with two parents one often compensates for the other. Again, there are exceptions to either side. I’m not negating the role the child’s personality plays but it’s the parents who write on the blank slate of who & what a child is & will become. (That last is a Dr. Phil-ism for those who have heard it before & for those who haven’t but should)



I guess I wonder why it is so easy for so many fathers to walk away from their children. I’ve seen so many stories in the news over the years where a child turns up missing and/or ends up dead. Too often the culprit is the live in boyfriend. Somewhere along the line you’ll hear the father in the reports talking about how his ex should have not let the guy near his kids. How he never liked the men his ex had in her life around his kids. Funny thing is that these same ‘fathers’ were never there for the kids. If they had been & some jerk that he didn’t trust came around his kids he would have found a way to take them in himself. Usually the woman hooks up with the guy to help pay the bills & support her & her kids because ‘daddy’ isn’t there to do it or he is nearby but won’t help. What an incredibly sad & tragic irony that turns out being. Again, that isn’t always the case. There are some men out there who step up and become the very best fathers to children who become theirs solely out of love alone.



A while back my cousin, who I mentioned before that is into all the genealogy stuff, emailed me. He told me that he had found the address of a man who might be my father who was living in CO. Decades have passed since I’d last tried to find my father. Over that time I’d made peace that he was never going to be a part of my life. Not only because he’d removed himself but by now I’d decided he had no right to benefit from a life he’d never been a part of – mine. I told my cousin thank you but no thanks. He said that perhaps I might have questions that I wanted to ask my father if I could. I thought about that & again I decided no, his answered meant nothing to me now. My cousin went on to tell me that when he’d found his absent father he’d had a lot to ask & felt better for having had the chance to do so. Again I thought about it & realized that son’s seem to have that need more than daughters do. Understandable since a child bases what they should be from the same sex parent. Funny how sometimes they end up just like them when they admire that parent or the total opposite concerning the things they felt they failed at most. Example, a man who didn’t have a father around can decide to be the father to his children that he never had. Since he knew what was missing he’d know best what was needed. Another lesson I’ve learned is that more often than not those who make the wrong choices in life are some of the best teachers we can ever have. They show us first hand the consequences of bad choices… I believe that had it been my mother who had not been around I would have wanted to ask questions, to try & resolve for myself how a person could do something that I could never have considered. Although I’ve seen enough on talk shows to know that any time a mom leaves both sons & daughters need the answers to why. That’s because women aren’t expected to be the ones who leave, not that they don’t, just not to the degree that men do. Whereas, men are. Again, isn’t that a sad commentary on our society today. As a daughter I was supposed to learn from my father how a man should be expected to treat a woman by example of how he treated my mother & me. I would have based what qualities I deemed desirable from the rest of the men who entered my life on those that I loved best in my own father. Without that all I had to go on was a hope & a prayer that I had a clue to win the crap shoot & got it right. I guess what I learned best was what I didn’t want in a man rather than what I did. Let me say right here that there are fathers out there who are amazing! They are incredible with their son’s & their daughters are their treasures. The relationships they have with their children are rich & full even if they aren’t always perfect. It’s ok not to be perfect, again that’s something we teach by example to our children. I give those men all the credit & kudos that I’m sure they never get enough of. Thank you for choosing fatherhood!



Now, for those who aren’t in their children’s life for whatever reason that may be. There is still hope. Circumstances are unpredictable in life so perhaps you can’t control how much you are in that child’s life but it is up to you to do all you can to try to be. Stop making bullshit excuses about the ex, it doesn’t wash. If she won’t let you see your child or makes it hard then you have a choice. Set it up so that you are with a neutral third party. You DO have rights to your child if make the effort to exercise them rather than puss out & use her as a convenient excuse to bail on your responsibilities. Even if you’re not a part of that child’s daily routine make them part of yours! I have a friend who was getting ready to go into the military & he was going to be away from his two year old little girl. He was afraid that by the time he got back she wouldn’t know who he was. So I told him to do something I’d told a friend of mine who was a grandmother & who’s daughter had suddenly disappeared with her grand daughter to do so that one day when she did come back she’d know that she’d never been forgotten. Keep a journal for the child. Write in it regularly. Tell them what you’re doing in your life. How you’ve thought of them, what you hope for them, what you imagine they might be doing & how what you’d do if you could be there. Let them know, even if you can’t in any other way, that even if they weren’t there physically that you held them always in your heart. What does this cost you but time & it’s still less than what would have been required had you actually been there. Instead of pissing & moaning about the gifts, cards & letters that aren’t getting through, if you’re actually sending something that is, start a bank account on their behalf. The birthday money, Christmas gift money that you might have spent should go in there to help them out one day when they do come to you. And they will if you make sure you always let someone close to them know where you are. Again, that’s a choice you make that costs nothing but the effort but to that child – it will mean the world.



Oh, and the event – my father’s birthday is tomorrow. At least one of us remembers….

Friends

A lot has been going on in my life lately but I've told few exactly what it's been that's kept me quiet.  Earlier today a friend of mine caught me at a time when I felt like talking.  Of course he also made it easy by being so understanding.  There are a few things that we share in our individual life right now so perhaps that's why I was more open to talking to him about it.  We are only friends, no overtones of anything else to cloud or pollute this entirely honest & very revealing conversation.  I thought it was important to post this not only as a way of letting others who care about me know what is going on but also because its a true piece of reality that we all can relate to.  Haven't we all thought or even shared these very things, especially those of us in long term relationships.  If you ever want to know why things go astray, read the hearts of two on the edges of their own turning points...

Friend

I want to live somewhere warm!

Friend:

You ok mo?

♥Mo♥:

Just tired Friend, how are you?

Friend:

Ok thanks mo

Worst month of the year

And it's dragging

lol

♥Mo♥:

Amen Friend, I could sure use some sun therapy!

Friend:

Yes, a ll seems better when under the sun eh mo

♥Mo♥:

See, know I would be better able to deal with life if I lived where I had plenty of sun & heat. Must be a tropical person inside, don't do well in colder climate. Sorta like a plant I guess

Friend:

i am the same mo, i am really a positive person, but in winter, January mainly, my whole outlook is different, everything seems so damned pointless hehe

sun sun sun!!

♥Mo♥:

I think it's that during the winter there's just no release Friend, no way to escape all the bs like in the summer

Friend:

Agreed

♥Mo♥:

In the winter you're boxed in with it all, too close for comfort

No diversions

Dangerous place to be, alone with your thoughts too much

Friend:

Yes darlin, and i think people that feel and think a lot, can think themselves into darkness

♥Mo♥:

It’s always there Friend, perhaps those of us who live with it lurking crave the light even more

Friend:

yes mo, you are right, the trouble with me is, i promise myself I am going to do something about the misery of january, but then the sun arrives, and i forget how miserable i was,,until it's gone again, hehe.

but February is a short month mo,,,then spring is in the air

♥Mo♥:

Oh but Friend, think of what it must be like to live where the dark days of winter never really exist!

Wouldn’t that be awesome!

Friend:

Mo,, i would love it, and i would love it for you too

In Cyprus the sun shines nearly every day all year

♥Mo♥:

At this point though, think I might like doing that living thing on my own, that would be a new set of trials but that would have to be better than what I have right now

In New Mexico they say they have over 279 days of sun per year... oh how I'd love that

Friend:

Yes, and the water in the gulf is warm even in January, you would thrive mo

♥Mo♥:

Not Mexico Friend, New Mexico, the state next to Arizona, not quite as desserty in NM

I prefer to avoid hurricanes that hit in the gulf

Friend:

How far is that from where you are now mo?

lol, yes, hurricanes are BAD news

♥Mo♥:

Somewhere around 1500+ miles I think

Friend:

Wow! that's a trek

♥Mo♥:

Yes, it's in the SW portion of the US where as where I am now is NE

Friend:

So things aren't any better for you at home mo? you are not alone, lol.

♥Mo♥:

So it'd be a bishop move, nice diagonal

Friend:

lol!

♥Mo♥:

No Friend, not better at home & the man I've grown fond of is very busy with his job so I don't have that comfort either. Not that I'd ask

Have friends telling me I need to write about it, vent, but there are times when words just aren't the healing a soul needs you know

Friend:

Yes, i agree, words are powerful, but it has to lead to eventual actions, otherwise they become empty

Sometimes one needs something warm and real to cling to

♥Mo♥:

Its also bad when those that are there offer no comfort, only more emptiness

Friend:

It is, it feels like a type of punishment doesn't it mo

♥Mo♥:

Yes it does

Makes you question your choices as to why you remain
Friend:

Yes, i have those thoughts every day

It’s not living, more like existing at the moment

♥Mo♥:

Or trying to trudge through it... Not good when most feels like a struggle with little to no reward

We start to lose momentum

Friend:

Yes, and then get lost, and sink.

♥Mo♥:

Somehow Friend, we keep moving though, don't know why we keep hoping for more but somehow we do. Think we'll ever find it?

Friend:

Well, my friend is coming over March 17th mo, i will tell you how that goes when it happens, i am tired of going without affection, it ruins me.

Friend:

i am not sex mad by any standards, but there has to be some degree of physical contact and passion, life is empty without it

♥Mo♥:

I understand entirely & I hope it brings you what you need

I do hope that your path gets better lighting

Friend:

lol

lol!

♥Mo♥:

Just be prepared Friend, you risk a lot. I think that's why we both chose people at a distance, they were safer

but if they get close, we know where it must go and what we might lose

Friend:

I know, you are right, and i am worried

♥Mo♥:

You’d be insane not to be as well as a fool. I don't think you're either but I know your dilemma, I've thought of it too

Friend:

She has said to me she has no expectations other than to meet me, and be shown around and have fun

But who knows

Could be the worst, or best thing i have ever done

♥Mo♥:

Well, we're human Friend, not perfect. Never know what life is meant to bring us, all we can do is hope we get it right most of the time & learn when we get it wrong

Friend:

that’s about it mo, i cant help but wonder though, should we always settle for being discontent, just to avoid hurting others, should pursuit of ones own happiness always be last, i don't know.

♥Mo♥:

My special friend asked me the same question Friend. How often do we sacrifice our own happiness on behalf of others? When should we not & dare to think of ourselves. As I told him, that feels like the question I live asking myself every moment of my life & I've yet to come up with the answer but I still struggle with it

Friend:

I know that if i get to 80 years old, and I stay in the situating I am in right now until that day, I will be very sad and empty

♥Mo♥:

Then you're choice is already made Friend. The question is then how you walk away from that relationship.

♥Mo♥:

If you can truly say there is no chance that anything can be done to make it better then be done with it in more than just thought. That's where I am now. Working out how to move on if that is what I am going to do

As it stands is not acceptable

Friend:

that’s how i feel mo, but it is difficult isn't it

♥Mo♥:

Yes it is. very much so

♥Mo♥:

But then we weren't the ones who moved out of the relationship first were we

We just aren't content to live half a life

Friend:

That is exactly it mo x

Friend:

It was bearable going without contact for a long time, until I stopped trying myself, then something in me died

My mind is elsewhere now

I feel terrible that I have given up trying

But we can only all put so much in can't we mo

♥Mo♥:

Very true Friend, when all the effort is being made only on one side it wears us down

Friend:

Yes, and constant rejection, for whatever reason damned hurts, lol.

Then resentment sets in

♥Mo♥:

Yes, the rift grows till you only exist rather than living

Friend:

yes, you know mo as well, I’m the type that wants to be needed in a physical way, i am not interested in sex for self gratification just for the sake of it, if sex is offered out of duty, or it seems to be a chore, don't bother.

I work hard to be wanted, and I am all out, I am sure you know what I mean

♥Mo♥:

Yep, have shown hubby vids, dressed to be wanted, behaved to be wanted, shown him erotica & written it as well. Tried to get him involved where he could bring his own creativity but he is stuck in routine

Friend:

life sux mo,,lol,,i would so spoil and look after a woman like you, you would have everything i had to give, why on earth does this type of thing happen, why is my wife as cold as ice? why is your husband numb to what he has in you? I really want to know what it's all about, lol.

♥Mo♥:

Me too Friend, since I've been working my ass off to try & get ahead while my husband is content to do next to nothing. Just as I get something growing along comes some trouble to wipe it & me out. Literally! Example. I've been grabbing all the hours I can in a job that plays hell on my body & my eyes. My husband barely works 6 hours a week maybe. His pension covers just the basics

♥Mo♥:

He’s not motivated to do more & I can't live where everything is literally falling down around my head & be happy about it, especially when some is getting to be a hazard

♥Mo♥:

Just put a nice fat deposit in the bank & suddenly yesterday the truck needs a new battery cable, this morning the pilots are out on my furnace & water heater so I don't know what the hell is going on there....

it never ends & it really does feel like I'm being punished for living

Friend:

Baby,,,you deserve better, but you know that, you are being taken for granted, and it's very unfair.

♥Mo♥:

Life isn't fair Friend but it shouldn't be this damned hard either

♥Mo♥:

And it shouldn't be made harder by those who are supposed to love you

Friend:

Totally agree mo, the age we are now, it should be easier not harder than when we were younger, and in truth, that is part of my life that is ok, it makes it harder to leave for sure lol.

But to stay for a comfortable life isn't everything either I suppose, I don't know.

But what you have seems a bad deal all around mo

♥Mo♥:

Maybe I stay because somewhere I don't believe I deserve better. Maybe I haven't grown much from the child I was after all

Friend:

mo, what you deserve at the very least, is someone that puts you above all else, money comes and goes, we all know that, but if hubby has no work sometimes, then your home should be perfect and comfortable for you, that’s what i do, when i don’t earn, i work in the house, it's only right

♥Mo♥:

It may be what’s right Friend but it's not what I'm experiencing

Friend:

And to think you were still prepared to show love, even whilst struggling in other ways, you are an angel mo, i am sorry you are having things so hard

♥Mo♥:

Somewhere I guess I got this stupid idea that if you put out good things they come back to you... guess I forgot the one about bad things happening to good people none the less...

All I know is this is crushing me

Friend:

I can see why you feel crushed, you are being pushed and pulled in all ways, physically and emotionally you are not being looked after, and financially and comfort wise you are not being looked after, you are having to put far too much in, and getting very little out.

♥Mo♥:

& with my vision as it is, I can't even escape whether for a little bit or for good. So I feel caged with it

Little wonder I don't write about it, just another way of reliving what I don't want to be living in the first place

Friend:

yes, it's only therapy writing about something if it's behind you, certainly not whilst still living it.

♥Mo♥:

Besides, never cared for those who wrote to piss & moan, don't care to wallow in the negativity when all I want is a positive way to cope

Friend:

I agree, and your writing is always filled with optimism, you are a joy person really, just not experiencing much joy yourself at the moment.

♥Mo♥:

I definitely agree with that! You've been a dear, let me bend your ear for so long & cry on your shoulder. I do truly appreciate it more than you know

Friend:

i have told you before mo, anytime, you are welcome, drop me an e mail, and i will find you.

And you help me too, don't forget that

You are a voice of reason to me

♥Mo♥:

LOL, wish I was as good at being so with my own life hon. Funny how that works isn't it

Friend:

Yes, it is, lol.

♥Mo♥:

Well you are a blessed friend Friend, if I can help in any way I am more than happy to be there for you

Friend:

same mo, I had better go get some firewood before it's pitch dark, take care, and see you soon mo x x

♥Mo♥:

hugs & kisses back Friend, take care!

Friend:

xx

The Ride

It's been a while so how about it if I toss one off for you… A scene that will invade your thoughts on any long hard drive you make… (*for my muse?)







We're traveling together, road trip style. I love road trips. The constantly changing scenery always keeps me excited about what's just down the road but this time we're driving in a very rural area where the scene doesn't vary much from one plot of farm land to the next. I'd been hoping to get off since we started off! The first leg of the trip is a straight shot on a highway through endless miles of nothing exciting so I decide to generate my own point of interest. I slide close to you on the seat, beginning by rubbing your leg through the soft worn denim, working my way higher till I feel your cock hardening in response to my strokes. I smile at the gorgeous profile of your face as you watch the road, trying to concentrate but I recognize the light of passion already firing your eyes. I also notice a slightly determined clench to your jaw even through the shading of beard that covers it. My lips seek the pulse in your neck; I feel the coursing of your blood as your heart pounds steady and strong. I graze my teeth ever so lightly over the spot, wanting to bite and suck a mark of passion there but I refrain from going that far because my goal is to tease and torment, not land us in an accident from startling you as you drive. So instead I content myself by exchanging my teeth on your skin to using the tip of my tongue. With my free hand I gently push your beautiful long dark hair softly behind your ear, clearing your ear to trace the curve of it with the wet point of my tongue then twirling it quickly around the lobe, knowing that the action along with the heat of my breath is shooting waves of pleasure through your sensitive body. “Mmm, someone's up for a very different kind of ride I see… “I croon softly as you harden further under my teasing fingers. You briefly close your eyes and swallow the heat that is making your body tense, a futile bid for control. “Come on doll, you know I'm always up for you but we need to get some miles knocked out in a hurry this morning so we're where we want to be later this evening.” You say the words but you've yet to remove my hand; I know you won't because you love the feel of me touching you.






I pout, “Come on lover, I want to taste you.” I reach for your belt, intending to free your gorgeous engorged shaft so that I can sheathe it in the velvet soft heat of my mouth. You stop my hands, you glance at me with a sad look, “I'm really sorry sweetie but we really have to keep this schedule. I promise when we get there I'll make it up to you.” Once my passion is stoked its incredibly difficult to stuff it back, down so with a bitter effort at control I move as close to the opposite door of the SUV as I can get - hurt and frustrated. I stare out the window, tears stinging the backs of my eyes while not seeing anything; only feeling your rejection like a stone lodged behind my ribs.






“Honey, please, don't look like that,” you gently sooth. I can hear the regret in your voice; see the sadness in you eyes. You reach out your hand to me… I hesitate - but only for a breath in time. How can I help but slide back to be near you? I've never been able to resist you. I think that's because what you've wanted to take and give I've also selfishly wanted to give and take. I tuck myself under the warm weight of your arm with my back pressed to your side. I sigh. My ardor hasn't abated but I always feel such a wonderful peace when I'm near you. It's like I'm protected, safe from the entire world because when I'm near you there is nothing that exists of importance outside the world within the circle of your arms. But it's when my flesh touches yours that the embers are ignited and flames swathe my body. I can feel your pulse beating where our bodies connect. Your scent engulfs me; I smile to myself as I lay the hand that I'd been stroking within my own on my breast. I feel the rumble of your chest as you release a moan of desire. You cup my ample breast in your hand, measuring the weight of it from beneath in your palm. You graze over my nipple with your thumb, feeling the instant response of the hardening bud through the lace of my bra. I bite my lower lip; close my eyes as the wave of wanting tightens my nipples as if they were being pinched. “Mmm, that feels sooo good baby,” I breathe. You reach up to slip your hand into the top edge of my shirt, wanting flesh to flesh contact. I pull down the front of the stretchy material so that my lacey plunge bra is uncovered and your hand is free to explore the swells of my breasts. Your fingertips are cool against the straining points of my nipples, I inhale quickly as a chill races from the point of contact down my spine but it's liquid heat that seeps between my thighs, my nipples pucker harder as you pull them into punishing pleasures. As I said, my goal was to seduce you into some 'auto' erotic fun so I'd dressed for the event; the elasticity of the pink top, the sheer lace plunge bra, the swingy light denim skirt and no panties underneath… All staged to enhance the blue of my eyes and the natural cinnamon tan I worked to achieve slowly with many nude liaisons with sunscreen and my favorite star over the summer. You remove your hand from inside my bra, sliding your fingertips up my chest, caressing my neck then running your fingers over my parted lips. I take your hand in mine, opening your palm to my kisses. I moan as I run my tongue up the inside of your middle and index finger - taking them into my mouth. I swirl my tongue against them, fluttering it against your fingers as I suck them in and out in simulated oral gestures. “Wouldn't you rather let me do this to your cock baby? Let me please you…” I whispered in a voice deepened by lust.






I can hear the smile in your voice as you growl, “I'd rather do this…” You reach down to pull up the front of my skirt. I grin too, knowing what's coming and it's likely soon to be me! I spread my legs, leaving one bare foot on the floor and raising the other foot to rest on the seat with my knee bent and the hair on my mons being gently tickled but the air moving through the SUV from the open windows. A coolness raises chill bumps on my skin as the air touches the wetness that slickens the outer lips of my labia and inner thighs.






“Ah, what a naughty girl you are! No panties?” You slap your closed fingers on my fleshy natural furred mound, instantly discovering the influence you always have on me. “Damn baby, you're soaked!” I hear the appreciation and pride in your voice. You love the power that you have over me. You stroke the outer lips before spreading them with your fingers then gently stroking deeper, circling my clit, coaxing it to engorged sensitivity under your practiced hand. I moan your name, encouraging you to continue as my body quivers from your touch. I can't sit still; I'm grinding my hips in slow circles, as much as I can do so seated, matching the rhythm of your hand. You plunge two fingers into the weeping fountain of my pussy. I gasp. I pull my bra forward, spilling my large fully tanned breasts into my own hands. You're alternating between watching the road to looking over my shoulder. Watching me squeeze my coppery breasts, pinch my highly contrasting light pink nipples and seeing your hand, wet with my juices slipping from clit to pulsating opening; its hypnotic. Perhaps this is why with our attention so distracted that at first neither of us had noticed the 18 wheeler that had come up in the right slow lane on the three lane highway until he blew his train-like horn and we both looked startled into the stranger's grinning appreciative face as he watched our play. Your first instinct was to pull your hand away but at this point I was too close to cumming and I couldn't bare the sudden interruption. “Please, don't stop!” I plead.






“But he's watching…” You whisper breathlessly against the top of my head. I can hear the new, almost frightened excitement in your voice.






“I don't care! Let him watch! Please don't stop!” My voice quivers but is defiant. I spread my legs wider so the trucker can get the full view. Your hand returns to it's marvelous manipulations and I smile at the driver before continuing to fondle my breasts, pinching my nipples then lifting them to my bent head to lick them with my tongue. The trucker paces us, watching intently between glances at the road ahead. The single hand on the wheel of the big rig made it more than evident that the other was attending to his pleasure.






“You know what he's doing don't you? He's stroking his cock, wishing he was balls deep where your hand is.” I gasp out between ragged breaths as I look directly into the trucker's glazed eyes as my body gets closer to explosion under his gaze and your hand.






“Yes, he wants to be where I am, feeling your pulsing pussy clinching my fingers like I do, know that he's the one who going to make you cum.” Your voice deep but breathless. “But he's not and he won't. This is mine, cum for me baby - now!” And I did, hard! My body jerking, my head pressed hard into your shoulder as I cry out my climax loud enough for even the trucker to hear. He gives a whooping yell and pulls the horn of the truck again. He yells across the noise of the engines and over the space that separates the two vehicles, “Wanna share?” At this point you remove your slippery fingers, dripping with my climactic honey and bring them to your mouth, inserting them to drink my essence from them. You lick your lips, look over at the hopeful face of the man in the truck and say, in a tone that invites no reproach, “NO!” He smiles and shrugs well naturedly. Blows a kiss to me, salutes you then drop back further into his lane as we move on in our own.






You're smiling, so am I but not for the same reasons, at least not entirely. I tuck my breasts back into the front of my bra and turn towards you, leaning forward to kiss your smiling lips quickly. Even though I've just had my own pleasure fulfilled I'm still just as hot, if not more so now, as I'd been when we'd begun. “Did you like that baby? Did it make you hot?” I tease. Knowing damned well it had because there was a very evident wet spot of precum that had soaked and darkened a large area on your jeans; your cock is rock hard and fully defined under the tight material. “Hell yes it did! I'm about to explode right now… Damn!! I don't believe what we just did” Your jaw is tight with restrained lust but wonder in your eyes at our new daring.






I smile widely. You wouldn't stop me now, couldn't because you were so ready for what I'd wanted to do earlier. This time when I reached for your belt you lean back and scoot forward a bit so that I can free my lovely prize. I use my tongue to dip into the crevice to collect your nectar before swirling it over the sensitive head of your cock then taking you fully into my mouth. You tangle your hand in my hair, massaging the back of my head and neck as I begin to pick up the rhythm of my strokes. You can't move your hips too much but you do enough to let me know the pace you want to set. This isn't going to be slow and leisurely, you're hot from our performance and ready to burst! Good God! I've gotta get off this road! I hear the strain in your voice and know the tidal wave is about to break.






I feel the car moving off to the side but I'm not sure where we're going. What I know is that you don't have enough control to cum and drive at the same time. I feel the car curving first to the right then harder to the left, then right again. The next thing I know, you're pulling your shirt the rest of the way out of your jean, pushing my shoulders to push me away as you gingerly tuck yourself into you pants… “What the hell…?” I'm confused momentarily but as I finally look up and around I see that we're in a rest area, already parked towards the end of the parking lot away from the other cars and the facility. You twist the keys savagely out of the ignition, jump out of the SUV, run around to my side, jerk open the door and reach for my hand. I'm grinning from ear to ear, knowing where your mind has gone and I'm right there with you! I've pushed my sandals onto my feet, shoved my purse under the seat and hit the lock button on the door as I jump out beside you. We laugh and try not to run towards the secluded shelter house that we've spotted away from the other travelers, consisting mostly of trucker but enough passenger vehicles to make us not want to draw their attention. The last thing we needed was to have a 'friendly chat' with someone. We make it to the shelter unseen… As soon as we're behind the wall that blocks the view of the facility you pull me hard against your body, wrapping one of your hands into my hair kissing me hard while the other hand is unfastening my bra under the back of my shirt. I love it when your passion is so stoked there's this blinding primal intensity that strikes an answering chord in me and we set out to devour each other. I quickly unfasten your pants, gently freeing your throbbing member. I sweep my bra and the front of my shirt over my head, leaving them on my shoulders in case I would need to pull them into place quickly but liberating my breasts for your handling. You do the same, knowing we both need to feel the heat of flesh to flesh. I wrap my arms around your neck, pressing the length of my body hard to yours as you step us towards the edge of one of the picnic tables in the shelter. As soon as I felt the edge pressing into my behind I hopped up on the edge. Thank god for the mistrust of state rest areas! The tables were bolted to the concrete so they were wonderfully stable! As soon as my ass was planted firmly on the table top I wrapped my legs around your hips, pulling you to me. You entered me readily, slamming fully to the hilt in one mighty thrust, burying yourself deep into my welcoming womb. “Mmm baby! You feel so good inside me! Ah please love, take me, and show me what's yours!” I gasp, breathing hard as you pound into me. A steady strong stroke that has my breasts bouncing hypnotically before your eyes. You bend you head to torment my hard nipples between your lips & teeth, the feel of your hair over my naked flesh like feathery fingers driving me wilder before you capture my breasts in your hands, squeezing them together, rolling my nipples between your fingers till they are rosy pink hard knots of sensation as you kiss take my breath into your mouth as our lips crush each others & our tongues taste the heat of a different erotic dance. My hands are on you forearms, pulling my pelvis into yours, rolling my hips, caught up in the glorious tension building again in my body in answer to yours. You continue to temper the hardness of your cock in the heat of my canal, leaning back enough to watch yourself entering and retreating between the engorged magenta inner folds as they wrap your steely flesh in the most intimate of kisses, adding your own milky gloss to those lips. Panting, sweating, you growl between clenched teeth, “God doll, I love seeing myself moving in and out of that sweet flower! I'm ready baby!” I know what this means, my legs go up, onto your shoulders, you grasp my thighs as I lift my hips higher as you lean forward. We're both dizzy with passion, our bodies tense. I feel the strain of your body; hear your breathing become ragged as the moan that's closer to a growl starts low in your throat and know this is it. Your body locks… Your head is back; your neck is taunt and strained. There's something entirely erotic and intoxicating to me in that one gesture - a sort of sexual surrender and vulnerability that has always caused me a slam of instant pleasure. I reach the pinnacle first, my body racked with spasms of ecstasy! The clench and relaxing of my pussy catapulting you over the precipice and you bury your cock fully into my womb, spilling your seed deep into the contracting passageway with a cry of triumph. You collapse onto me, breathless and spent. I hold you, stroking you hair as you stroke my breast. At the same time the realization of what we've done hits us and we both laugh at our daring. “Well, this has been quite the exciting trip hasn't it doll!” You grin and wink as you lean on your elbows gazing into my eyes.






“Absolutely and the trip isn't over yet! Who can guess at what might happen next!” I tease kissing your smiling lips.






We get up, adjust our clothing and slowly start back to the SUV. As we drew closer to the end of the parking lot where it was parked a group of men that was standing outside the facility doors began to whistle in appreciation and clap with wolf howls but staying were they were. We were both confused, staring at the men as if they were insane as we quickened getting into the SUV. “What the hell do you think that was about, there wasn't anyone around…” You wonder aloud. We hadn't noticed a young couple just returning to their car but they both laughed, winked and the man said, we understand how you feel and what that's about…” he nodded his head back towards the men. He pointed to an area about half way up one of the lighting polls. We both looked up and noticed the cameras… Looking around we saw more and surely there must have been one in an isolated shelter house for security purposes. We looked back at the still grinning couple. This time it was the woman, “Yep, you two just gave one hell of a performance for a very surprised but appreciative audience!” “I'll be damned!” You swore incredulously. You looked at the men, looked back at me, a slow grin spreading across you face, devilment lighting your eyes. You winked at me, turned towards the men, we gave an exaggerated bow, jumped into the SUV and drove off laughing our asses off!






“Good God woman, do you always get what you want?” You tease smiling.






“Only those things I want most for all the right reasons sexy man! One day you'll learn not to try and deny me what I really want because I'll find a way of making you want to give it to me…” I smile back, more than just a little pleased with myself.






You look at me, shake your head and chuckle. I know that what ever time we may have lost you'll make it up with a heavier foot, at least till I decide to distract you again!






I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I did taking it!