Friends

A lot has been going on in my life lately but I've told few exactly what it's been that's kept me quiet.  Earlier today a friend of mine caught me at a time when I felt like talking.  Of course he also made it easy by being so understanding.  There are a few things that we share in our individual life right now so perhaps that's why I was more open to talking to him about it.  We are only friends, no overtones of anything else to cloud or pollute this entirely honest & very revealing conversation.  I thought it was important to post this not only as a way of letting others who care about me know what is going on but also because its a true piece of reality that we all can relate to.  Haven't we all thought or even shared these very things, especially those of us in long term relationships.  If you ever want to know why things go astray, read the hearts of two on the edges of their own turning points...

Friend

I want to live somewhere warm!

Friend:

You ok mo?

♥Mo♥:

Just tired Friend, how are you?

Friend:

Ok thanks mo

Worst month of the year

And it's dragging

lol

♥Mo♥:

Amen Friend, I could sure use some sun therapy!

Friend:

Yes, a ll seems better when under the sun eh mo

♥Mo♥:

See, know I would be better able to deal with life if I lived where I had plenty of sun & heat. Must be a tropical person inside, don't do well in colder climate. Sorta like a plant I guess

Friend:

i am the same mo, i am really a positive person, but in winter, January mainly, my whole outlook is different, everything seems so damned pointless hehe

sun sun sun!!

♥Mo♥:

I think it's that during the winter there's just no release Friend, no way to escape all the bs like in the summer

Friend:

Agreed

♥Mo♥:

In the winter you're boxed in with it all, too close for comfort

No diversions

Dangerous place to be, alone with your thoughts too much

Friend:

Yes darlin, and i think people that feel and think a lot, can think themselves into darkness

♥Mo♥:

It’s always there Friend, perhaps those of us who live with it lurking crave the light even more

Friend:

yes mo, you are right, the trouble with me is, i promise myself I am going to do something about the misery of january, but then the sun arrives, and i forget how miserable i was,,until it's gone again, hehe.

but February is a short month mo,,,then spring is in the air

♥Mo♥:

Oh but Friend, think of what it must be like to live where the dark days of winter never really exist!

Wouldn’t that be awesome!

Friend:

Mo,, i would love it, and i would love it for you too

In Cyprus the sun shines nearly every day all year

♥Mo♥:

At this point though, think I might like doing that living thing on my own, that would be a new set of trials but that would have to be better than what I have right now

In New Mexico they say they have over 279 days of sun per year... oh how I'd love that

Friend:

Yes, and the water in the gulf is warm even in January, you would thrive mo

♥Mo♥:

Not Mexico Friend, New Mexico, the state next to Arizona, not quite as desserty in NM

I prefer to avoid hurricanes that hit in the gulf

Friend:

How far is that from where you are now mo?

lol, yes, hurricanes are BAD news

♥Mo♥:

Somewhere around 1500+ miles I think

Friend:

Wow! that's a trek

♥Mo♥:

Yes, it's in the SW portion of the US where as where I am now is NE

Friend:

So things aren't any better for you at home mo? you are not alone, lol.

♥Mo♥:

So it'd be a bishop move, nice diagonal

Friend:

lol!

♥Mo♥:

No Friend, not better at home & the man I've grown fond of is very busy with his job so I don't have that comfort either. Not that I'd ask

Have friends telling me I need to write about it, vent, but there are times when words just aren't the healing a soul needs you know

Friend:

Yes, i agree, words are powerful, but it has to lead to eventual actions, otherwise they become empty

Sometimes one needs something warm and real to cling to

♥Mo♥:

Its also bad when those that are there offer no comfort, only more emptiness

Friend:

It is, it feels like a type of punishment doesn't it mo

♥Mo♥:

Yes it does

Makes you question your choices as to why you remain
Friend:

Yes, i have those thoughts every day

It’s not living, more like existing at the moment

♥Mo♥:

Or trying to trudge through it... Not good when most feels like a struggle with little to no reward

We start to lose momentum

Friend:

Yes, and then get lost, and sink.

♥Mo♥:

Somehow Friend, we keep moving though, don't know why we keep hoping for more but somehow we do. Think we'll ever find it?

Friend:

Well, my friend is coming over March 17th mo, i will tell you how that goes when it happens, i am tired of going without affection, it ruins me.

Friend:

i am not sex mad by any standards, but there has to be some degree of physical contact and passion, life is empty without it

♥Mo♥:

I understand entirely & I hope it brings you what you need

I do hope that your path gets better lighting

Friend:

lol

lol!

♥Mo♥:

Just be prepared Friend, you risk a lot. I think that's why we both chose people at a distance, they were safer

but if they get close, we know where it must go and what we might lose

Friend:

I know, you are right, and i am worried

♥Mo♥:

You’d be insane not to be as well as a fool. I don't think you're either but I know your dilemma, I've thought of it too

Friend:

She has said to me she has no expectations other than to meet me, and be shown around and have fun

But who knows

Could be the worst, or best thing i have ever done

♥Mo♥:

Well, we're human Friend, not perfect. Never know what life is meant to bring us, all we can do is hope we get it right most of the time & learn when we get it wrong

Friend:

that’s about it mo, i cant help but wonder though, should we always settle for being discontent, just to avoid hurting others, should pursuit of ones own happiness always be last, i don't know.

♥Mo♥:

My special friend asked me the same question Friend. How often do we sacrifice our own happiness on behalf of others? When should we not & dare to think of ourselves. As I told him, that feels like the question I live asking myself every moment of my life & I've yet to come up with the answer but I still struggle with it

Friend:

I know that if i get to 80 years old, and I stay in the situating I am in right now until that day, I will be very sad and empty

♥Mo♥:

Then you're choice is already made Friend. The question is then how you walk away from that relationship.

♥Mo♥:

If you can truly say there is no chance that anything can be done to make it better then be done with it in more than just thought. That's where I am now. Working out how to move on if that is what I am going to do

As it stands is not acceptable

Friend:

that’s how i feel mo, but it is difficult isn't it

♥Mo♥:

Yes it is. very much so

♥Mo♥:

But then we weren't the ones who moved out of the relationship first were we

We just aren't content to live half a life

Friend:

That is exactly it mo x

Friend:

It was bearable going without contact for a long time, until I stopped trying myself, then something in me died

My mind is elsewhere now

I feel terrible that I have given up trying

But we can only all put so much in can't we mo

♥Mo♥:

Very true Friend, when all the effort is being made only on one side it wears us down

Friend:

Yes, and constant rejection, for whatever reason damned hurts, lol.

Then resentment sets in

♥Mo♥:

Yes, the rift grows till you only exist rather than living

Friend:

yes, you know mo as well, I’m the type that wants to be needed in a physical way, i am not interested in sex for self gratification just for the sake of it, if sex is offered out of duty, or it seems to be a chore, don't bother.

I work hard to be wanted, and I am all out, I am sure you know what I mean

♥Mo♥:

Yep, have shown hubby vids, dressed to be wanted, behaved to be wanted, shown him erotica & written it as well. Tried to get him involved where he could bring his own creativity but he is stuck in routine

Friend:

life sux mo,,lol,,i would so spoil and look after a woman like you, you would have everything i had to give, why on earth does this type of thing happen, why is my wife as cold as ice? why is your husband numb to what he has in you? I really want to know what it's all about, lol.

♥Mo♥:

Me too Friend, since I've been working my ass off to try & get ahead while my husband is content to do next to nothing. Just as I get something growing along comes some trouble to wipe it & me out. Literally! Example. I've been grabbing all the hours I can in a job that plays hell on my body & my eyes. My husband barely works 6 hours a week maybe. His pension covers just the basics

♥Mo♥:

He’s not motivated to do more & I can't live where everything is literally falling down around my head & be happy about it, especially when some is getting to be a hazard

♥Mo♥:

Just put a nice fat deposit in the bank & suddenly yesterday the truck needs a new battery cable, this morning the pilots are out on my furnace & water heater so I don't know what the hell is going on there....

it never ends & it really does feel like I'm being punished for living

Friend:

Baby,,,you deserve better, but you know that, you are being taken for granted, and it's very unfair.

♥Mo♥:

Life isn't fair Friend but it shouldn't be this damned hard either

♥Mo♥:

And it shouldn't be made harder by those who are supposed to love you

Friend:

Totally agree mo, the age we are now, it should be easier not harder than when we were younger, and in truth, that is part of my life that is ok, it makes it harder to leave for sure lol.

But to stay for a comfortable life isn't everything either I suppose, I don't know.

But what you have seems a bad deal all around mo

♥Mo♥:

Maybe I stay because somewhere I don't believe I deserve better. Maybe I haven't grown much from the child I was after all

Friend:

mo, what you deserve at the very least, is someone that puts you above all else, money comes and goes, we all know that, but if hubby has no work sometimes, then your home should be perfect and comfortable for you, that’s what i do, when i don’t earn, i work in the house, it's only right

♥Mo♥:

It may be what’s right Friend but it's not what I'm experiencing

Friend:

And to think you were still prepared to show love, even whilst struggling in other ways, you are an angel mo, i am sorry you are having things so hard

♥Mo♥:

Somewhere I guess I got this stupid idea that if you put out good things they come back to you... guess I forgot the one about bad things happening to good people none the less...

All I know is this is crushing me

Friend:

I can see why you feel crushed, you are being pushed and pulled in all ways, physically and emotionally you are not being looked after, and financially and comfort wise you are not being looked after, you are having to put far too much in, and getting very little out.

♥Mo♥:

& with my vision as it is, I can't even escape whether for a little bit or for good. So I feel caged with it

Little wonder I don't write about it, just another way of reliving what I don't want to be living in the first place

Friend:

yes, it's only therapy writing about something if it's behind you, certainly not whilst still living it.

♥Mo♥:

Besides, never cared for those who wrote to piss & moan, don't care to wallow in the negativity when all I want is a positive way to cope

Friend:

I agree, and your writing is always filled with optimism, you are a joy person really, just not experiencing much joy yourself at the moment.

♥Mo♥:

I definitely agree with that! You've been a dear, let me bend your ear for so long & cry on your shoulder. I do truly appreciate it more than you know

Friend:

i have told you before mo, anytime, you are welcome, drop me an e mail, and i will find you.

And you help me too, don't forget that

You are a voice of reason to me

♥Mo♥:

LOL, wish I was as good at being so with my own life hon. Funny how that works isn't it

Friend:

Yes, it is, lol.

♥Mo♥:

Well you are a blessed friend Friend, if I can help in any way I am more than happy to be there for you

Friend:

same mo, I had better go get some firewood before it's pitch dark, take care, and see you soon mo x x

♥Mo♥:

hugs & kisses back Friend, take care!

Friend:

xx