Earlier Entry Blog***
I had to post this as a sort of follow up on my last post. (yes folks, I like my euphemisms and analogies so bare with me here… It's the way I think so it's the way I write) There are many facets to our life and there are times when one may get more focus than all the others. There are inclusions within that jewel but that adds to its very distinctiveness; what makes it unique and rare and solely individual to us. There's a sentiment expressed by one of the characters in Memoirs of a Geisha that has stayed with me since I heard it. It's a concept that I'd pondered myself before and since but I'll give you their version because they express it beautifully. "We're not promised happiness in life no matter how much we think we deserve it so when it happens it's an unexpected gift to be cherished." (Not an exact quote but the gist is there) I still have crisis in my life but it's far from being all that my life is about. I'm rather a pragmatic. I don't see the glass as half full or half empty. It's simply half a glass of water. If you're thirsty you're going to drink it and be grateful, if you ignore because it's not full then you simply weren't really thirsty enough. Sometimes we all need help just finding the glass. For all the bad there is still so much that is good in my life and it's because of that which makes me continue to fight so hard to preserve it. Its easy to immerse ourselves in what is causing us pain because pain is one of those sensations we feel more acutely than some others, one that can make us feel isolated, persecuted and helpless. It's also very easy to get so entrenched in it that we end up wallowing in it, feeling it more intensely than it needs to be felt. We only need to submerge ourselves far enough in it that it causes us to act to change the condition, nothing more. Although, there are times that depth isn't always up to our control and sometimes it is -- that's difficult to gauge as well as to remember… Our best hope is to gain strengths from our struggles. I know I have, that I am better able to deal with what life throws in my path because of it than I might have been otherwise. But it also colors, and sometimes that filter is flawed, how we perceive or absorb what's around us. There are also times when we have gifts in our life and we have to be reminded to look away from the pains and see what's positive around us and who is standing beside us...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Not everyone can be all things to a person at all times. Whether that be our significant others, our family, our friends or even ourselves. When I got married I went into it with the principle that this was the family I was choosing for the rest of my life. I had to deal with him as I would that of my first family. If I had an issue or a problem with one that was there by blood I couldn't simply negate their tie to me because of it any more than I could with my husband. Fancy words aside, an example would be that if my sister pissed me off I either had to fix it or live with it because she was always going to be my sister and that was a connection that was special and specific to her, there is no divorcing yourself from your family. (Distancing yes but divorcing no) I went into my marriage with the same philosophy. Besides, I'm not a huge arguer. I just don't think that many of the things that people fight over are worth the time, energy and ill feelings that linger far too long. In all the 23 years that we've been married we've had less than a handful of what would be considered 'fights' (arguments because neither of us would ever be physical in a negative way with each other) and I can tell you what every one of them was about. Of course there are deal breakers and those were laid out from the very start and none of those have ever been broken. One of the gifts that is between us is that even if we may not always be able to supply it, we always want the one we love to be happy. Unfortunately there are times when we just aren't equipped to provide that to the other and there are also times when it's not really up to us to give it – that it may be something that the other has to define and find for themselves and it may simply be our role to let them. Regardless, we want it for each other enough to sometime make the sacrifice. Sometimes it's fruitless but other times it brings tremendous rewards. An example here is that for the longest time in my life I was introverted, had little confidence and little self worth. The building blocks were always inside me to be more and it was because I had his love and the assurance of his support that I grew into who I am now. Again, I'm not perfect, would really hate to be or even think I were but I really do like myself. For all that I've lived in my life, the good and the bad, I can say that I don't think I'd change a single thing about it because I'd don't want to upset the balance of the person I've become. Changing now and the future – now that's an entirely different story!In reading the last post please remember that I may have been the writer of the letter but I'm not the only one involved nor is any one person solely responsible for the difficulties we as a family are facing nor is this affecting just my life. It's a cumulative effect of many people and many choices. I'm a tenacious person, sometimes to my betterment and other times to my regret, but it's just against my grain to give up. I'm also an incurable cheerleader so it's also against my grain not to look for the silver lining. Even above the thickest clouds and the most torrential rain the sun still exists. I may be financially poor but I've never been incredibly materialistic and there are other more valuable currencies in life that I have a wealth of. I may not live in a home out of Home Beautiful but I have a roof, a bed and even if I didn't I have those I've always felt my home was in my husband's arms. My family may not be all I hope them to be but neither am I (nor is anyone else) yet we are all here, healthy and still able to learn. It's almost summer and for those who know me you know it doesn't get any better than that for my tranquility and peace of mind. *grin* And I have friends – I truly am most blessed…
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